I'm writing this at home on my PDA. IT's about 9:30 and I've just finished with a productive session at home working for distance learning (the PBS station). Before that I spent a ouple of hours with D and baby J. It was nice to actually talk for any length of time with anyone. I'm afraid that if I were a Sim my social attribute would be nil after this weekend. Goodness, I'm making video game references. See, I haven't had enough social stuff going on lately. Pretty much game night has been it, and that was last week. I thought about going to chorus or to the Unitarian church, but really, I don't want to commit to anything and then not be able to continue when my social life does go back up. I did really did mean to go to a writing group at the local library branch, but the date snuck up on me and so I wasn't prepared to take anything to discuss. Sigh. It sounds pathetic, doesn't it? I mean to do a lot, but really haven't done much. Instead I spent the weekend in bed and reading and generally doing nothing. Of course, it was my last weekend (hopefully) to laze about like that, so perhaps I can be forgiven.
I'm looking back at this month, and I have to admit, it's been a useful experiment. On the one hand I've been very emotionally stable, under little stress, and I've had a lot of chance to think, and spend some time alone with myself--something I usually, truth be told, avoid. On the ohter hand, I really value my frinedships more, and realise that I have good, decent friendships--not toxic ones that I used to hold onto in desperation rather than jettisoning them to where they belong; in the past. The most notable of those was with Liz, who ended our friendship not face to face, but via her blog. When I look at the person I am now compared to the one I was then, I'm so much more assertive. The only trouble is, somewhere in growing a backbone I went overboard and saw problems where there really were none. I suppose I've just been hurt too much before, and it's sometimes difficult for me to take things at face value and not read in things that were problems in other relationsihips. The problems were with my perceptions, and what I filled in.
Oh, I don't know, I suppose I do need to stick up for my own ieas and express myself better, and more than anything, I have to stop comparing myself to others and rather just work on being ME and accepting myself as I am as I struggle to make changes where I see the need. There really isn't anything fundamentally wrong with me. As a person, I'm probably pretty average with a little more insight thanks to a great mentor--who frnakly I never really appreciated until it was too late. I suppose I took for granted that I'd always have that, and that as a result, there was a safety net in place so I really couldn't make many lasting mistakes...and yet I kept testing that net again and again. now I'm performing without that safety net and it's scary but I feel more responsible for my own life, and that's good, because among other things it was never fair to anyone else to expect them to save me or at least give me attention for the wrong reasons. That's what I've been doing, what I've done all my life with several people. If they save me, I see them as good. If they fail me, they're bad. That's the black and white thinking of being a borderline, and something that it's high time I stopped doing.
Meanwhile, I have to stop thinking of myself as a failure. A counselor told me recently that you can't expect to remember everything perfectly like a snapshot, that memory doesn't work that way. I've seen myself as unable to remember anything, being defective, when really, I'm just normal. The same goes for things I do in daily life. I have some challenges. I do seem to have attention issues, something I'm about to start medicine to help with. But mostly I think I just get overwhelmed by all the multitudes of things going on in my personal life, because when things got so much quieter, I was fine, and there was also no building blocks to derive much drama from, either. At the same time, I'm bored. Bored with my work. Bored without anyone else coming up with things for me to do. And that's pretty sad. When I'm alone and have free time, I feel nearly paralysed with all the different things I could do. I can't really relax and do what I'd like because...well, I'm not really sure about why that is. Maybe it's a fear of being alone, being responsible for my own choices. Maybe it's the ADD. I don't know. But I need to recapture that drive to do things and follow through with them. It's funny, when I'm so busy I can't think straight I can come up with all sorts of things I want to do--but again, are they things I would if I had the chance? After this month, I can say pretty much that that's a no. And that's something that has to change.
I'm looking forward to the end of the month, the end of the experiment, although there's some trepidation, because how it ends isn't up to just me. I know what I want to happen, but I'm not sure what will.
I know this is rambling, but it's the first time in awhile I've really written about my feelings. I don't know if anything will make sense to the rest of you, but that's okay...this post is for me.
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