Home now

We decided to record 'Grimm' and watch it tomorrow, as they were tired and were all comfy in bed. I came on home. It's supposed to get really cold tonight; my apartment leasing office actually put up a notice on our building door for tips to prevent the pipes from freezing. At least all of our plumbing is on interior walls, so that helps. Which makes me wonder if I left my friends' kitchen faucet dripping when I got some water. I'll call them a little later and remind them to check.

I'm listening to the radio now. Ed Sheeran's 'Thinking Out Loud' is playing. I'm a little tired, a little sleepy, but not as bad as I have been on and off this week. I did a little cleaning up when I got home, and the house doesn't seem quite so bad now. Tomorrow I'm running by the pharmacy, taking a friend to the credit union, taking them shopping for sheets, taking one to the grocery, and then to their Valentine's celebration. So tomorrow will be busy. Our hiatus with the game was slated to end Sunday, but Brenda's got an ill member of her family who needs her to stay home with him until he's back on his feet, so it may be next week. I still have a passage to transcribe from awhile back, but the actual game notes were finished weeks ago. So I'll try to finish that. Also this weekend I hope to get my taxes done. I put my info through an estimator and I'm not getting much back at all this year from the federal and I usually get almost nothing from the state, usually about $25 or so, which is why I usually just donate it to one of the causes you can choose. We'll see. I may wind up doing them on my phone with the Internet down at home; it's probably more secure than going on the library's Wi-Fi network. I wonder if the library is open on Presidents' Day. We've only had that holiday off since last year, so I'm still not used to a February three-day weekend. But it would be nice to go over there and do some blogging. Or I could go to our laundry room, which has a Wi-Fi password hung up on the wall, a couple of chairs, and a small table. :)

I think I may do some reading. I've got several books out from the library, both paper books and e-books. I'd like to get them read. Good night for now.

I'm sorry I haven't updated much lately

I'm still without Internet at home, although I can get on with my hotspot, and I've only used about a fifth of my allotment in three weeks. But a lot has been happening lately, and I've come home just too tired to blog. But I have a three-day weekend and I'm hoping to get some writing in. Also, for now, I'm over at my friends' house waiting for 'Grimm' to come on while they're taking a nap. Since this is my computer (I've let my friend borrow it, as his needs a new power supply), all my settings are on my login, so I just went ahead and switched users and am using his Internet to get online.

So several things have come to mind over the last few days, things I've meant to blog about, but haven't. Here's the most serious:

There comes a time when, if we are lucky to live long enough, our own ageing and eventual mortality raises its ugly head. Perhaps it is dealing with the impending or actual death of a parent, or of a close friend, or perhaps even a diagnosis that is going to mean our own death within what suddenly seems a short time.

I will be turning fifty next year, the milestone so many dread, and to which I normally reply, ‘Well, it’s better than the alternative.’ When I turn fifty, I’ll have been at my current job for twenty years, and (unless I find something else soon) will be laid off the very month that I have my birthday. I’m feeling like an old fogey, and for the first time, I’m really afraid of age discrimination in the job market, and that as a solo medical librarian, I have harmed my job prospects because I don’t have the supervisory experience expected in most jobs looking for the length of career that I do possess. This despite the fact that I learn quickly, am great with technology, am very good with interacting with other people from all walks of life and am very flexible in terms of jobs I can do and my willingness to step in and help the team work out an issue. In the past few years, I have taken on another job in revenue cycle that has had me working with clinicians I never had much contact with before. I’ve helped out during temporary absences with things like foot pressure studies and patient scheduling, learning new systems and skills. It’s shown that I can do just about anything I set my mind to. But in the end, it may not matter, as the hospital is moving to an ambulatory care centre model, and there simply is no room for a library, librarian, or even the bulk of my charge entry job, as we will not be able to charge for outpatient facility fees. So I’m in a sort of limbo, looking for another job, at nearly fifty, after devoting most of my adult life to my organisation.

But adding to the uncertainty are issues of my own health and that of people close to me. Will my own health, which is not great, but which is managed, hold out until retirement? Will I lose people I love before I’m ready to let go? Am I up to the challenge of being a caregiver beyond what I have done for years? Will there be anyone left to take care of me, given that I have no children and a very small network of loved ones? These are all questions on my mind. For right now, I don’t have answers. Time will have to provide them. But it is all very unsettling. For now, though, while it is on my mind, the focus must be in living, in being with those I may lose, in doing what I can to help my own health. It is all any of us can do when faced with the march of time. In the end, it is how we live our allotment that matters.

Much less serious:

It's amazing how much attention you can garner while eating a pomelo.

I'd seen pomelos at Kroger and I have never had one and was intrigued. Sure they look like giant grapefruit, but I wanted to know how they tasted. But at $3.99 each, I wasn't going to try. Then I saw one in a little bag for 99 cents in the bargain bin, and bought it and took it home. Yesterday I took it to work with me, and was immediately bombarded at the lunch table by 'what is that?' and 'is that a grapefruit?' But it didn't stop there. Two people called out the same questions from a table, and another came over and asked me, too. I cut it in half, and that one half filled me up. It was actually quite sweet, not the tangy bitter grapefruit taste at all. I asked the staff in the cafeteria to wrap up the other half for me, and they were all curious about it, too.

It was quite an experience.

Back to serious:

It annoys me that icons like Gloria Steinem and Madeleine Albright seem to think that female supporters of Bernie Sanders can't be proper feminists or are somehow betraying their own kind because they do not believe that they should vote for Hillary Clinton simply on the basis of her gender. While I would like to see a woman as president, it's not my only criterion. Instead, I vote according to whom I think will do the best job leading the country and who stands for the things I believe in. For me, that is Bernie Sanders. I'm not saying I would not vote for Clinton should she be the Democratic nominee. But I seriously dislike her. Not as much as Donald Trump, mind you. But unlike Bernie Sanders, she says things based on politics rather than being consistent about her beliefs and assertions. I am tired of Washington insiders. Yes, Bernie has been a senator for a long time, but he's not in the pocket of big money, he's a maverick, and he's consistently been one for a long time, too. The only thing he might be weak on is foreign policy, and I'm sure he's smart enough to surround himself with the best people for that. Can he get things past Congress? I don't know. But I'd like to see him try. Also, I have trouble with the e-mail thing with Clinton. Seriously? I can't use my personal e-mail for my work, and I'm in a non-profit with no real secrets. But seriously, as Secretary of State? Granted, others apparently did not use encrypted government e-mail, either, but you know, that's dumb on all their parts, or at least dumb on their staffers' parts. I know people of Clinton's generation are not necessarily as tech-savvy as your average 20-year-old these days, but really? It's just dumb. How are you supposed to have any idea of national security if you can't grok that?

Despite the fact that many feminists have given feminism a bad name over the years, I consider myself a feminist. I do not support Hillary Clinton, true. I'd like to see a woman in office, but I do not want to see her in office, necessarily. The nice Jewish man from Vermont, old as he is, socialist as he is, even with his unfortunate choice of democratic socialist as description (if you don't understand while that's unfortunate, try reading some European history), is my choice. I have a Sanders bumper sticker on my car--the first time I've ever put a political statement on one of my cars. I'll definitely be voting for him in the primary. And Gloria Steinem and Madeleine Albright and the rest of those indignant feminists who think I'm betraying women can kiss my ass, because I have a mind of my own and I don't care what they think.

Fire monkeys and Mardi Gras

Lunar new year was Monday; yesterday was Mardi Gras. Hope both found you all well.  This is the year of the monkey,  especially the fire monkey.  Let's hope that the monkey brings us luck.

I don't know much about Chinese astrology (and so much online is absolute bunk,  I'm sure). But I do know I am a fire sheep/goat, which is interesting,  because I'm also an Aries,  the ram, which is a sign ruled by fire. So I've got a double helping,  so to speak.

The last two nights I uncharacteristically played Civilization IV rather than blogging.  Tonight it was dinner (two eggs and peanut butter with bread), which I am finished with and am now thinking of going to bed.  Good night.  I really will try to think of something important to write about tomorrow.  :)

These are amazing...

YKWIA found these, and others of Alex Boyé's work, and we watched them together, in between several episodes of 'Ugly Betty'. It was a nice day. Next week the game resumes, even though it'll be Valentine's Day, and I'm looking forward to that. So today, although I cleaned house over there and did my laundry, was about relaxing in front of the screen and watching fun things. :) Hope you had a good weekend, too.

The last two days

I've gotten home late.  Yesterday it was about 1:30 am,  and then I was up till 3:30. Tonight it was about 11:30. But that's okay.  Usually I stress about all the things I should be doing; in reality we're on borrowed time in this life.  Sometimes the things others might think are a waste are actually more important,  like spending time with loved ones,  and I did that today.  Oh,  I still need to find a balance in all this and take care of my own home, etc.  But sometimes you just need to talk some things out, spend time together,  and screw everything else.

Our song

Okay

I said I’d write more later while I was blogging from my phone in the middle of last night. Here’s the thing:

I saw my psychologist on Tuesday, and as we talked, I explained that although some things have come up that are stressors, physically I am doing much better about taking care of myself, such as taking my medicine and checking my blood sugars, and I’m trying to spend a little more time doing self-care and find a balance between work, my friends’ needs, and my own. I off-handedly mentioned that in addition to sending my endocrinologist my blood sugar values and medicine doses each week, I’d flipped the page over and taken last week and written down everything I’d eaten. I’ve tried to do that using phone applications, and I do really well for breakfast and lunch, especially on weekdays, but then slack off after work. Well, writing things down by hand seemed somehow to make things more ‘real’, and I didn’t let up on my resolve to get everything in. And what stared back at me in cold, hard truth, is that I binge eat at night, something I knew, but desperately tried to ignore or deny to myself, and something I’ve never really talked to anyone about, but I know my best friend knows, and occasionally he’ll make allusions to it. But I don’t remember ever really talking openly to him about it. And it is worse the ‘better’ I am at keeping track or limiting things during the day. It’s like I keep it together all day and then have a calorie blowout, several times a week, almost always at night.

My counselor gave me one of those Health Monitor booklets on binge-eating to go through. It gives the symptoms, treatments, and stories of people who overcame it. I was embarrassed, but I took it. I didn’t actually read it until the next day, when I had some quiet time. Since dieting seemed to make it worse, but many people who binge eat do need to lose weight, I was interested in how I should go about doing it. So what does a librarian do when faced with something like this? Of course, she looks for books. I remembered taking a class years ago through work with a book called You Count, Calories Don’t. I still have that. I also found a couple of books at the library that sounded promising, one on intuitive eating (mindfully paying attention to hunger and eating for sustenance and to ease hunger, rather than mindless eating), and I also saw one on binge-eating. There were also a couple of e-books that looked good, and I put holds on them. But there was one I could get through the library called The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl, (which was the result of a blog by that name) and that one I downloaded, and I began to read. The author, Shauna Reid, is Australian, growing up in a rural area on farm. But there were a lot of similarities in terms of our family life, our relationship with food, and so on. I only read the first couple of chapters that gave the background to the problem. The rest is about her quest to find the person who had been eclipsed by all that weight (she weighed even more than I do). I’m still reading. But it was like a giant lump rose in my throat after reading what I had. I can’t say it was truly an epiphany; it’s not like I didn’t know I overate. But just how much of my psyche was damaged with food as my main source of easing my issues hadn’t really sunk in. Now it did, and it took me aback.

So that evening I went to the Tates Creek library and checked out the two physical books that looked good, and then I went over and picked up A so we could try to work out at my complex gym (a tale in and of itself, and a humourous one at that, but I won’t go into it quite yet). Afterwards, we went by the store and he ran in and got a few groceries they needed. On the way to his house, I told him about my bingeing. Now, A is in a programme himself to deal with some of his issues, and the first thing he said after I confessed it was, ‘it’s good that you’re talking about it; that’s how to get through things that concern us.’ Basically, I was taking a first step to recovery, if you want to call it that.

So tonight I plan to do some reading. But also, today, I’ve tried to be mindful in my food choices. Nothing’s been forbidden per se, but I have mostly made healthier choices, and yet I didn’t feel like I was depriving myself of anything. All in all, I ate less than normal. And at lunch I saved a couple of items completely and ate them later in the day because my eyes were bigger than my stomach, so to speak—even though I had a late breakfast due to an appointment with my podiatrist, I got stuff that sounded good, but then, when I was full—and I was paying close attention to it—I simply stopped eating, and then took my food and asked one of the cafeteria workers to wrap it for me. I ate a side dish as a snack later in the day, and then ate the rest of the main dish right before I left work and went to physical therapy. So that was good. And then after PT tonight I ran by the store to get YKWIA milk, and did a little grocery shopping, and I did buy one sweet thing (pumpkin and chocolate chip cookies). Everything else was healthy. While I gave myself permission to eat the cookies even though they’re sweet and fattening, I only ate two, because 1) I’d become full after my dinner and 2) I felt okay just eating the two, not like I had to eat a whole box for some reason. Fortunately it’s also payday; the lower my food gets in the house, the more I actually eat, out of panic, rather than rationing, which is what most people would do. So that’s where I am right now, pleasantly full on two (not three) small burritos, some fruit, and two cookies, as opposed to last night, where I had a box of macaroni and cheese (that’s three servings), a can of vegetarian chili, a can of lima beans, two veggie burgers with cheese, and the Kroger version of Nutella, right out of the jar. It was crazy—and that was after being told about the eating disorder and recognising that I have it. It’s actually been worse before.

Treatment normally consists of cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy (which I’ve undergone before, and still have the manual to fall back on and practice with), as well as other forms of therapy with a mental health professional. Also, there is one medicine that has been approved for it, but I’m not sure it would be good for me to be on it. On the one hand, it is also used for ADHD, which I have, but in people who are bipolar or depressed, it can make symptoms worse, including suicidal ideation. It’s also a controlled substance, being a type of amphetamine, meaning that to be on it, you have to pee in a cup every month, or at least that’s what someone I know does to keep his Adderall prescription going.

So that’s my story. In order to be healthy, I need to not focus on losing weight, but rather take a look at my relationship with food (and exercise) and come up with a plan for weight loss based not on the calories, or the scale, or the like, but rather being mindful, reducing distractions, and making better choices both in food and activity. The last time I lost a significant amount of weight, I wasn’t really trying, but I think I did those things, until I got stressed and fell back into old habits. So here’s to taking what one paper I read called a ‘weight-inclusive’ view towards healthy weight and how to attain it and ‘normative weight’, meaning all the stuff we hear about diets, etc. Both require dedication and someone who enjoys trying to improve life, no matter how much of an uphill battle it seems to be. I must do everything in my power to become that person.

Okay, this is a long post—time to sign off for the night. I’m getting a little sleepy, despite some late caffeine. Good night.

Processing...

I am really examining something about my life that has a profound effect every day on how I am doing at any given moment. It's not the most pleasant of things to think about,  and it brings up many unpleasant emotions and memories,  but I need to do this. Once I get some thoughts collected,  I'll write,  but for now,  I'm just reading various things and thinking.

On the plus side,  A and I worked out for a little while today.  It was a start,  anyway,  and about as comical as YKWIA imagined.  At least we didn't break anything. :)

Okay,  good night for now.

Heading to bed

I forgot to say Happy Imbolc/Candlemas.  And the groundhog predicted an early spring.  Hopefully he's right!  As it was, we got into the mid-sixties today,  so I wore Capris and sandals.  Not bad for February,  although I did get some strange looks.  The sad thing? I was still hot most of the day. Perimenopause,  I guess.  It's also giving me a giant zit on my cheek.  No fair!  Acne was bad enough as a teen! Still no period.  I may have to do my libation at dark of the moon instead. Anyway,  good night!

I certainly found it so

Uninstalling Facebook app saves up to 20% of Android battery life: Facebook’s Android app negatively impacts performance and battery life, even when it’s only running in the background, users find

Frustrated by having to charge my Samsung Galaxy S5's battery by noon in order to have any juice by evening and preventing the phone from shutting itself down by dinnertime, I removed Facebook, Messenger, and a few other applications that I was using infrequently. The results? At the vvery least about 30%-50% or more battery at bedtime, and not having to charge during the day at all. I can still check social media through my Chrome browser. I rarely used Messenger, anyway, and it was a space hog as well. In fact, now that I removed those applications and backed up my photos from my SD card to the computer, I now have about a fourth of my internal storage and half of my SD card free again (several of the applications were partly stored on the SD card). And things are opening a lot faster. Yay!