My therapist

and I discussed the porous boundaries I have between others and myself. Essentially, I've become enmeshed with three people in my life to the point where I begin and end was lost completely...my mother, my ex-husband, and a friend. At least the friend has resisted the enmeshment, but it's still there. There is a reason people used to treat me like one of his appendages rather than a person in my own right. One of the things I'm supposed to work on is building up a better boundary between myself and others. She said that usually she has to work with people to tear down the walls that separate them from others, but in my case, a little bit of a wall would go a long way. I think that may be why I've put on my weight and lived in unlivable situations...because some part of me was desperately trying to create a boundary and have a space all to myself. At the same time, I give of myself so completely that I often feel there's nothing else to give, and that I have no free time to myself, no real place to call my own. I have to stop doing this for sanity's sake, and because frankly, most people don't want to be enmeshed to the degree that I bond (like some sort of sucker fish). :)

So why do I do this? Partly because I'm terrified of taking responsibility for my own thoughts, actions, opinions, etc. Life is so much simpler when you have someone else at the wheel. But it leaves me in a rather pathetic role, and irritates the other, who usually winds up feeling responsible for me. That was certainly how Liz felt before she huffed off out of my life.

It's past new year's, but maybe there's still time for a resolution. I want to take responsibity for my own life and stop leaving it in a heap in someone else's room. It's time to grow up and be myself, with boundaries in place. I am a good person inside, and I have a lot of good qualities. I have a lot of bad ones, too, ones that I need to work on, that aren't anyone else's problems to fix. I think if I do that my self-esteem will also rise and with it, my quality of life, and my friendships will actually be much more healthy.