Unshelved by Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum
comic strip overdue media

Friday, January 13, 2006

Gleaning from spoilers

A friend asked me to find out if the movie 'Brokeback Mountain' has a happy ending, i.e., the two men in the film are together in the end. The answer is no. I won't go into it beyond that, because I don't want to give any details that might detract from your seeing it. There's enough spoilers out there if you're interested.

Nor have I seen it for that matter as of yet.

What I have done is read several reviews and comments on reviews, including assertions that if you aren't a gay man, you really won't truly understand the power of this film.

Poppycock. We all bring to a film viewing our own perceptions and past. Not every gay man is going to approach the film the same as any other, and I'm sure there are plenty of people who are neither gay nor male who will 'get' the story, although as always, through their own lenses.

But the reason I'm writing is that I know that my experiences will surely colour my perception of the film when I see it. You see, I'll approach it from the angle of someone who married a gay man, who saw the struggles he had, who lived with a lie out of desperation, who finally saw no future and left the relationship. So there are at least two characters in the movie that I'll identify with right away--and they're the women in the movie. On the other hand, my closest male friends are also gay, so I have a lot of positive experiences and consider myself very pro-gay. I've spent my entire adult life in close proximity to gay men, and so I think I 'get' a lot about them, and can even identify with them in terms of the movie.

On the other hand, I'm bisexual myself. I don't talk about it much because, frankly, it's not a driving part of my life as I'm not in a relationship of any sort. I haven't been with anyone of either sex in nearly twelve years. But one thing I know is that most people just shake their head and don't 'get' bisexuality. Straight people tend to think you're just weird, and gay people tend to think you're gay and can't make up your mind. When I am sexual--and I don't have a strong sex drive, at least I haven't for some time--I'm attracted to women slightly more than to men, but I definitely am attracted to both, and I actually prefer sex with men slightly over that of women. So I'm near the middle of the Kinsey scale (I think it runs 0 to 6, with 6 being exclusively gay and 0 being exclusively straight, with 3 dead centre in the middle. I'm probably a 4.) For those of you who know me but never imagined me in that context, it might be a shock, although I haven't tried to hide my sexuality; I just haven't had dates to the company Christmas parties or brought anyone home to meet my family, so it hasn't really 'come up' unless I mention it for some reason. I'm not sure I've ever explained this explicitly on this blog, although I have keywords set up and sometimes have mentioned it in passing. But I guess looking at those reviews made me think of my own sexuality, my own fears of rejection, and made me think that it was time to discuss it here. For me, though, my fears of being in an intimate relationship with anyone, of either sex, are more damning than any of my fears related to being bisexual. That's something I'm working on through therapy. There are very few people I trust completely, and they are friends with whom there is no sexual component. It would be very difficult (and frankly unfair to anyone) for me to be in a romantic relationship as of now, because I'm not ready, and I'm not sure if I ever will be. That lack of trust is deep-seated from childhood due to betrayal of trust and sexual abuse. I don't know if I'll ever be 'fixed' per se, but I keep muddling along in an attempt to get better. But like I said, it affects me far more than the fact that I have feelings for either sex. But then I tend to be attracted by the person, rather than the gender; I don't know any other way to describe it.

Anyway, that's all for now, I've got to go. I would like to see the movie, although I'll probably wait for the DVD. I'd be interested in what you all think of it, so feel free to leave comments. Bye for now.

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