Skills in action

: Drained

Today was an emotional day. I suspect that it was a combination of needing to fill my prescriptions, my blood sugar going wacky after not eating, the fact that I'm on my period, a job interview (Yay! That's two in one week!), some issues from the past creeping up, and distress over a misplaced passenger.

But...I have been through therapy and skills training for just such a day. And as you know, if you've been reading, I gave a talk last week about my experiences, and so I have my training manual at hand and it occurred to me that I should actually open it. When I was actually going through dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT), I elected not to write much because I couldn't talk about what we did in our sessions in terms of my interaction with others, due to confidentiality. And I suppose I was afraid to talk about it and then what if I didn't finish, or would you think I was stark raving mad (as oppose to mildy raving)?

I don't intend to turn this blog into some sort of therapy journal (although oddly enough, it was one reason I started it). But today, I need to do some of my skills. And just in case you're interested, here's the type of stuff we deal with in DBT. So...here goes.

Emotion Regulation (Observing and Describing Emotions)

Emotion Names: Fear, worry, anger, frustration Intensity (0-100): 80
Prompting Event: Went to pick up a friend from work late at night, waited 30 minutes without him showing.
Interpretations: Thought I'd missed him, that he might have gone on home, that my clock was wrong, that something was wrong, that something had happened to him.
Body Changes and Sensing: Neck tense, hunger, sleepy
Body Language: Restless (kept changing stations on the radio), once I found him, I cried
Action Urges: Felt like just going on home, like I'd been stood up, or yelling at him.
What I said or did in the situation:After 30 minutes, I went by his house to see if I had missed him. I called his employment to see when he'd left, then tried to have him paged. Neither of those avenues was productive. I then headed back to his work to see if he might have come out later. He was there. My first urge was to just tell him to get in the car, snap at him, etc. Instead I asked him if he were okay, that I was worried about him (because I had been, even if there was anger and frustration in there too). Apparently he'd been in the restroom, sick from something he'd ate. I started bawling. I told him I'd waited and had gone to his house and had been afraid something was wrong. He apologised. I told him that it wasn't his fault, that I hoped he was better, and that I was all emotional because I needed to eat, get some rest, and get my meds. He'd had a really bad day. Mine wasn't bad, but it had been long and I'd been sort of up and down. I took him home and then checked in when I got home (standard procedure we have when I'm out by myself).

What after effect does the emotion have on me? I feel drained. I know that this was just a trigger, and that the emotions are coming from a lot of different places. I feel a lot of stress because of the lack of money coming in and the whole process of the job hunt. My interview went okay today, but I don't think I'll get the position because it's in a private school and I don't specifically have school experience. It was a very short interview. I got the impression they were doing a 'first wave' for now, going through many applicants. Still, I was a little disappointed. I'd have liked to see the library and school, for one thing.

Function of emotion: It's protective...both of the other person (worry, fear leads to action on my part to find him) and self (if he had stood me up, then I'd have to protect myself emotionally).

Ever since I got the car I've been picking my friend up from work, often at 12:30 at night. I don't mind...a lot of times I can take a bit of a nap, which is what I did tonight. Often I'm up anyway, being a night owl. I would rather pick him up than have him walk. Granted, it's not that far, but there's been a lot of assaults around campus over the last year or so and he's a fairly obvious gay man who has some visual issues. I don't want him to wind up a statistic--I care too much for him and for his boyfriend for that. I suppose he could get a ride from a co-worker but most of them seem kind of wild. The thing is, he's extremely prompt. On the one hand, I suppose I should have realised something was keeping (not necessarily something sinister), but on the other that's part of the reason I was afraid. It would be so out of character for him, and he's very good about calling if there's an issue. I was also very frustrated with his co-workers, who always assume he leaves when his schedule is over, even though he usually works overtime. I was also frustrated with the front desk, which couldn't page him overhead except in the case of emergencies, but if I had left my car in the temporary parking and gone in to look for him, they would have paged me to move my car. Grrrr.

One of the first things I'll do if I haven't had my Paxil for a day or two is worry unnecessarily about things that probably won't but conceivably could happen. Welcome to OCD and funky brain chemistry. Paxil's been very effective to me, but it has a really short half-life (about 21 hours), so even with the extended release, it goes out of your system quicker than a lot of similar drugs. I've been running the last couple days and hadn't had time to go get them. And of course, I'm stressing over the money. Because it's not generic (which costs $7) and our prescription co-pay went up (in this case $25) I'm in the medication-rent-food dilemma (although I have to remind myself it really has to be in that order; medicine does trump having a place to live--otherwise you're on the street AND crazy).

Once I got home, I ate something, and felt immediately better. For one, my blood sugar was a little wacky because I hadn't eaten for a few hours and I'd napped, and that tends to make it go down. For another, eating helps ground you emotionally.

I've been more labile in the last few days than I have been in awhile. I think it's a combination of hormones, finally dealing with the fallout from the layoff, and having more of a social life/less time to spend to myself, something that helps keep me on an even keel. So, it's time to brush off my manual again and start working on self-soothing, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, etc. I think my interpersonal skills are still for the most part okay...I'm just falling apart inside.

I'm embarrassed at how emotional I got tonight. On the other hand, I think it took my friend aback not because it was Lisa being loopy but rather because I was so worried about him. I guess I surprised him (and me) with the level of feelings I have for him. Over time he's become more than an old friend's boyfriend...he's become a friend himself, on his own merit. I'm not used to having more than one or two people in my life whom I care about deeply...it's odd to have so many more now, but good, too.

Well, I think it's past time to go to bed. Thanks for listening to my rambling. And yes...I'm picking my Paxil up first thing tomorrow morning. :)