Oy ve...

It's amazing how you can be cruising along fine, even in the midst of a crisis, and then the littlest things set you off emotionally. Today I got up, went downtown, got some quarters for laundry, gave in the last of my outstanding library books, ate at Subway, watched the Shriners parade, worked out--had a good walk of 15 minutes and cycled 4.5 miles. Then I went to the Farmer's Market and got some fresh corn, tomatoes, eggplant, potatoes, real wild blackberries (yum!) and a pound of Amish hand-churned butter. So far, so good. Then I stopped back by the library to see if I could pay my fine, discovered they'd charged me $30 for not returning an insert to a CD (I couldn't find it at the time, and figured the CD was more important, after all). And, well, emotionally I just fell apart. I guess everything has been building up, and between watching the Shriners run around in their little cars (which I love, by the way, especially when I can watch clowns from a distance), but after all, they're also in a way my bosses, so it brought back the problem of having my hours cut, and spending even what little I did on groceries, and then feeling like I had done a Terrible Thing as a librarian by losing the insert (which mind you, happened because the case was broken when I got it and every time I turned around, a cat was knocking it off the shelf)--well, I felt like a big, fat loser who shouldn't even be a librarian. Also, I'd gone two days without my Paxil, so that probably had a big chunk to do with it. It didn't help that I was crying in a bus depot and I had some guy who was trying to make small talk when, quite frankly, I wanted to be left the hell alone.

So...I called my friends and cancelled my plans with them (no sense in inflicting an emotional ball of goo on your friends, I figure). I went back on the bus and got my Paxil refilled. Now I'm home and I've eaten some bread with the butter and blackberry jam and put some calming music on and, well, I feel a little better. I guess I was putting off my breakdown from all the cutbacks at work off until the weekend. That breakdown lasted only about 20 minutes, but I feel all tired and generally nothing like I usually do when I've gone to the gym. I just feel like curling up in a ball, even though I really need to do laundry and some cleaning. I think I'll eat something with a little more protein, drink some caffeine, and give the Paxil a chance to work before trying to go on with the day. I'm going to post this on both blogs because it's relevant and most of you don't read this one. But I think in the long run, I feel better. Here's to getting some rest today and tackling the world again tomorrow.