: 'Here Without You' by 3 Doors Down; 'So Far Away' by Staind
: A little depressed
Ever feel like a hamster in a wheel, running and running but not going anywhere? That's how I felt today. Part of it is that no matter what I do, I seem to have some issue come up; it's like cooking on lots of burners at once. I used to go from crisis to crisis as a means of avoiding the real hurting in my life. I've been over that for awhile, but now I'm being thrown curveballs that generally are not of my making. I managed not to get evicted, now I have some fairly serious stuff coming up (court, actually, for some unpaid bills that are my fault--200 years ago I would have no doubt wound up in debtor's prison or been sent off to the colonies, wound up begging from my neighbours and then hanged as a witch) and I still haven't received my retirement money and I have to go down to the unemployment office to set the latest snafu straight (they couldn't do it over the phone for some inexplicable reason...I mean the original request was put in through the phone, right? And the error was the result of automated script cycling, so a real person over the phone should be okay. Sigh. Nevermind that since I haven't actually gotten paid at the new job yet but I've had to report my income as I've worked, I'm getting less from UI and haven't got anything to show for it. And I've pissed a boss off a bit because I thought Wednesdays would work out and they haven't, and it's been kind of difficult to figure out just when is good, and I guess I thought the schedule was more flexible than it really is, so I've had to reschedule often enough to cause frustration and have to stick with a more regular time frame to be in the office. It looks like Mondays are the way to go--but I can't get a ride over there, and the buses have been, well, less than reliable lately. I have court coming up on the 19th and if I do get to go to school next semester, Wednesdays will be the main class day. And I'm a little afraid of going back to school and not being able to cope, having fallen off the bike a couple of years ago and not being sure I can just hop back on, so to speak--even though logically I know that I'm extremely capable and am in a better position now than before I took off to take care of my health. This on top of going back home to get some laundry, etc. done on the game day earlier this week when it looked like we couldn't get together, only to find out we could have played after all, thereby being a party pooper. And with the rain and ick outside I overslept and was late for work today (although at least that's offset by working later yesterday). And I have to go to a mandatory fire extinguisher inservice that is only offered during my shift on the aforementioned 19th, so I'll have to come in at some other time I'm not usually supposed to be there so that I can have hands-on experience pulling a pin and sweeping.
Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.
How is it that I'm working less, for less money, and yet I seem busier? I haven't managed to go to the gym in awhile. I've got a prescription for stuff to help my stomach but I haven't been able to fill it yet because the UI cheque was short, and I'm beginning to wonder if any of it's worth it. I'm starting to feel like one big ball of stress and I don't want to be like that, because then I get to a point where simple stuff that normally comes quite naturally becomes a really big effort. I don't want to let people down but I don't want to the point I'm running and running and not being able to take care of myself.
Good things: I have food in the house. I at least have a job (two, actually), even if I'm not exactly scraping by well. I have people who love me and whom I love. Two more library positions have opened up, so maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And I know that I have every reason to sink into depression--there have been plenty of triggers lately, and I'm doing what I can to prevent that. I know the end all and be all of my life isn't financial. It's just the sucky part of it, right now. A therapist once told me my main stress and the problems surrounding it seemed to stem from the fact that I wasn't being paid enough to really make a living. Now I'm making even less. :) I'm sort of making half a living, and I don't particularly like having a half-life.
But damn, it's tiring. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back and go, well, it was a sucky time of my life, but it made me stronger. That's how I feel about the last...oh, gee, 15 years, really. Well, maybe more than that. Actually, I think the year I was 8 (1975) was the only point I really remember fondly. That's a little sad.
I just wish I could get to that point now. A point where I have a little more security and could focus more on building relationships or exploring or spiritual growth rather than where the next meal will be or whether I'll be out on the street soon. That's the security point I need--nothing fancy, just a place to live, a reliable way to get around, a job I like and that pays me what I'm worth, and a sense of making the world a little better for everyone else. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for listening to the rant. I try not to do it too much, even if this is a sort of personal journal, amongst other things. Well, it's getting late, I've had my cry, and I don't want to be late tomorrow, too. And although I never thought I'd say this...since I always wanted to strangle Scarlett...'tomorrow is another day'. Maybe, especially if the sun is shining, tomorrow will be better. Or at least maybe not worse.
'Night.
No comments:
Post a Comment