For Dwana

This was a comment I left on another blog, but I thought I'd post it here, too. It was in response to a suggestion that infertility was God's way of telling someone that perhaps biological children are not meant to be, and had she perhaps considered adoption? I know that it wasn't necessarily meant to be offensive, but the fact of the matter is that no one who has just lost a pregnancy really wants to deal with that sort of 'helpful' advice. The irony is that Dwana has always talked about adopting, regardless of whether she has biological children or not. Since her miscarriage she's been up to her ears in platitudes that I think she'd rather not be dealing with, but she's too polite to say anything negative in response. So I volunteered. :) Today was her first day back to work after a very emotional and physically draining week. She's been in a lot of pain and has become anaemic, and I think it was taking all her fortitude to deal with people who were getting on her last nerve these past few days. As much as she wanted to come back, I think she's still overwhelmed by it all. So this is for Dwana.

I've come across the idea that people who try for in vitro rather than adopting as somehow selfish a lot lately. A whole bunch of people on a list I was on recently said as much. I noticed none of them had actually dealt with infertility. We take a lot of things for granted about our fertility choices until we come against a wall, whether it's someone given the hope for the first time in years to have a biological child or someone dealing with an unplanned pregnancy and considering abortion. In each case, adoption is thrown out as if it's something as easy as picking out a puppy at the pound. I'm all for adoption, but it's incredibly difficult and expensive to adopt a child; I've known one woman who had a child for four days before it was whisked back because the mother changed her mind. It was heartbreaking. She had spent thousands of dollars to aid the mother's living and medical expenses. She now has two beautiful daughters, adopted through another state. Kentucky's adoption process, from what I can tell, just sucks. Most successful adoptions I've known of have been international, and yet a lot of countries are re-examining or limiting these. The demand has been so strong that some children in other countries have literally been stolen off the street to be 'sold' to a couple in the United States.

My feeling is that 1) All children should be wanted children. 2) God has worked miracles through modern science's leaps in fertility. 3) People have many ways to approach creating families. Some never want to have children. Others do want their own biological legacy...that's okay. 4) Adoption can be a wonderful thing, but there are barriers in the system that are very real and very heartbreaking, and the truth of the matter is no matter whether you raise a biological or adoptive child, there's a great leap of faith involved. The loss of a child--or even a potential child--is palpable no matter how it happens. My thoughts are with you, D.

They say there's a card for everything these days. I think they're right. I found one that I think did a good job of showing support without condenscension. It read something like this: 'I can't understand fully what you're going through. I understand a little. But I care a lot.' Why can't people just admit that they don't know how a person really feels, but they love them anyway? Instead they try to fill up uncomfortable silences, come out with totally off the wall stuff, or even try to compete. Sigh.