when you call yourself crazy. I admit it. I talk about it a lot here, although I sometimes worry that people will think I'm really off the deep end when I'm not. I just have issues. I don't even mind close friends calling me crazy. They've earned that right, putting up with me all these years.
But it's another thing when someone else does it, especially if that someone is abrasive and treated you like dirt, who has lots of issues on her own that she refuses to seek counseling for, but keeps up the illusion that she's sane and generally has it together. That's not so fun or amusing.
Granted, it wasn't stated outright, but my being 'the crazy librarian' seems the most likely meaning given the context and our past together...and that's more than a tad annoying.
I used to say that I don't keep grudges. That's wrong. As a rule, when someone treats me badly, I usually forget just how badly and still keep coming back for more. But in this situation there was never any closure, because the person let out a bunch of venom on a blog--triggered by something inconsequential--and then avoided any direct confrontation that might have brought such closure. It was an incredibly passive-agressive thing to do, and I have to admit, I still haven't forgiven it, nor do I expect to, because that would involve the person actually talking to me face to face, and that's not going to happen, because she won't do that. I let what shreds of friendship remain fall away a long time ago, and finally saw it for what it was--my being a doormat at her beck and call whenever she wanted to feel better about herself.
But I have to admit, I still haven't dropped all contact...I still read her blog. I wonder if her new friends see the side of her I got, or if she has them all fooled. I admit to being a tad bit jealous that for awhile it seemed that we had opposite lives; I struggled to find a job, she lucked right in to one, she bought a house, I got evicted because I'd been laid off; my cat died, she got a new one. Little things where you wander what you did in a past life that seems to have messed up your own karma and yet another person just seems to luck into things. Granted, she's more materialistic than I am, so she's also willing to work harder to get the things she wants, whereas I've mostly struggled with gaining in less tangiable areas. But it's still a little weird how things have worked out, you know?
I know this sounds a little bitchy and 'why me?' I know I'm responsible for where I am in life...and in some ways my life is much richer than those I might compare myself to. I hope to make it better, and in ways that truly matter, and I suppose I should stop comparing myself at all to others, because it's not like any individual can be a true benchmark for comparison. We're all unique, all have our own paths, I suppose. But I think it's only human to do a little comparing, have a little envy, or just wish for a little better. Right?
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