Sigh.

I've been looking forward to having some alone time, where I can read, and nap, and straighten up things here at home. I'm out of practice being alone. It used to be very hard for me to relax by myself, despite being an introvert. I would run and stay busy so I didn't have to deal with things like emotions and problem-solving and stress. I would run myself ragged and drive everyone around me crazy with my neediness. I've told myself lately that I'm just reaping the benefits of a wider social life. But I'm starting to wonder if I'm having other issues, because now, on a day I finally have that opportunity, I want to be anywhere other than home.

When I went into therapy I started doing a sort of on-a-day-off-a-day thing where I spent time with others one day and then myself the next. It was especially essential on therapy days because they always brought out fluctuating emotions, and I cared enough about my friends to not subject them to that. But with that strategy, I'm afraid, I've sometimes given the impression that I need a break from others, that being around them is a chore. That's not really true. I mean yes, I do seem to have a need to recharge; if I go too long without taking time for self-care, I tend to crash for hours or get grumpy. Self-nurturing is one of the hardest things I think for most people to do. How many people out there live their lives in an over-scheduled frenzy where after awhile they don't know which way is up?

But it's not that I need a 'break' from others. I simply need to practise getting comfortable alone. For me, it's really hard for me to truly relax--no matter how much yoga or exercise or 'pleasant adult activities' as they say in DBT I do, especially at home. This is the first place in a long while where I have been able to do so. My other apartments since I've been on my own have mainly been places to drop stuff. And before...growing up, and in a relationship, well...I never really had a sense of 'home'. Here, I put on relaxing music, turn down the lights, curl up with the animals and a good book, and I feel peace. But, lately I've been avoiding it. I think I'm afraid that I'll lose it, for one. And frankly, I've been somewhat depressed...not where it's affecting every part of my life, but when I'm home, a lot of times I just sleep. I'm either physically not present or consciously not present. I can't seem to relax in any way than to make myself sleep...I feel all nervous and jittery alone. Even when I go over to a friend's, that's what I want to do--curl up on his couch and sleep, because being there is really the only place on the planet I feel safe. After a lot of work, I'd reached a point where I felt safe in all areas of my life. But with the lay off and the resulting circumstances, I've lost that sense of safety again.

That's it, I think. I'm afraid, and I don't feel safe anymore. I don't feel safe at work, because I've already been cut several hours and I'm afraid they'll just decide to cut the librarian entirely. I don't feel safe looking for work. I don't feel safe at home, because it's such a struggle to keep a roof over my head and I feel guilty for that even though, for once, it's really not my fault that I'm struggling so much financially. I only feel safe with friends. It's not the incredibly neurotic-please-don't-leave-me kind of anxiety where I drive them crazy and no one wants to be around me. Most everyone thinks I'm doing well in the circumstances, and even those who know better also know that I am doing better with it than I would have in the past. I don't think I'm draining to be around or bouncing off the walls, and I would hope they would tell me if that were the case.

But I think I've reached a point where I need to force myself to spend some time alone and just enjoy my own company. My frustrations with work boiled over a little today (mostly after I'd left...I wound up needing to vent to two people, but I did discuss some with my boss), and I'm questioning whether I should withdraw the security guard application. I think I could do a good job, in fact I know I could. But I have to ask myself why I would want to invest more of my energy into a place that frankly is no longer a supporting environment. Because I've had to cut back my involvement and services to meet the limited hours, I no longer feel professionally satisfied. A lot of the flexibility of the job has also eroded away to the point where I'm just not happy. I don't enjoy being there anymore, period. I am there purely out of duty, and this is a job I loved and a mission I always believed in. The security position is even more regimented. I'm a very productive person, but I feel stifled when things must be done down to the absolute minute. In the past, I've stayed late when needed and had the flexibility to come in a little later the next day or take off early on Fridays--what mattered was getting the total time in. I've had mixed directions about having to clock in and out for lunch, that sort of thing, and it's getting harder to take from people who don't have to do any such thing themselves. I feel more like a lackey than a professional. Maybe that's my problem--I don't think like a lackey, and I didn't put in all the money and time for a master's degree to be treated like one. But for now, that's what they want...someone to jump hoops without thinking. I think it's time to do exactly what is expected of me--no more, and no less. That means clocking in precisely on time, leaving precisely when I'm supposed to--regardless of who needs help or what needs to still be done, putting off people who catch me in the hall or parking lot on my way in, that sort of thing, and being sure to take my fifteen minute break, which I rarely have been doing. It goes against my training and my nature, but I think it's the only way to show a backbone in light of the situation. And of course, I'm still hunting for a job that where I really can utilise my training and serve the patrons.

I know money is always an issue in libraries (and no one ever went to library school to be rich) but $13K a year and being unable to go to conferences or develop professionally has caused me to dread my job, especially given how much of myself I put into it over seven years. I've always known I'm the type of person who is at risk for burn out--enthusiasm leads to disappointment. I'm not burned out on librarianship; I am, however, burned out in terms of some of the hypocrisy I see around me every day. And the sad thing is, that I'm one of the lucky ones. Some of the others who were laid off entirely are in far worse shape.

Anybody have room for an energetic, talented librarian who really just wants some respect and enough money to pay for a phone, electricity, rent, and groceries?

For now, I've talked to two friends via phone, made plans for later in the weekend, and I think I'm okay for a night of alone time now. And for my first trick, it's back to my Elizabeth Peters' book and enjoying the sun streaming through the windows. And maybe a real nap, as opposed to those fretful ones. Then, to get to work on this place. At least I won't be distracted by the television...I went ahead and asked them to disconnect the cable (which I'd already reduced to the basic) so that I can save a little more money a month. I mostly watch shows at friends' houses or when I'm bored, so it'll give me some incentive to do some work for KET, de-clutter (and maybe sell some stuff), do some financial planning, and read. :)