D-Day

It's sunny, a little warmer, and I have a positive bank account for the first time in weeks, and so I should be happy. But it's also the day I take Buns in to be put to sleep. Last night I gave him a whole can of tuna. You're really not supposed to feed cats tuna, you see. There's too much of something (magnesium?) and it can mess with their urinary system. Occasional treats at best. But it doesn't really matter in this case, and he certainly appreciated it.

I keep finding myself second-guessing...is this the right time? But everyone I've talked to who isn't so close to the situation admits they would have done it a long time ago. Even I contemplated it a couple of years ago, and there hasn't been much improvement since then. And 95% of the time he's listless and not really having much of a quality of life these days. He's been perkier since I made the decision, and that's made it harder. But I know it's just a temporary improvement, sort of like how Alzheimer's patients experience clarity right before they die.

I've tried to pet him and spend time with him but he's not really having much of it. But the other day he let me scritch him all over and cuddled up next to me for a long time...even came into the bedroom and treaded. That's the Buns I know, the one I'm used to, the one who's feeling well, and I haven't seen that in a long time. When he started bleeding the other day, it scared me, because it was coming out quickly and it took awhile to stop. So it's better to do this now, so that he doesn't start bleeding alone or some similar issue and die. But it's still hard.

I can't afford to have him cremated, but I have a spot in mind to bury him that I can visit even after I leave this apartment. It's surrounded by trees, and birds, and squirrels, and all the things he enjoyed watching from the window.

I'm taking off tomorrow from work. I don't think I'll get anything done if I go. I'm not sure how much I'll get done today, to be honest, but I'll try. The appointment's at 4:15. Wish us well.