How in those rare moments when I have too much energy to fall asleep, I think of all sorts of things I could be doing, usually exercise of some sort. There, whilst I lay in bed, images of a more toned and healthy me collide with ideas of learning to ride a horse, learning to bellydance, pilot an aeroplane--even jump out of an aeroplane!--fence, all sorts of things. I plan things like how I'll start the next day with yoga and a swim, then take the long way to work, and maybe, just maybe in a year or so I'll be a normal size and be active. The question I have is why do I tend to have these visions only when I'm actually at rest, at the end of the day, when I should be sleeping?
I think part of it today is that I took some time out to break the cycle of schedules, for one. And whilst I didn't go jogging or even for a swim, I did vaccuum and wash dishes and dust and bake bread and a lot of other things that needed to be done to help improve my environment, so I suppose it's natural to take that mindset to my body. And of course I've done a lot this weekend, including walking so much on Friday, and so I think I do have more energy than usual. I've also been listening to music that's very...dark yet upbeat, like Evanescence, Love Spit Love, Puddle of Mudd, and Depeche Mode, and music always affects my mood, for good or bad. I'm beginning to feel like I've worked a lot on the mind and spirit end of things for awhile, and that maybe it's time to work on the physical me.
So even though I don't plan to jump out of a plane anytime soon, I think when I get paid next it might very well be worth getting my bike tuned up and a basket put on for groceries. That would make more mobile, even less dependent on the bus and its schedules, yet still keeping my energy up. Now that I live in a neighbourhood where I can bike to the store, I probably should. When I was a kid I biked everywhere, sometimes 3 miles across the desert just to go to the swimming pool. I enjoyed it, except on those rare occasions that I ran into trouble (like sand pits or edged yards). Lexington is not a particularly bike friendly city, but it's getting better. And maybe between that, and getting out and being a little more active, I can keep that energy level up and start down a path where I can keep up physically with what my mind wants to do.
I think part of it, too, is that I've finally stepped out of the shadow of life that I once had where I felt nothing and seemed so numb, only to fall into this whirlwind of emotions that threatened to suck me under, and I've come out of an extremely dark place to find myself alive, and nearly bursting with the desire to live. I don't know how many of you have repressed anger or other strong emotions for years, but there comes a time when you really have to work to save yourself and make a choice to live. No one else, no matter how hard they want to help, can do it for you. They can only show you the way back to light--you have to walk towards it yourself.