Unshelved by Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum
comic strip overdue media

Friday, December 05, 2003

Happy Friday

listening to: 'Road to Acco' by Sheldon Sands
feeling: Introspective

I was looking forward to the Friday Five, but it's on hiatus. But, feeling deprived of end-of-the-week Q&A, and just a little disappointed--but not to the point of castigation--that I didn't really write much at all last month for NaNoWriMo, I've decided to come up with my own:

1. What is your first memory? The feel and smell of sand. I think I was in Vandenberg, California, so I would have been something like 1 1/2 or 2 years old.

2. What one smell can bring back memories like no other? There is this one earthy scent I can't place but it always takes me back to the pine woods and sea air of South Carolina, even though I occasionally smell it inland.

3.What is your strongest memory? Being told by my husband that he had never loved me, and the aftermath.

4. How good of a memory do you have? I have the memory of a goldfish. I used to be able to memorise facts well in school, but as life has become more complex, my memory has gone down the tubes; I often telescope different memories together. Also, for years I was in a state of dissociation, so I remember bits and pieces from my life only. Most of my childhood memories revolve around school or playing with friends; I have few memories of my home life, really, which is mostly a blur. The same goes for the most stressful times of my life. This is a source for frustration when I try to figure out why it became so important to forget; what memories I have I don't trust easily. It's also frustrating because my best friend's memory is eidetic, so I win very few points based on recollection.

5. How do you want to/think you will be remembered? I hope people remember me as a loyal, resilient person who tried to follow a path of truth. I'm afraid some of the people who knew me in my 20s will rather remember me as pathetic. I think I've largely grown beyond the passive, clingy person I once was. Dwana always says she can't imagine me being like that, but I really, really was. I'm proof that some people can make fundamental changes to the psyche, although it was very difficult and required a lot of support (and therapy). I'm glad she can't see the dysfunctional person I was, since she never knew me then. It means that I'm successful in a way people seldom realise matters. I hope that I'm remembered as someone who fought to bring herself up from a shadowed half-life to truly living.

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