Life sucks this week

Yesterday I had a very unpleasant look at a situation of my own making, which is demonstrative of virtually every other problem I cause in my life. I truly realised that I would be losing the game until I can put together fifteen years of notes that at times are bare bones at best. I told myself all that time I was taking good notes (and recently they have been on par with what they need to be) but for most of those years I also doodled when I should have been writing. I told myself I was taking notes for my own benefit, but I'd been the de facto note taker for the game from the beginning. So I lied to myself and I lied to the game master as a result, and now I'm being made to live that lie out as if it were the truth. Like always, I put things off until it has become a crisis, mainly because it is a daunting task that I really don't want to do (which seems to be passive-agressive). I was given a year to do them (starting in January) and didn't start until August, and even then, it's been difficult to consistently work on them with my work schedule, and I've found it hard to work around that well, even though there must be ways. If I'd been trying hard throughout the year, the game master would have granted me an extension, but I didn't even think of this until he brought it up. I just let myself feel paralysed every time I thought of doing them, and then shunted them away for later.

I knew in theory that if I didn't complete this by December 31st, I wouldn't be able to play in the game. But the reality of it really didn't hit me, truly, until recently. For one, I didn't realise that I'd still expected to come over to prepare for the game and also be coming over to put the notes in the computer from that day, so every week there will be a tangible sense of being left out. Even if I do stay and work on the notes in another room, I can't participate, or socialise with my friends. The game is my main social outlet. I hadn't really realised how cut off I'd be from everyone else, or how much it would hurt. Last night I totally broke down, and even now it just hurts almost as much as putting down Darius.

So now I've screwed myself, and the only thing I can do is trudge on and hope that someday I'll be able to present fifteen years' worth of good notes and be allowed to return to the game. But that may be years at the rate I'm going. We've had 68 missions in 15 years, each of those multiple game sessions, and I'm averaging two game sessions a night, maybe three nights a week. I need to start coming over and working for an hour or so after I get off from work at the gas station, too. Between the new hours at the hospital, the gas station, the notes, and the impending return of my indentured servitude (long story--something that also sprang from my 'getting my way' and not backing down when I was wrong), I just don't know how I'm going to make it. My friend insists that I'm lazy and not living up to my potential, and that I just need to do my best. I'm not sure I can do that; after all, I have years of coasting behind me. But the game is important to me, more important than I even realised, so I hope at some point I can come back. But now, today, I'm miserable--and it's misery of my own making.