Unshelved by Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum
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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I'm keeping a paper journal

in addition to this blog, to deal with those issues I'd rather not broadcast to the world. I mean, really, I write about a lot of personal stuff here, but there are some things only close friends and therapists need know.

It's interesting to have a book that only I will read. It gives me a measure of security. And one thing I've already learnt from putting things into words is that maybe I'm not really that crazy after all. Oh, I have faults aplenty, but I think part of the problem is I'm comparing myself not to a normal standard, but to a nearly impossible one that doesn't fare well in terms of interpersonal relations. But I do need to develop my own standard by which to live--and still aspire to a high one without being so hard on myself that I'm inflicting pain. I want to be happy with myself. I can't do that by moulding myself into something I'm not. I can still develop and grow, but not at the expense of the things that are good about me.

I don't know if any of that will make sense to you all. I hope so. But the good thing is I have two outlets--one private, one public--to work all this out with. I'll try not to burden this blog with too much jousting at my own inner daemons. That is what therapy is for. Hopefully you'll see the results more than the process. But I thank those of you who have listened over the years, too.

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