Today a co-worker complimented me on my appearance and confided that she figured I looked like I was happy with myself and that I 'must be getting some'. Nope, thank you, I can feel good about myself without external validation. But I did realise that the idea of being with someone intrigues me these days, rather than the petrifying fear I used to have. When you have social phobia, dating can be a real problem. Fortunately, that's eased a great deal. I'm still shy but not mortified, and I suspect most people who haven't been around me for a long time have no idea how scared I used to be in groups of people, because I come off much more at ease these days. And so...
I just completed the exhaustive (and exhausting!) profile for eHarmony.com to (hopefully) find someone I might be compatible with. Since I chose whole world and any race (the only must was non-smoker), you would think it wouldn't be too hard, right? Well, I'm apparently somewhat unique (although that's probably due to my Paganism--I'm sure for a lot of other religions people are going to want to stay in the faith, whereas I don't have trouble with most religious beliefs so long as they're tolerant of mine). Gee, I even checked Mennonite. (But passed on Scientologists and Mormons, no offence.) I figure Friday is the twelfth anniversary of my leaving my psycho first relationship (and thereby making the most difficult and best decision in my life). With the exception of a brief few dates, I've pretty much been alone since then; certainly there's been nothing in the way of a relationship. I needed that time, I think, to mature emotionally. I finally feel like I can trust again and risk all the 'what ifs' if the chance for a loving relationship comes along. For the first time in my life I have several friendships where we're on equal footing with one another; I feel the same with my family relationships. I think that was a start. Am I ready to take the plunge into modern coupling? Who knows? But I'm willing to at least tie the bungee cord on. :)
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