which I'm not really used to celebrating. I sent John an e-card from Hallmark where you have to try to put up tools in a Flash game before the dog knocks them out of your hand. It seemed appropriate to John, who's very much the Tool Guy and has a large rambunctious dog, too.
It's amazing that in the short time I've known him, John has been so much more supportive of me as a father than my own father ever was in our entire relationship. I understand a little why my father was like he was; I'm not even sure he realised how much he hurt me over the years, because he was wrapped up in himself and could never really give me the one thing I craved--his love. John has come through on small things and big, and I'm very grateful for him as a father, and of course my mom seems really happy for the first time in a relationship too.
I hope my father (funny, I used to call him Daddy, then my dad, and now I can't even seem to use that) has grown over the years and is doing better, for his own sake and for the sake of his family. He was never really ready for fatherhood, and rather fell into it as a natural consequence. I think he always resented losing his freedom by being tied to my mom and me. And he never really had much of a father figure himself. I've learned a little about that side of the family, and apparently estrangement is a long-standing family tradition, more's the pity. I don't know if I'll ever have children of my own, but I do know that if I do I'm going to put every bit of maturity I've gained over the years to make it as caring and nurturing a relationship as possible, to break that chain. And in the meantime, I'm glad to have the opportunity to learn what it means to have a father, even if he's not mine biologically. It almost makes up for all those years without one. Almost.
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