It's been a very, very difficult day...

...but I'm hanging in there.

Yesterday afternoon I was called into my boss' office and told that my position was going to be cut to 20 hours, from its current 35. This had nothing to do with my performance--it has to do with the fact that our system lost $3 billion in trust money over the last couple of years and for the first time in 78 years, we've had to lay off people to balance an upcoming budget with no increase in funding and certain uncontrolled costs necessary to run the hospitals. In their defence, they tried to minimise things as much as possible--only seven positions out of over 200 were affected, and of those, two were vacant. Yesterday I was in a state of shock--quiet shock. I didn't cry. I didn't get angry. I didn't shout. I haven't been this stunned since the attacks of 9/11. But my brain shut down and I couldn't think anymore, and Dwana drove me out of the city to her special bridge where I could watch the birds and turtles and feel some amount of joy. She knew just what to do, and I'm grateful. Later, after I came home, I went to bed and stayed there for over 12 hours, then got up to face the day.

At that point I knew others had been affected but no details. Today I went to a town meeting. It turns out that one person was moved from one department to another--changing hours, which will be difficult on her, but at least she has a job. Three people were laid off, including our public relations director. There was no real notice, although they were given a severance package. Just here one day and gone the next. We didn't even get to say goodbye. Since I'm the only librarian in the hospital, everyone knew that my position was affected when the announcements came.

You have to understand that I work for a system that is somewhat anchronistic. It's not only non-profit; it doesn't even bill for patient care at the hospital. For many this has become a haven, a place to practise medicine the way it should be--without a bottom line determining the care. Over the six years I've been here, the one thing that kept me here was that despite low pay, it was an incredibly stable position, and I needed stability in my life whilst trying to get my health--both physical and mental--together. Yesterday that went out the window.

The good thing, of course, is that I do still have a job. I don't go down to the new schedule until September 8th. I may even be able to collect unemployment for the involuntary reduction in hours. I might be able to find a part time job, which combined with this one, could put me in a better position overall. I keep my benefits, and the benefits at my workplace are quite good--full payment for any hospitalisation; hell, having a baby costs a total of $10, and my part of my medical and dental insurance is about $10 a paycheque. I'm not sure most people could say they have as good of a plan. My hours will be 10am-2:30pm, so I should be able to get a part-time job in the evenings, still have time to go to the gym and have a life, etc.

The bad thing is that for the first time I was in a position to start planning for the future. I'd gotten my loans consolidated and was getting my full cheque, finally. I was making enough that in a month or so I could start going to credit counseling to eventually buy a house.

All that's now on hold. If I can get the unemployment, it may not be so bad. At 20 hours I can still pay my rent, if little else. I won't be out on the street, at least. And in the long run this may be good because it may get me to go for a full-time position that can pay what I'm worth. One librarian's already sent me info on a position that hasn't posted yet. All is not lost.

I have to admit--and I told my boss this--I am angry. Angry that for years I was told that I should take lower pay in exchange for the stability of our system. Angry that over time my position has been degraded, even if that was not their intent. First they made the master's 'preferred' rather than 'required'. Then director signatures were required on requisitions. Then I wa no longer needed at manager's meetings--all for good, logical reasons that together ran at counterpoint to the expansion I made in library services. That expansion cannot continue on reduced hours--it will take everything just to maintain service quality. I'm also angry that in some ways I'm in a worse position than the people who were laid off entirely--they can definitely get unemployment and have the severance to fall back on. The fact that I'm working part time may actually hinder me both in seeking unemployment and getting another job--all of which basically suck.

But I am glad, if it must happen, it's happening now, when I can deal better with change. If this had happened last year, I'd be suicidal. All things considered, I'm taking things calmly. And I've had this huge outpouring of support by people at work, of all levels of position. My boss, who had nothing to do with the decision, had the response of 'how can cutting her small salary do any real good'? One of the maintenance men asked the admininstrator in a public meeting (I was there, although I don't think he realised it) if I was going to get a package, too. Later he told me he figured if they were cutting me 38% in hours, I should at least get a portion of what the others got to help me. I'm not sure I agree. After all, I was at least given a month's notice, and it's not like I'm being severed. Still, his heart was in the right place. Everyone keeps expecting me to complain or cry, breakdown, whatever. But I don't feel like that. It won't help to. Instead I'm working on my resume and looking at job sites and contacting the unemployment office. Thank the Gods for all that distress tolerance coaching I got in therapy. :)

And although, yes, I'm disappointed and angry and have all the emotions you'd expect, I'm not angry at any person, per se, just the situation. Those decisions were horrible to make. No one ever has had to be 'let go' from the hospital. I'm not sure most of you can even conceive of that sort of environment. And everyone knows everyone else. I thought the administrator was going to cry during our meeting. One co-worker who works at human resources said she's walking the halls with her heads down, because others are angry, blame them, etc. I'm sort of surprised, but a lot of people seem more upset on my behalf than I am. I don't know if they're scared for their own jobs, but we've been told that thse cuts are for 2004 and there will be no more layoffs, and I do believe them. When we had to reduce the budget for this year, they promised no layoffs for that round of cuts. And they followed through. Even though they're sometimes backwards, I still love the place and what we do. Does that make me a glutton for punishment? But with their economic decisions I may be forced to make my own. I'm looking, but I'm holding off on making any real decisions until I find out about unemployment. I don't want to get a second job only to screw myself over, if it won't pay enough and loses me the benefits I could use.

Still, if you know of a part-time or full-time position in the area, I'm now a librarian for hire...