Unshelved by Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum
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Monday, March 15, 2004

Sex. Marriage. Discuss.

I was reading Tubbs' Not So Saucy blog and came across an entry on 'saving' oneself for marriage. I left a comment there, but I thought I'd post here, too, since I put some thought into it.
I think the choice of waiting or having sex is something that each individual makes for him/herself, based on a whole slew of reasons. Certainly the idea of 'saving yourself'--and I do agree that that phrase does, in fact, say a lot about how we view a woman's worth, since women are usually the ones expected to do so--simply because it is socially acceptable is ludicrous.

If I had kids, I'd urge them to wait until things really felt 'right' (and take precautions if they do choose). If that's sixteen, fine. If that's twenty-six, that's fine, too. It's about respecting yourself, not whether others respect you. Maybe I give kids too much credit, I don't know. And I'd be up front that the first time is never how you imagine it. It's usually messier and stupider. :)

I didn't wait for marriage, and I struggled with the idea that my image as a 'good girl' had gone out the window. I'd also not taken precautions the first few times, like a stupid git. Fortunately I didn't reap any consequences from that.

On the other hand, I think it's kind of creepy to vow 'death due you part' to someone you haven't even slept with. You have no idea if you're compatible. You have no experience to compare it to. There's lots of room for 'what ifs' later. But that's just me.


That's my opinion, anyway. I was such a naïve geek about sex when I was a teen. I was eighteen when I 'lost' my virginity; (Why do they call it that? Where does it go--where socks do in the laundry? I didn't lose it--I gave it up somewhat clumsily.) I was nineteen when my dad decided to bring up the subject. (Eight when my mom did, although it consisted of looking at her nursing books on how babies are made. You know what we could really use? Real sex education, where adults tell teens how to handle guys pressuring you or what to do when a girl tries to 'trap' you by saying she's pregnant. Maybe it's cynical, but it happens.

That was eighteen years ago. Did I ever regret it? No, not really. The main mistakes I made were 1) not taking precautions and 2) marrying the first guy I ever slept with, because I felt I should--both because of that tenuous idea of being a 'good girl'. Good girls fall hard, let me tell you. I'd prefer a daughter of mine to be more of a middle-of-the-road-kind-of-girl who makes her own decisions in that grey area between good girl and slut, mind you--it's more grounded in reality. That's the more feminist choice, too. Feminism is about having the ability to make you own way despite societal constraints, regardless of whether you choose traditional or non-traditional paths. The world isn't black or white, despite the tendency for society to label women either virtuous or fallen. Waiting for marriage doesn't make you superior in morality. Sleeping around with anyone and everyone because you think you need to 'fit in' or because you don't have any self-esteem is stupid, too. Choosing your own destiny (and taking responsibility for those choices, which are hopefully not based solely on impulse) is putting yourself on the path to maturity, regardless of whether the choice is sex or abstinence.

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