Unshelved by Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum
comic strip overdue media

Friday, July 18, 2003

Oops, I did it again...

Was soooooo sleepy I went to bed at 8 pm thinking I'd wake up in an hour or two. Ha! So it's nearly 5 am and I'm up. So I figured I might as well do the Friday Five.

1. When was the last time you cheated? I may have cheated at solitaire occasionally, but the last serious problem was when I was 19 and had been dating my ex for a year I had this summer where I was already trying to get out of the relationship and failing. I did the 'cry on someone else's shoulder' thing to a 31 year-old guy who took advantage of the situation, and I let it happen. That was a very confusing summer, one in which I was basically cheating on someone (and I would have never thought I would). Of course, I did fess up, and he used the guilt that I had over that to solidify his grip on me, especially after the other went sour. We were engaged within four months and it took me another four years to disentangle myself from a very bad relationship.

2. When was the last time you stole? I think I have a pen from work in my bag. I really should return it. I guess that counts. In terms of seriousness, I have one criminal count on my record where a cheque didn't go through and I wound up going to court, paying the fines, etc. It was in the midst of the 'Breakdown' and right after September 11th, and I wrote a cheque for groceries when I was feeling particularly vulnerable that I knew wouldn't be covered and really that was quite, quite stupid and wrong. Of course I didn't think of it as stealing at the time, but that's the charge--'theft by deception'--you know how easy it is to rationalise these things. But as my counselor once said, most women are in prison for bad cheques or killing their husbands (hey, at least I didn't do that, although I had several people who would have testified that it was justified *sarcastic grin*). But I did make restitution and eventually I can have it expunged. In the meantime I'm trying to keep my nose clean.

3. When was the last time you lied? Does the 'I'm going to the gym' count, since I didn't follow through, or is that just changing my mind? I did tell someone I would pay part of a bill the other day and I haven't yet. I had intentions to, but haven't. I usually lie to myself before I lie to others, and I usually do it in a way that most people don't consider lying. Usually it's more like I'll say something but emotionally I'm just not on the same page.

4. When was the last time you broke or vandalized another's property? I don't think I've ever intentionally destroyed someone else's property. (Tempted, yes. Followed through, no). However a few years I broke something by accident that I cannot replace (it being a sentimental object).

5. When was the last time you hurt a loved one? When I was in the midst of my breakdown I was having these wild mood swings and would take it out on someone I loved. It got so bad that I eventually received an ultimatum to seek counseling or end the relationship. I went through counseling, and things are much, much better, and I earned the friendship back.

'I'm not bad--I'm just drawn that way.'--Jessica Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

As you can see, I'm one of those 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions' people. I don't mean to do bad things, but I think all of us do. Most people would consider the above to be not so bad, but it's part of a pattern or behaviour (which I'm hopefully breaking) stemming from my struggle with mental health, so I try to examine things and make changes to prevent it in the future. My, that was an unpleasant FF!

What is the sound of one flea jumping?

The only trouble with having treated all the animals for fleas is that now the little buggers have turned their attentions to the only other warm-blooded animal in the house--me. Apparently the area around the computer is especially bad. I hope I won't have to bomb (the aquarium is always an issue) but it might be time for some of that carpet stuff. Grr.

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