It takes a village

Yesterday as I was about to leave for work, my roommate pointed out that my car, which just has the plastic on the window, was in no shape to park over at UK.

I'd been worried about the ADA hangtag disappearing. He pointed out that my car itself might be stolen, so I called my supervisor to ask if I could be late, and I took the bus in, which took almost an hour and a half, but I was actually only 40 minutes late for work. I was thinking I'd have to ride the bus for the rest of the time till payday [March 9th] when I'm off and can get the part put in by my mechanic.

Over the course of the day, I had friends from my department and another offering to do various things, and a plan was concocted and modified throughout the day.

• I checked with Autozone after a suggestion and the switch was not actually $150 like Tire Discounters had said (surprise) but $52. For signing up for e-mails, I got $10 off my first order, so I was able to get the whole thing, with tax, for $45. It's supposed to be here today but there may be a delay per a message I received this morning.
• The plan is to have my manager's husband try to put it in on Thursday if it doesn't require taking the inside of the door off, or the weekend if it does. I sent pictures from the website of the switch, including the plugs on the back, to my manager to share with him.
• Meanwhile, one friend took me home yesterday so I didn't have to ride the bus. My supervisor is taking me back and forth over the next few days; she comes in a little earlier, but I'm getting up about the time I would take the bus and I'm getting here quicker. They even picked me up/dropped me at the door to keep me from having to walk a distance to their cars.

I REALLY appreciate all the support from my friends at work who are helping. It really does mean a lot.

Sigh

I never knew much about Scott Adams. I found 'Dilbert' mildly amusing, but it wasn't my favourite strip or anything. I could relate to some of it, but there were others, such as 'Cathy' or 'Calvin and Hobbes' that I related to more.

After reading some of the comments he made and about his history of controversy, I believe he's basically an irrelevant whackado, and can therefore be dismissed.  I'm sure some will say, 'but he has the right to free speech'. Well, of course, he does--this is America. But...freedom of speech really only applies when you are threatened with government action to suppress your beliefs.  It doesn't mean you have the right to escape all consequences of your words. The newspapers and other consumers are in no way obligated to buy his products. A lot of people simply do not understand that and try to justify hate speech, conspiracy theories, and all sorts of messed-up stuff in the name of freedom of speech.

Newspapers have dropped the 'Dilbert' comic strip after a racist rant by its creator

Second day with the lamp

I don't find it annoying bright. Yesterday I had a mild headache; that's apparently normal when you start out. Right now I'm trying to get used it and only doing about 10-15 minutes a day, working my way up over the week to the recommended 30. Now if only I can wake up early enough to use it tomorrow morning. It's not really effective if I do it after I get home; it would just throw my sleep off. So I have to get up early enough to sit with it for a few minutes. We'll see. I'm going to try my best to make it a habit, at least until it gets light in the early hours again.

I got my oil changed at TIre Discounters yesterday, and after buying the larger package that includes two discounted oil changes, a 5% off voucher for service, and they threw in my windshield wipers for free, they tried to raise my window but it's down so far they were afraid to break it.  It is the switch, though, which with the labour would be about $200. I couldn't do that yesterday, but I'm going to try to have my regular mechanic look at it when I'm off for a couple of days in March.  So I went to Autozone and got a $10 kit that puts plastic on the windows and you tighten it with a hair dryer.  I was a little concerned as to how to do that, as I don't have an adapter between car electric sockets and household electric plugs, and our extension cord, if it reaches that far, would have to be plugged into the same circuit as the computer, and I don't want to trip that breaker.  You know how those hair dryers are. Funny, I have one, and I only use it for things like this unless it is 8 degrees or so outside and I've just taken a shower. I do, however, have a power bank I specifically bought so I could use my CPAP in a power loss situation like an ice storm or thunderstorm.  So I think that will work.  Anyway, that's on the agenda.  It's not really securing the car, but at least it will keep the rain out and maybe deter someone from just reaching in and getting my hangtag.

My therapy appointment went well. We're working our way through The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, 6th edition.  We went over chapter 1, which is a quick overview of different types of disorders and treatments.  I found out that I have every major type of anxiety disorder except agoraphobia--generalised anxiety, panic, obsessive-compulsive, phobic, social, and post-traumatic stress disorders.  Chapter two will be about the causes of anxiety disorders.  My therapist also sent me a couple of videos, one on what she calls 'monkey chatter' or negative self-talk, and the other on creating a ready toolbox of breathing to deal with symptoms.  I'm going to watch those here in a bit, and try to go through chapter two tonight.

Right now I am caffeinating so I can do my Sunday chores.  We're not playing the Call of Cthulhu game this weekend, although I did go ahead and transcribe the notes last night. We watched the first episode of 'Babylon 5' (we'd seen the hard-to-find pilot movie the other day; it's on Tubi).  I never watched it regularly enough to keep up with the story, but it is really well-written and coherent, particularly as the creator wrote out the whole saga before filming, so there's a lot fo foreshadowing, and certainly, it is not 'make it up as you go along'. Then we watched 'The Orville', the first episode of season 3, in which I cried through the whole thing, as it examines the precursors and aftermath of suicide. It wasn't my depression causing me to cry--I'm feeling a lot better since my meds were upped--but there were other reasons it was timely but upsetting, and I thought the story captured things very well. Plus, I like the character it centred around a lot.

Okay, I'm going to take my medicine and check out the news on the web. Have a great day.

So yesterday

So yesterday a child who wasn't even two nearly destroyed my bay at work.  She pulled down the giant Plexiglas screen (I don't understand why it was there, because the other half of the desk was completely open, so anyone could sneeze. The masks are protection, too, but still...)  she was pulling the rmonitor iser back toward her until she was tired of the tug-a-war as I tried to bring it back. She nearly broke the chalkboard I had out dropping it on the floor (it had previously been hidden behind the Plexiglas, along with my plants, including a glass 'light bulb' on a stand with pothos in it).  Mom was just trying to hold her but did not get her far enough from the desk to do a bit of good.  There was a language barrier, and the child was also having a meltdown, so the interpreter and mother had a hard time understanding each other, and since it was a video interpreter [think iPad on a stick], it was on my side of the counter, so I could hear better, but it was Arabic, which I don't know at all. If it had been Spanish I might have been able to help, or at least repeat it.

Once they left, I hung the blackboard on the wall high up, storing the stand and the Plexiglas under my back counter in the cabinet, and also moved most of the small plants, including the glass holder, to that back counter, along with a picture friend of my best friend. Now the only things left there are the larger ZZ plant and a small Peperomia on my side of the ZZ, where I also hid my pen holder, which includes these flower-top pens I love that my supervisor gave me for Secret Santa, which one other patient has already tried to take.  I had already moved my one Beanie Baby, a purple cat with big eyes that a friend gave me when the older cat died.  My magnifying glass, which is a big half-globe lens, is in its box, far away from prying eyes or little hands [I had a kid stick his arm under the riser to get that when it was out of the box at one point].  I think, with the exception of the monitors, I've got everything situated so nothing can break.  Mind you, the only reason I had anything of sentimental value or breakable on the desk in the first place is that most were hidden by the Plexiglas.

Sigh.  While I like children in theory [as in, they can be cute from a distance and I believe it is everyone's duty to protect them], I don't really feel completely comfortable around them, especially wiggly toddlers, and I'm absolutely terrified of babies because I'm afraid to hold them in case I drop them. So when a coworker comes with their newborn to show it off, I am not in line to hold it. I was an only child, never babysat enough, and never have had kids. I just don't have easy rapport. As a result, the coworker told me once they were gone that my face was priceless, a sort of RBF.

This is one of the many reasons I never had kids. I just couldn't handle it.

I'm feeling better

I have tried to be proactive and have taken steps to try to deal with and alleviate my depression, and as a result, I am feeling quite a bit better.

My psychiatrist upped my lamotrigine up to 50 mg of each dose (I take two a day). So that's 100 mg in an increased amount of medicine, and I think that has helped the most in the short term.  Let's face it, much of my mood issues are a result of brain chemistry. I see him six weeks from our last visit, so late March, and I've already made that appointment with his office (ours are usually telehealth).

I met with my new therapist last Saturday and really liked her.  She was nearly gleeful when she discovered I prefer cognitive or dialectical behavioural therapy and do well with 'homework'. We're going to actually start on anxiety and frustration coping techniques first because when she put me through the same test I'd taken the week before, it came out more anxiety (which is my usual problem), and it all fuels my depression. I see her again today. She has in-person and telehealth visits, but for now, we're meeting in person, as I think that is more helpful at times with a therapist.  For example, when I told her about the test, the DASS-21, she immediately downloaded it and had me take it.

I tried to meet with the counsellor from Able To, a programme through my insurance, but her phone calls wouldn't come through even though I did not have 'Do Not Disturb' on and they were going straight to voicemail. We managed to connect through voicemails and phone tagging to reschedule for next Tuesday. I think it may have something to do with T-Mobile's scam blocker, which is very useful but might have been over-enthusiastic.  Now that she is in my contacts, I'm thinking it won't be an issue.  But I'm going to check and see if I have to do anything to whitelist her number.

As a result the behaviour coach for Thursday didn't happen either.  I think she rescheduled both, although I'm not sure. It just never happened, no notices, no phone calls.  So hopefully that will happen next Thursday.  I want to try to work on the depression angle with the two insurance counsellors.

I bought a Voraiya UV-free 10,000 Lux therapy lamp and it arrived yesterday.  I used it for 10 minutes this morning, and plan to work up over the next week to 30 minutes a day in the morning, assuming I can get out of bed in time.  And it doesn't have to be 30 minutes all at once. Just now I had it off to the side. It's okay apparently to use my ant-glare prescription glasses so I can type, etc.  I have a slight headache, but that apparently becomes less of a problem as time goes by.  It wasn't as pricey as I thought (I think it was only $35 from Amazon.  There is a slight risk with these lamps as far as years of use for macular degeneration, a disease that robs you of some of your eyesight and is usually found in older people.  Both my mom and grandmother had it. I've never had signs, and I'll double-check with my ophthalmologist, but it is caused by exposure to a form of ultraviolet light, and this is supposed to be UV free. So hopefully that's fine.

So for now, I think taking immediate steps has helped.  I got up this morning, ate a banana, drank a glass of water, took my medicine with it, took my insulin, and now I'm going to go to the store for creamer, make my friend's coffee in the percolator (I do that on Saturday, as he is Jewish and observant), and then take a shower and get ready for my therapy appointment at 11 am.  At 1 pm I have an appointment with Tire Discounters for an oil change [my poor car, I knew it was overdue--I've gone 7,000 miles, but upon looking at the sticker, I realised it hasn't been done not in the last year, but in 2021, at least at Tire Discounters (I may have had my mechanic do it, and I have checked my oil and added as needed regularly), tyre rotation, windshield-wiper change (my driver's side is absolutely shredded), and to see if they can raise my driver's window.  The power window fell when I lowered the other night and is totally in the door.  I could cover it against the rain, but my main issue is that I can't lock the car.  I have an ADA (handicapped) placard for general use and a similar hangtag for parking at the University of Kentucky.  I'm afraid they will be taken, I'll get a citation (which is very pricey), and I'll have to have them replaced.  I don't need it fixed just now (it could be the switch, but it could be the motor and either is somewhat pricey, and I'd rather have my regular mechanic do that); I'm just trying to lock the car at this point by raising the window and keeping it closed.  After that, I'm going to try to get my hair trimmed, as it's starting to curl out of a pixie cut and I have an $8 coupon for a haircut.

Okay, I should get dressed and go get the creamer.  I still have to make the coffee (which takes about a half an hour with the percolator), go get the creamer, try to caffeinate, take a shower, and then do this whirlwind of tasks today.  Have a great weekend.

In the past week

 I have:

1. Made an appointment with a local therapist.
2. Had a telehealth appointment with my psychiatrist.
3. Had my meds adjusted by 50 mg twice a day.
4. Entered a telephonic behavioural programme through my insurance that allows for therapy and coaching with two different people each week for seven weeks [the same programme where the screener ran me through the DASS-21, which said I was severely depressed]. I have my appointment on Tuesday evening and the second on Thursday evening.
5. Had an in-person appointment with my new therapist to establish care.
6. Taken the DASS-21 again and came out mild on depression, anxiety, and stress, with anxiety the greatest. (It's just for the past week at a time; because I have Bipolar II, my mood can vary quite a bit from one to another.  In fact, last night I couldn't sleep, and I don't know if it was too much caffeine or swinging towards hypomania).

Having taken steps to deal with my mood issues, I feel better this week.  Also, my boss has been very understanding of how difficult it has been to get up and barely make it under the wire when clocking in or even being slightly late.  She even wrote me an encouraging note.  She lost her husband last year, so I think she gets depression.

The telehealth with my psychiatrist was early in the morning. The therapist is on Saturdays; the telephonic programme calls are in the evening, so they won't impact work that much.  Instead of three months, my doctor will see me in six weeks, and I have that appointment set up.

My goal this week is to get up on time and shower at least every other day.  At one point I was having so much trouble with it that I went six days without one. Let that sink in.

So, considering the week before last I was being given the suicide hotline number and the location of the nearest hospital that could deal with a mental health crisis, I think I'm doing better. I took my first dose of the increased lamotrigine last night (it's also called Lamictal; it's a seizure medicine also used as a mood stabiliser).

Since I came out with a lower depression score and my anxiety fuels a lot of my depression, we're going to start with dealing with frustration and anxiety in local therapy.  She suggested The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund J Bourne as a beginning, and it turns out I already had it, so we're going to start with chapter one.  I told her that I did well with cognitive behaviour therapy and homework, which made her very excited, I think.  She also knew my former therapist (we think he retired or moved), who had helped me with my hoarding issues.

So I think I've started to go in the right direction.

Just checking in

I found this photo of my mom and me from when I was in my 30s.  I'd totally forgotten I had it.  On March 2nd, it will be six years since she died of complications from advanced non-alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver.  We had a very complicated relationship (aren't most adult child/parent ones that way?) Sometimes I miss her, and sometimes I'm angry at her for things I still struggle with.  It's kind of a toss-up.  But right now, I'm missing her.

I'm so glad they found this on an old hard drive

and released it. It was originally supposed to be on Linkin Park's Meteora album, but didn't make the cut.  Now they've released it, including Chester Bennington's vocals, for its 20th anniversary.

Wow

I just purged at least thirty links off my sidebar, especially the sections of librarian and Kentucky blogs.  So many pages gone...either not written on for years, not online anymore, or put behind a privacy screen for invited readers only.  Most just don't exist anymore.  I guess those voices are still going on somewhere, I hope. Maybe blogging is just passé. I don't know.  Like mine, a lot had sort of dwindled down as their owners/authors went on to other things.  Well, I've been writing my thoughts for 21 years now.  I do not want to let it just die away.  So here's to pumping new life into it.  Feel free to keep your links to this blog active. I'm going to do everything I can to rekindle its spirit.

Freaky

I was working on my curriculum vitae and suddenly it started displaying Hebrew when I typed. It was a little freaky. I forgot that I had both Hebrew and Spanish keyboards installed in addition to US English, mainly because I was doing both in Duolingo. Haven't worked on the Hebrew in a while, so I didn't even remember having it.