Okay, so I'm backdating this. Forgive me, but it was a great one and I wish I hadn't missed it.
1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?
Finally feeling like I'm living my own life and not someone else's--and enjoying it, no matter what hurdles it may bring.
2. What was your biggest disappointment?
That someone who I had known for nearly ten years--whom I'd defended and supported and cared about like the sister I never had-- threw away my friendship by having one last, stupid, tirade over something trivial and didn't even have the balls to end it in person--or even the phone--but rather just blogged about it as if we'd had 'the talk'. Although in retrospect, maybe the friendship was always one-sided, if the things she wrote really was how she felt about me, in which case I'm best rid of such a toxic 'friend'. One of the things I'd realised over the course of my own therapy was that she did a lot of borderline stuff that made me seem almost normal--including blaming everyone else for her own problems, and pushing people away and then hating them for abandoning her. In the end, it was all about her, and her twisted view of things--and that's never going to change short of therapy, and she doesn't want that, or for that matter--as far as I can tell--people who care about her, and her husband--who I also thought of as a friend--never showed enough spine to emit the tiniest protest, so that was disappointing, too. Mind, you, not so long ago I officiated at their wedding. Why is it that couples act as some stupid entity-thing rather than two independent people with brains of their own?
A year ago I would have blamed myself, and excused her volatile, abusive behaviour even though everyone else in our circle of friends had cut her out of their lives and people who didn't know her but watched her behaviour (rather than hearing about it from me) just thought she was a raving bitch. This year I stopped making excuses and found new friends I could depend on who did want a two-way friendship, and I'm a lot happier as a result, It's nice to have people in my life I that I don't feel like I have to walk on eggshells with. I don't know if she's any happier, but I hope she gets exactly what she wants in life, although I don't think she'll ever be happy with it--which is a shame, because under it all she really does have a lot going for her. And for the first time, I can say I'm really not concerned one way or the other, because it's none of my business...we're no longer friends, and she's the one who chose to remove herself from my life; I tried to contact her, she avoided me, I had done the best I could, so I went on with my life.
I've noticed in the past that after a time she acts as if nothing bad ever happened, that once she's bored with the people she's gotten to amuse her in the meantime, then she'll run in to the person and act as if everything's just fine. I don't think she gets that it's not just fine, and only a stupid person would treat her as anything other than what she is, having been treated that way. You know what? I've done a lot of stupid things in the past with relationships...but I'm not that stupid.
3. What do you hope the new year brings?
Now that I've learnt to love myself, I want to learn to love someone else--not someone safe, and unable to return that love, but a scary, potentially messy kind of love that nevertheless is the most rewarding. Oh, gods, I sound like a total dweeb. But it's true. And yet I'm scared shitless of that sort of love. Which is probably why I should go back to therapy. :)
4. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? If yes, what will they be?
Mostly to just keep trying to get healthier in mind, body, and spirit...although I'm not going to say 'I MUST'; that just seems to set you up for failure. Instead, I'd rather take one day at a time and make gradual changes so a year from now I can say...oh, yeah, that's better. It doesn't have to be put in black and white. One of the things I'm trying to learn is to not try to control every aspect of my life to keep anxiety at bay. It just makes you crazy. It's better to learn to bend a little.
5. What are your plans for New Year's Eve?
I'm actually going to a party. But it's a snack-on-munchies-play-board-games-until-Dick-Clark-announces-the-New-Year kind of party, with just a few people, so it's not like, a scary party. :)
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