Yesterday I found blood on my desk and traced it to my cat, Buns, who was bleeding pretty badly from one of the sores that have plagued him for the past five years. I was able to stop the bleeding with some difficulty. It's like the blood didn't want to clot. There are lots of reasons for skin ulcers in cats, but it can be damnably difficult to do a differential diagnosis, and in most cases you treat the symptoms anyway and may never know the real reasons behind them--and finding out can be a very expensive process, one that I haven't, on my limited income, been able to pursue. I still owe Zabet for an emergency bill after an anal gland fissure opened up.
His sores ooze without getting infected, and that's a blessing. But it seems no matter what we've done--whether treating him with steroids, changes in diet, changes in litter, antibiotics...it's all been to no avail. There is definitely something wrong beneath the obvious...he has breathing issues, he's fought ear infections most of his life, he had a viral infection in his eyes...the list goes on. It's hard to tell if it's a matter of genetics or environment, but it seems like his body is attacking itself with some form of immune system disorder. He doesn't have feline leukemia or feline AIDS. But he is a very sick kitty.
I love Buns. Despite the fact that he's gotten names like 'ooze kitty' and 'litch cat', I've done what I can to make him comfortable and minimise the chance of a secondary infection. The fact is we may never know what has caused this...but I do know that it's getting harder to pretend it isn't affecting his quality of life, and for that matter, the quality of life of the household. He's lost more weight and has shunned the litterbox for some time now, to my dismay. It used to be an occasional thing. Now I'd have to say he's incontinent. No matter what we do, things aren't improving much. Sometimes it gets a tad better--he'll go through times when his hair grows back and the ulcerations seem a little better. And then it gets worse. It's hard to say he's not in pain. He doesn't seem to be in pain, but animals show that in different ways than humans.
The last few days have been worse. He's clingy and wants to be touched, but he doesn't purr making me think that he is uncomfortable and perhaps in pain. He's spent a lot of time on top of the computer; I think he may not be warm enough. Even though the apartment is comfortable, I'm not sure he's regulating his temperature well. Until he started having these issues he was a fairly aloof cat; now he needs comforting, and although I'm glad that I can do that for him, he's not getting physically better or stronger. I don't know what caused the bleeding yesterday. The sores always drain a bit but one must have torn open or perhaps he scratched it. I'm afraid that if this continues, he'll start bleeding and it won't clot quickly enough, especially if I'm out and not able to help. He's such a small cat these days and a little frail. In a couple of months, he'll be thirteen years old. I'm having to face up to the fact that maybe it is time to go ahead and put him to sleep.
I've talked with friends who have had to make that decision with their own animals. I've never had to do it myself, though, and this is so hard, because it's so difficult to figure out when there is no hope. No one I've talked to so far could fault the decision to put him down. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to my vet and see what she thinks. The last time I saw Dr Sears, during a friend's visit, she said that Buns had had the worst case of skin ulceration and the most resistant she'd ever seen. I know she won't tell me what to do--it's up to me, my responsibility--but I want to see if she can give me a little guidance on gauging when to do it in order to minimise his discomfort. I'm taking a friend over there on Thursday for an appointment. I'm considering taking Buns there, too. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I feel like I've somehow failed him, but honestly I don't think I could have really made it better, even with enough money to pursue all the possibilities. Still, that doesn't really help, does it?
I think it's going to be a hard week. But for now, I'm just trying to spend some time with him and the others, and remember better times....
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