I just got home around 11 pm from running errands and helping out a couple of friends, only to find a rejection letter in my mailbox for the library assistant position I applied for. Considering the position closed only last Friday and I've already gotten the letter in less than a week, I suspect they already had an internal candidate 'who met the needs of the position' better. And yes, I'm a degreed librarian, so I wasn't sure they would even consider me for the position, even as a part-time second job. But that's why I both e-mailed and left a voicemail for the director, to ask her questions regarding the hours and whether they'd consider someone with a master's in library science, because I didn't want to waste their time or mine, and all I got back was silence, until this very short, concise rejection letter.
I'm beginning to wonder if this time next year, after the hospital becomes an ambulatory care centre, and the library is phased out, if I'll even be able to call myself a librarian, or at least be working in a library. I'm getting pretty darn discouraged, as I apply for job after job without any sort of success. I have had my degree for 23 years, have had my position for 19--I have experience, but not enough supervisory experience, or it's not in the academic or public sector, so it isn't considered. And in those few cases where a medical library position opens up, I suspect they've been snapped up by younger and more recent grads, because the perception is somehow that they're more pliable and dynamic, even though I'm devoted to lifelong learning and have very good tech skills with emerging technologies. I might have better luck if I were to move away from our library school, but beyond liking the town I live in, there's the fact that my family and support system are here, and I include my friends in that, and they rely on me in many ways. And for all the talk of the greying of the profession and how so many Baby Boomers will retire soon, well, it doesn't seem to be helping me. I've never actually worked full-time in a library setting, beyoung internships, and only went full-time (with two different jobs) in my current position six years ago, when I was 43, so I've been underemployed for years, and searching for positions most of that time. As much as I love being a librarian, and the fact that it is something I am very good at, I am beginning to wonder if I should have taken this path, as I've struggled my entire career for stability, often working second or even third jobs, all the while having enough student loans to buy a house with. It's just so frustrating.
It's been a long day in general. I slept very badly last night, and was up for two hours in the middle of the night, and when I did sleep it was with weird dreams of being able to shape and manipulate any sort of rock, gem, sand, concrete, brick, etc.--but not dirt, due to the biomass. I was up by 5:30 or 6 am, and by 6:30 I was at the Kroger gas station getting $25 in gas, followed by an hour-and-a-half trip through the mega Kroger I live near, following a prepared list. The store's so big, and I had to ask several employees for things that weren't stocked yet, or other questions, so I got tired and quit at 8 am so I could run home, drop the things off, and head to work. I finished up a few things tonight at the Chinoe Kroger (which I prefer to go to, as it's easy to get in and out) tonight, after leaving YKWIA's house. I've also paid several bills and done a lot of running around with my friends, taking them on errands, too. I also worked on YKWIA's back, which was bothering him, and we watched and episode of 'Cybil' from years ago.
So now I'm home, I've eaten some bean burritos with cheese, and I'm very, very tired, but the type where you don't readily fall asleep. And yes, I feel bad about the rejection letter. I'm trying not to take it personally, of course, that would be a bit psycho, but at this point I'm wondering if I'm on some sort of list shared by librarians for something I'm not even aware of that prevents me from being hired. I keep trying to have faith that the right position is just waiting and will come along in time to save the day--but it's hard to keep that up for very long. I have 10 months left in my job. I'm starting to feel like maybe it's time to start panicking, and I'm especially afraid of losing my health insurance, especially with our new governor mucking with things like Medicaid and the Affordable Health Care Act provisions. I may have to use COBRA, which is very expensive, and I don't know if I'll be able to. And that's with 6 months of unemployment and (presumably) a severance package. Yeah, the panic's starting to set in.
I guess I should get ready for bed and try to get some sleep. Thank you for reading and 'listening'. I don't want to sound negative, but it's just been a rough day, and I feel better having written a little about it.
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