I've realised a few things the last few days:
- I miss my family--my mom and John and Ma. I miss being able to at least talk on the phone. I think it's time to go home for a visit, probably not this weekend, but at least next. I haven't talked to my mom since right after John had his heart attack, and my lack of a land line and minutes on my cell phone has meant I haven't been easy to reach. I may call tomorrow on the cell and then see if she can call me back at another number, since it's a local call for her (she has a special area plan), but not for me.
- After years of hoping to be special, and then realising it's better to just be myself, I realise I am, at heart, a little odd and have a somewhat different outlook on life than many of the people around me, and I also realise that I'm feeling a little isolated as a result. At some point, due to a wonderful mentor who managed to teach me a lot despite the fingers in my ear and the la-la-la-ing, I've acquired a somewhat more philosophical bent than most people and I'm more interested in nature and psychology and history and religion than what's in, say, the new season lineup. I also tend to look at things from a different cultural perspective than I once had, something so ingrained now you'd expect that I'd been steeped in it from birth, but really, it's only been about fifteen years. :) I can't really explain it, but it's left me sometimes being surprised by people I meet who don't think the same way. It's not necessarily superior, just different, and it's rather old-fashioned to boot. I read an interview in Newsweek with Daniel Handler (aka Lemony Snicket, the children's book author), and it expressed my same sense of humour and outlook. I would do well conversing with him. But he's definitely an oddball, too. So, where do I find like-minded oddballs who aren't raging loons, at least here in central Kentucky?
I also realise that there's only one person I know who's my age, and we have a few points of similarity but not a great deal of them. Everyone else seems either older or a good bit younger. But on the other hand, most people I encounter in their late thirties seem...so old. They have teenagers and mortgages and I'm still fresh out of college (the 15-year-plan) but with some of the maturity you gain when life bites you on the rump. I just don't know where I fit in anymore.
- I feel bad because although I'm happy for someone else's good fortune, I find that I'm also a little jealous because some part of me wants to be in a similar position, even though I'm conflicted over the whole idea and can't say that I'm willing to dedicate the same effort to obtain it. I'm not even where that goal could even seriously be pursued. Realistically, it's going to change things, although that's not bad in and of itself. I can't really go into it here, but I supppose some part of me feels like I just won't be needed or wanted as much, and I know that's silly, but it's still there, percolating underneath. I know that's just a very human reaction, but I have to admit, I'm a little ashamed by it.
- I feel just a little less connected to others lately and actually feel like being a hermit might not be so bad. But I'm not providing such good company for myself, either. I think a lot of it has to do with boredom. I just don't find my work particularly challenging, although I suppose you could say the rest of my life has been, although that's just underscored a lack of security. I'm hoping that one of the job prospects I'm being considered for will work out, and that will give me something to exercise my brain and skills more--plus give me some modicrum of security, too. I've tried filling in some of the lack by reading and studying, but that's just satisfying on an intellectual level. I need something that satisfies on all levels--professional, intellectual, emotional, whatever.
So, that said, I haven't had a chance to look up new jobs on Kentucky's library jobline, and I'm thinking maybe that would be better than moping about it. :)