From the e-mail bag
I laughed so hard at this if I'd been a weasel in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I'd be dead now. And I'm so glad the Americans weren't the only idiots writing in...enjoy.
These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.
1. Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
3. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country ordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegeterian hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.