I did not mean to drop off the face of the planet like that

Thursday night I came home, was in bed by 8 pm, and slept until nearly 8 am. It took five alarms to wake me up. The easy explanation is that I stayed up till 3 am the night before doing game notes, and was tired. But the real explanation is this: I've become very frustrated with my diabetes. No matter how good I am or how I take my insulin or eat, I always seem to be over 200 on my readings, although when I was off with my ankle injury I was dead on normal. My doctor just increases my insulin and tells me we've got wiggle room for increasing it more. I am taking 118 units of Lantus (long acting) insulin per day (in two doses) and 116 unites of inulin (divided into three doses) of Novolog (short-acting) insulin per day, with no oral diabetes meds whatsoever. I got to a point where I just stopped checking my blood sugar and taking things as regularly as I should, and I know that's stupid, and didn't really help, but I guess I felt like I'd reached a what's-the-point, depressed mood over my diabetes. It started out just 'forgetting' to take things or test. But it's been real erratic. When I admitted this to YKWIA Thursday evening, he hit the roof. He even turned me in to a friend of ours, who called me today with some otherwise good news but who took the time for a concerned rant.

Since Thursday evening, I've been trying to stay on track. I've taken my Lantus like I was supposed to do, starting Thursday evening. My blood sugar on Friday morning, when it was so hard to wake up, was 357. Then it turned out I only had enough Novolog for part of my breakfast dose with me. I went by the house after work, got it, but didn't take it at dinner, forgot and took it later. When I tested about an hour after eating, my glucose was 407. No wonder I could barely function mentally. I came on home after working on some character sheets, texted with Brandon a bit, and went on to bed, after taking my Lantus correctly. This morning, thankfully, it was 230--still high, but back to my 'norm' rather than what it was doing. It stayed at that before lunch, too. After talking this morning on the phone with the friend who ranted a bit, I've decided it's time to go to a proper endocrinologist. While I like my family doctor, I don't really think I'm getting the care I need. If I can get to where I feel good, both physically and mentally, about controlling my diabetes, then I'll be less likely to self-destruct.

So there's my confession. I know it was stupid and self-harming. 'I'm tired of feeling bad so I will do nothing and feel worse' doesn't make much sense, I know. But this is part of dealing with diabetes and I'm putting this up there because maybe a medical person, caregiver, or fellow patient will read it and understand that there's an emotional toll to it as well as the physical. In the meantime, I'm back on track.