Longing for what could have been

So I'm about halfway through Deborah Harkness' A Discovery of Witches. Although I'm enjoying the plot and the tension between the main characters (a witch and a vampire), I am finding that what truly appeals to me about it are the books, the history, the atmosphere of scholarship. Harkness is an historian, and she evokes the smell of old paper and older vellum when she describes the Bodelian Library, or the castle with its own special library and study, of books collected over the years of a vampire's life, of history lived.

I studied mediaeval history in college for eleven years. While I never did get the doctorate I'd hoped to pursue (my anxiety over oral defence being so great, for one), I took virtually every class offered by the university in classical, mediaeval, and early modern history, wrote countless papers, got good grades, and although there were some bumps along the way (my bipolar disorder was undiagnosed and unmedicated, my home life was deteriorating during the first part of my studies, and I went through a divorce), I learned a lot, although I was not a true scholar, really, so perhaps it is better that I am a caretaker of learning. But I miss studying. And although I do not need a degree or a university for that matter to learn, I miss academia at times. My life now, although enmeshed with books as a librarian, is much more pedestrian these days.

As I read tonight, I realised that a part of me is missing; I've lost it. My lifelong learning has taken me in lots of directions, but my grounding in history and languages has largely atrophied. I'm resolving to change that. Rather than coming home and just falling asleep, I want to learn. I want to review. I want to delve into the mysteries of the past beyond just watching a documentary or reading about other historians online. I've put together a good grounding in language, philosophy, and historic literature between my Kindle and my library. I will add to that, and haunt the library for more. I no longer want a career in academia; I don't want to jump through the hoops, etc. But I still want to learn. And now that I have some maturity, I think my understanding will be better. I am blessed with a best friend who is a scholar, is well read (much better than I, and I'm no slouch) and a much better thinker, so I have someone in my life to discuss scholarly pursuits with.

PS I was so into the book I tried to turn a page earlier rather than hit 'next page', despite the fact that I was using my Kindle. I totally forgot that I was reading an e-book. :)