A friend and I happen to belong to a group of people within a larger one. I am somewhat on the fringes, being outside the actual hierarchy within which she belongs. Although we each work on our respective projects, the group as a whole tends to do certain things together, like birthday parties or movie nights.
Recently my friend moved to another area, and because of the closeness of her space and the distance between us, we were mostly seeing each other during free times or away from the group altogether.
The other day I had visited a little more than usual. There was a birthday celebration for one of the women of the group for which I was in charge of planning, but my friend knows her better and I was in need of suggestions. There was also another outing for which we were co-hostesses, and the woman who was coming to give a presentation was annoying my friend with many phone calls, so we discussed this briefly. In addition, during the time I was there, a conversation started up with her neighbour on some issues that had been awkward some time ago, and it was good to finally put it to rest and be able to provide the support we would have liked back then. At one point I left, coming back only when it was time for us to leave.
During this time, a woman who is over the others in that are had come by a couple of times and seen me in there. Because of some past issues, her assumption that I'd been there the whole time, and a desire to minimise socialising, she decided my being there was an issue. Rather than saying something at the time or coming to me directly, she went to someone else, who then asked my friend to talk to me about it the next day. While no one was supposedly 'in trouble', the implication was that my presence was disruptive to the others, that my friend and I were slacking, and that I was not welcome in that area. It was suggested that we only see each other during free times in designated areas. While this in and of itself would be normally reasonable, the fact of the matter is that this group socialises a great deal amongst themselves, and so yes, I felt we were singled out. If someone had come to me directly, I would have probably been completely okay about it. Instead what happened was a sort of game of 'Operator' where once things had been told and repeated, whatever tone might have been originally meant flew out the window. I've seen this sort of thing happen in other groups and in other situations within this one, and frankly, I didn't want to play that game.
I ws surprised at how strong of a reaction I had. Yes, the whole thing was mishandled. Yes, it was a double standard. Yes, I was annoyed because I had, in fact, been cognizant of the need to keep such a confined space free from distraction, and had watched the time, because frankly my time and projects are important to me as well. But despite the fact that I had tried to limit my visits already to those necessary and this was an unusual occurrence, there was still an issue, and one where I never got to give my side because no one except my friend was willing to talk to me about it. At the time it seemed just one more instance of the erosion of my ability to contribute to the overall success of this organisation; indeed, I've felt my personality there has been nearly obliterated for some time. I'm beginning to feel that what everyone wants me to be is some extension of the equipment, an automaton who will give them exactly what they want--no more, no less. That's an over-reaction, I know, but it stems from a slow degradation of control over my environment. Over the past few weeks, I've sought to gain what control I can and have de-cluttered my physical space to the point where nothing remains that even shows I'm there except my body, and although I know it's probably unreasonable, I gain a certain pleasure from knowing that I could just walk away from it all and not even have to carry anything beyond my handbag. Now it's bare, uncluttered, sort of harsh, but it's a reflection of how I feel myself. I took my own things home and redistributed some of the other stuff. Ironically, one thing I 'redistributed'--that same day--was a red stuffed bulldog that one of my friend's neighbours would particularly like. She's away right now and has a bulldog, and I thought she'd like this. But when I took it back there, most everyone from the group were in that same area--the one that I was supposed to avoid--ordering food and cutting up.
I have to admit, I was hurt. It only underscored the sense of being singled out. I'm sure they realised it looked bad. The implication was that it was fine to congregate if you were really part of the group, but if not, shove off.
I think part of the problem I encountered is that there are two women, both in a position of authority over the others, with very different styles. One seems strict, by-the-book, not particularly emphathetic or necessarily up front with the rules. One is social, seems to believe that people who spend time together for any reason should somehow be friends, that everyone should hang together like a clique. There's conflict between those two styles, and neither are particularly congruent with my personality. By the time anything reached me, both had had input, but neither had discussed it with me. There was discussion with others within the group, however, so I felt that I'd been called to task both unfairly and publically.
I have to admit that the whole thing left me feeling hurt and I didn't particularly feel like spending time with the group. The fact that we'd had both the birthday celebration and party the evening before and all gotten along famously only made it that much more palpable.
I've been very frustrated with this sort of 'high school clique' mentality for awhile, and I suppose I finally just snapped. I suppose they might think that's an unfair judgement, but it's certainly been evident at times. I remember years ago being offended when a friend who taught logic and ethics explained that many women never mature emotionally and ethically past a high school level; men do primarily because they're expected to operate in the world outside the home to a greater degree. Now, I've known a lot of immature and ethically impoverished men. But I have to admit, I've also seen this principle in action several times. There was a time a few years ago where a woman we knew acted abysmally over at someone's house, and wound up destroying property, then blamed him, got very defensive, and never really acted like an adult. Then all the other women got upset because he held her accountable, and stormed out. They started calling me over and over to discuss it, until they'd worked themselves into a frenzy. I refused to run interference and told them to take it up with him. Eventually the troublemakers all left the group entirely, leaving the rest of us in peace. The only one to remain was the one person who actually talked to the host directly. She valued the relationship more than some sort of perceived crisis. Ironically, the women who stormed out 'in support' of the other woman didn't even like her, weren't her friends. One had just gone on about how much she disliked her before she'd arrived. All I could do was just shake my head at it all. I kind of feel like that all over again.
I think in the long run this has been good. I feel like I protected my interests without damaging any real friendships. I think the situation brought up a whole slew of issues that needed addressing on all our parts.
Anyway, that's my diatribe. I do see where I could have done things differently and where I over-reacted. I still think there was a lot outside of my control that was stupid, too. I'm glad my friend and I were able to talk--away from the situation--because our relationship, our friendship is stronger than this petty stuff, but it may mean we'll have to change our interaction around the others, because it really is important that she retain a strong connexionto the others, and I'm not sure I want to. I'm not burning bridges, but I just don't feel like doing things with them right now. So maybe this will give me a chance to do the other things I used to during my free time...read, yoga, interact with others--things that I did before I started hanging out with them because of my friend. I prefer relationships where everything's out in the open and there's no second-guessing required. That's the situation I have with my dearest friends.
I still wonder if anyone will aftually talk to me about it. I think they feel it's over so long as I'm not crying or sending e-mails. They're wrong. But I feel a sense of comraderie was broken, which may be good in the long run, because it frees me to pursue other relationships that I think may be worthwhile, and dispense with games and focus on things I need to do instead. In the meantime, I'm not about to give anyone the chance to paint me unfairly as a troublemaker--I'd rather be known as such based on my own merits, thank you :)--if I'm going to be branded as such, I'd at least like to have earned it fairly, by being true to myself regardless of others' expectations. :o)
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