Let's try that again

: 'Building a Mystery' by Sarah MacLachlan
: Breathe. In. Out. :)

Actually, it's been that sort of day. Well, really, it was a day with good outcomes, but it's just been kind of disturbing and nerve-wracking. It started with this horrible dream where I'd dreamt I'd killed a man, my half-brother Creon (yes, points to those of you who recognise the classical reference from Greek tragedy; this is what happens when classics majors dream), rendered his body down into a liquid which was then mixed with clay and formed into an artefact, a masque. I then spent most of the dream trying to prevent the one person whom I knew would know in an instant what I had done, being depressed, shuttling between two apartments, looking for work, dealing with unemployment, avoiding the Furies (who punish those who spill the blood of family members) and generally being psychotic.

I woke up thinking I was getting an early start but took a long bath and when I got out discovered I only had 15 minutes to get to work. Did that, but had to immediately go into a benefits meeting (not fun), followed by a fire-extinguisher inservice (fun; we got to squirt water at things). The whole time I felt like one big ball of jangled nerves, very jittery. I hadn't eaten yet, and it occurred to me that the last time I took my Paxil was Saturday. Bingo. I was in one of those panic attacks where you can function but you feel like you're just going to have a heart attack any moment. Also, that could account for psycho dreams. So, I phoned in my refill and grabbed that before heading on my adventure to the new courthouse.

Court is always an adventure. One, you have to go through a metal detector. Since I had just started my period (another reason for jangled nerves), I'd picked up some pads and some thermal patches at the pharmacy. I decided that the iron filings in the pads could cause an embarrassment at the metal detector. So, I tucked one in with a pad and in turn slipped that into my billfold, which had been stripped down to the bare necessities--car key, money, ID, comb, garage ticket, and receipts. Everything else stayed in the car.

This was my first time at the new courthouse. The room was larger. The pews (that's the best way to describe them) were a little uncomfortable but you could walk in front of people who were seated without trouble, which was nice. Arraignment circuit court sessions go like this: anyone with a lawyer goes first, then anyone in jail via closed-circuit TV, then everybody else. I'm convinced this is to give those of us who are up on misdemeanors a chance to sit through all the stuff people who do more serious crimes go through so we don't go on to become felons. :) So it took about an hour to go through the more serious cases. I had not seen this judge before; it was interesting to compare the differences in how the courtroom procedures work depending on the judge. For one, I noticed prisoners were much less likely to give the male judge the lip. I really enjoyed the people skills of the female judge I've seen before, and she was always firmly in control, but she would occasionally have to stop things and explain to someone not to try to talk over the judge, not to call the person with the protective order from jail, etc. In the old courthouse there was less room and we had to move to another courtroom entirely if a session went over. This judge was very no-nonsense, although patient with those who did not understand things well and careful to explain any charges. The lawyers were quicker, too. I guess maybe they change their manner depending on what the judge prefers. And instead of having us all get in a line by alphabetical order, this judge went down the list a few of us at a time. Anyway, things fairly flew by compared to what I've experienced before. Also, apparently having a different prosecutor makes a big difference too. Let me explain.

The first time I had to go to circuit court--a couple of years ago--I had recently moved and apparently there had been a cheque that was returned. [My credit union has some good points, but a bad one is that if there are insufficient funds, the cheque is returned unpaid, as opposed to many banks, where they'll charge you a fee but pay the draft. The credit union still charges, but doesn't pay it. Although I had occasionally had a cheque bounce with banks, I never had them thud until I started banking with the credit union. I probably should change. For now, though, I just don't write cheques :)] Anyway, I didn't know about the return. I thought something else hadn't gone through and was referred to to the county attorney's office and found that no, what I was checking on wasn't an issue, but I had an older cheque which needed paying. I went down and paid it, and was handed a receipt and then sent to the sherriff's office. I went there, thinking I had to verify the payment, when actually they needed to serve the summons to me, since they'd been unable to serve it after the move. So, I went to court. Because it was my first offence, I was eligible for diversion, which allows you to pay $80, do 60 hours of community service, and my record would be expunged. So I did all that, putting in the hours of work and paying a total of about $140 for what had been a cheque for a dog wash at the pet store, feeling like a total failure.

Keep in mind that at the time I was dealing with a lot of anxiety issues and so despite good intentions, I landed back in the same situation shortly afterwards. I don't mean this as an excuse--I'm responsible for it, and it was stupid, but it'll make more sense to know I was in the midst of what I call my 'breakdown'--meaning I was suicidal, labile, dealing with a lot of unresolved issues, and operating from a borderline perspective. The coping skills that I'd learnt as a child failed entirely. I nearly lost the most important friendship I've ever had then. Two days before 9/11 I was given an ultimatum to seek counseling or end the relationship. Add the uncertainty in the aftermath of the terror attacks--which didn't affect me directly but at the time I think it seemed like the world was ending, and I wrote a cheque for groceries that that hit the account before my deposit, and I wasn't able to pay it off in time.

So, it was back to court. I did pay the cheque and fees before going to court, but then paid the fine and court costs and, I'm sad to say, have a criminal record. In the meantime, I did get the counseling I needed, was treated for the depression and anxiety and for the physical illnesses which had helped trigger it, and generally have managed to recover. I use my debit card and cash now, and keep a record of my spending on my handheld, and that seems to work better. Unfortunately, in that rebuilding process I still managed to have three unpaid cheques from earlier this year go to the point of summons. With the state my finances have been in both before and after the layoff, I was just lucky to not be evicted. So, when I took out the money from my retirement and my mom helped me out, I paid my rent and the cheques, but had to go to court today. I noticed diversion was offered mainly for other things, like littering or a minor moving violation. Those of us in for cheques--whether first offence or not--were asked if we'd paid them off and then asked to show proof, and the county was willing to dismiss with proof. So, even though there were more cheques, for a larger amount than before, I didn't have to pay court costs, fines, and it won't be anything additional on my record. In all, it was like having a tail light out, where you just show you've fixed it and they're happy. I was free to go, when I'd been afraid I'd be paying another $50-100 in fines per cheque plus court costs. Which should make me happy, and really, it does, it just makes me wonder what would have happened the first couple of times if I'd had this judge/prosecutor instead. But that's a game of what-if that doesn't change anything. All in all, I learnt quite a bit about law and order today. Eventually I can get that one count off my record--it only stays on for so long, and hopefully I can keep my nose clean from now on. And unlike that first time, I know that I'm not a bad person, although I have to be very careful about spending money for emotional or desperate reasons (not surprisingly, every one of the latest drafts were for food). Now that I'm caught up with the necessities, hopefully I can keep it that way.

Oh, and incidentally, if you're reading this and thinking, my God, this girl has no sense of fiscal responsibility--I'm very good at finances at work, because it's all budgeted, there are few surprises, and it's purely logical. My counselor once told me the majority of my anxiety and other problems came from the fact that I wasn't getting paid enough to live on. Of course, she also told me most women wind up in prison for killing husbands or unpaid cheques. :) I've never been extravagant; I'm one of those people who nickel-and-dime myself to death. And once you get behind, it's so hard to get back out, with late fees, etc. eating up any potential surplus. Right now, even with the librarian position, teaching asssistant, and unemployment, I'm making less than twice my rent. But, hey, that just makes life more challenging. And if I can get a librarian position that pays the actual going rate in this area, I'd be making about three and a half times my rent. Here's hoping. Is there an emoticon for crossed fingers?

:1L