Happy Friday

I was off work today because I needed to get the car towed and a used tyre put on. I happily succeeded, with the tow running $25 and the tyre and balancing at $23. So, I got off relatively cheaply. My hope is that in two or three weeks I can get used tyres put on the spare and the back driver side. At the moment I'm running without a spare, which is not good, I realise. It would have saved me the tow if I'd gone ahead and gotten one this past week, although with all I was doing, I'm not sure when I would have the time.

I checked on all my bills and they're in order, and next week both paycheques will be mostly rent. I should start getting more hours at the hospital soon; the woman for whom I'll be covering is due to have her baby in a couple of weeks at the latest. We've gone over what steps I'll need to do and she's written everything out, so hopefully I'll do fine. It'll be 12 more hours a week, which is more than half again as much as I get now. I'm hoping I'll be caught up my rent with that plus be able to start paying some back debts. Alas, it'll only be for 12 weeks, but I hope to make that count.

Generally, my life is going pretty well. I mean, yes, there are glitches. The tyre for instance, or the fact that early next week I'm going to have to put my cat down. But all in all, things are pretty non-dramatic. What I'm frustrated with is my utter lack of intelligence around the one person who means the most to me. I say the stupidest things, over and over, without giving any thought to them. I apparently do this for negative attention, because he's male and that's how I interacted with my father. We know this from several talks on the subject. And some of it is also that I feel stupid by comparison (he's probably got an IQ around 200, with a trained memory and an extremely logical mind, which is damn annoying when you've got an IQ in the 140s, have a memory like a sieve, and very fuzzy, emotionally charged thinking). (Can you think emotionally? Well, you hopefully get what I'm talking about). Thing is, I'm used to being the smart one; it's a good bit of my self-esteem, and most people think of me that way, but around him I'm substandard and mentally lazy. I don't pull the stupid act with other people, just him. It's like everytime I open my mouth, my mind checks on the absolute worst thing to say and tells my mouth to say it. Plus, I tend to speak very indefinitely (probably, maybe, etc.) or make universal statements that can be easily challenged. It doesn't help that they are scrutinised until I have to admit I was wrong, and then I get mad for having my words put under a microscope.

I so want to change. I want to live up to my potential. I don't want to be stupid, or be so afraid of being wrong that I either do something stupid or lie about it, making me even more wrong. But for whatever reason, I keep doing it, indicating that I really don't want to change. Unfortunately it has become second nature. I don't really know how to reverse that other than to do it, or at least work hard on it.

Any suggestions?