I had a small breakdown tonight...

: Drained

Maybe it was inevitable, given the success of yesterday's presentation. Or the uncertainty of the traffic stop. Or just that the pressures related to basic living expenses and little coming in finally got to be too much. Having the traffic ticket didn't help--$125 or so of money I don't have regardless of whether I do traffic school or not, with the main difference being avoiding points on my licence/increase in premiums for my insurance...something my mother is already paying for me because I can't. And to make it all the worse, I'd found out a dear friend might suffer due to my desperate (but maybe not the best) coping skills having a domino effect.

All at once, I was right back emotionally where I had been before. I felt as if I were nothing, as if I should just go home, slowly put my animals to sleep, and then do the same, never to wake up.

I didn't act on that impulse. But the fact that it's there means that I can never really let go of the constant vigilance I must maintain to conquer mental illness.

In the end, most everything turned out okay. The friend whose phone call triggered the spiral called back and everything had been worked out; I made some phone calls and managed to at least postpone one bill and removed about $60 from my monthly lines of red. I'm still very much in need of funds, but I have basic necessities and as someone reminded me, all is flux; this will change, probably for the better. The job hunt is earnestly continuing. I interview for a security guard position tomorrow at the hospital that would help me raise my hours a bit. There are a lot of people out there trying to help me find a job and get help in the meantime to maintain some standard of living that includes being inside with electricity and food.

I have faith that things will get better. They have to. This is one of a long series of challenges in my life that will, in the end, make me stronger. But it's not fun. But still, I am so much better than I was; others can see it, so where I might not believe myself, I must believe them.

After I'd recovered a bit, several friends and I went to Starbuck's and played Hear Me Out. That helped calm me further, although I feel emotionally drained now--you know, that drained, almost hung-over feeling. But I enjoyed myself. It was nice, cheap entertainment. It was good to be surrounded by people whom I care about, and who likewise worry about me.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I've felt strangely...ambivalent...about it. I don't know why. Normally I feel excited. The girls at work have planned a celebration. Then several friends and I are going to go up to Cincinnati to try an Ethiopian restaurant, with Dwana treating me. Another friend is taking me to see Hellboy soon. And I have to admit, now that I'm home and alone, I am feeling a little excited. I guess today I just felt things crashing down and that made it hard to feel good emotions as well as bad.

Anyway, I'm sure tomorrow will be better. If I can just learn to stand still and breathe for a few moments rather than letting my mood run away, I'll see my life change for the better. Wish me luck.