at least, other people whom I do not know, is that rather than a voyeuristic look into these windows of other people's lives, I see it as a way to experience other perspectives--their struggles, their strengths, their spirits--and connect, both in terms of sharing their stories by reading them, and in some cases, communicating with the people themselves. One person I really can relate to is Anne, especially her latest post.
I've spent so much of my life setting myself up for failure because for whatever reason--and I'm not clear as to why just yet--I fear success. Like Anne, I feel anger at myself for succeeding (and of course, I also feel anger at myself for failing, so it pretty much sucks regardless of what I do). If I do succeed in something, if I receive a compliment, whatever, I almost immediately do something stupid.
Well, at least I used to. I'm trying to break that cycle. I've gone through years of therapy (and will probably seek out a good deal more), learnt life skills, but still, it's my first tendency. It's probably always going to be a struggle for me, just like an alcoholic will always struggle with his addiction. It's a part of my personality, shaped by coping mechanisms so ingrained that I really have to work not to read from the same script over and over again.
Reading Anne's post made me think about my own feelings. I don't know how well she described her emotions, but she did a very good job at describing ones I've felt. And yes, I understand feeling frustrated and angry with yourself because it's taken so long to discover inner strength that could have been used to protect you from the pain in life in the first place. I don't dwell too much on past ifs...I want to understand why I do and feel certain things, but I can't go back and relive it. But every now and then, I wonder, what if I'd had someone to guide me earlier in life? What if I'd grown up feeling loved and wanted? What if I'd felt that I could do anything? What if I'd had some measure of stability so that I could have made long-lasting friendships? It's a lot of what-ifs, dreams that might have made all the difference, but I am the person I am now, not some alternate possibility, and not--for that matter--the person I once was. For all my failings, I am a much stronger person than I used to be, more connected to reality, more caring, more connected to others. A lot of the credit has to go to my mentor--who, although I didn't meet him until my mid-twenties, probably saved my life by getting me to question my choices. Although it might have been nice to have had that relationship earlier, I am still thankful that I have it at all. And to be honest, a lot of the credit has to go to me, even when I try to look at things in black and white, like 'I failed' or 'that was bad'. Instead, I need to focus on 'that was a setback, but I'll do better next time' or 'that was unwise, how would the situation be made better?'
I don't know how much that really relates to what Anne was saying, but those are the thoughts came to mind when I read her post. And that's another reason I read other people's blogs--because it makes me think about my own opinions, experiences, feelings, and stories.
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