Bingo

Author writes about the underworld of men with wives and girlfriends cruising for men.

I learnt about this the hard way almost twenty years ago. There were times I thought about writing a book, but I rather thought no one would believe me. This is written from a true insider, and so people are taking notice. But let me tell you, it sounds dead on...and if what I know about the crusing spots and the men here in Lexington is still valid, the vast majority of participants in this area are white, although the book is written about a black man's experiences. There really is an entire set of rituals, language, etc. within this subculture. The tapping of the foot, certain areas for cruising, etc.

It's been my experience that these men may well be sexually compulsive, unwilling to identify as homosexual (and indeed, may truly be bisexual, or even heterosexual but willing to let another man perform fellatio on him--not the other way around--but there's a tendency to keep all activities with men under the carpet and in the closet). For some, having a woman actually tends to convince him that he is, in fact, not gay. Sociologists who have studied it (and there was a very controversial study done decades ago where a researcher, Laud Humphreys, acted as 'lookout' at rest stops, then recorded licence plates and followed up without telling his subjects how he found them) report that the vast majority of these men identify themselves as heterosexual. This is one of the reasons why HIV researchers refer to 'men who have sex with men' rather than in terms of sexual orientation. What men report and what they do are two different things. Part of this may be because, frankly, no one in their right mind would want to deal with the negative connotations of being identified as gay in this society. Part of it, too, is that unlike women, for men sex is more of a physical than emotional experience...men are more likely to use a variety of outlets (sex within marriage, sex outside of marriage, sex with other men, prostitution, and masturbation) than women.

The men you see being nabbed in parks or cruising for prostitutes are generally NOT openly gay men. Openly gay men are out clubbing together or home with their honeys. This is what happens when men--whether they have an addiction or just a different orientation--hide from themselves. And it is very sad--and dangerous, since their partners are often anonymous, yet they may have steady partners who have no idea what's going on. Most gay men know what goes on in the bathrooms, even if they don't participate, so they are better prepared for a partner's actions. For women, men's rooms are an entirely different world. They assume that men go there to use the bathroom, and that's it. Hardly. I've known men--gay and straight--who won't go near a public restroom. I would not send a son in without an escort, frankly, either. I suspect another underground sexual subculture--paediphiles--cruise bathrooms looking for unaccompanied kids or young teens.

But the book shouldn't be seen as a condemnation of men in general. Yes, women should know about the possibilities--just like they should be aware of the potential for affairs, drug use, and other potential risk factors. And from my experience, too, women need to have strong senses of self before getting into relationships...the women who wind up 'being used' by these men to hide tend to have low self-esteem, are willfully clueless, heavily in denial, and don't believe they deserve better. They tend to believe that this is the only man they 'can get'. They tend to go along with whatever he says...the excuses for being out late, his willingness to change, his unwillingness to get help for sexual addiction, etc. They tend to believe they can 'change him'. They even, like me, wait patiently outside a restroom and pretend he's just using the bathroom like everyone else, even if they really know better.

Maybe this will help some wake up...wake up to the idea of sexual addiction, wake up to the lies in their own lives. Life is so much better when you let go of the lies and start living it fully.