Had to go back to my doctor's office today

Most of the other symptoms have resolved, but my throat has been very, very sore, especially at night, to the point of keeping me awake. My ears hurt, too, to the point where I can't play music except softly or they hurt. So last night, when I was up and in pain, I sent a message to my nurse practitioner giving her the symptoms, and asking if it could be strep, regardless of the negative test the other day. She wanted to go ahead and see me, so I went over lunch. The good news is that I don't have strep--the test again was negative. I do, however, have thrush (oral Candidiasis, basically a yeast infection in my throat), probably as an opportunistic infection after being sick, coupled with my use of Breo, an inhaled medicine that can contribute to them--although I do rinse my mouth and brush my teeth after every use--and my diabetes. My ears, meanwhile, are fluid-filled (it's called otitis media serous), and bulging a bit inside where they're not draining. Rather than put me on a steroid pack, which can wreak havoc with blood sugars, she gave me one steroid shot, and I'm to continue the Stahist AD. She didn't want to put me on anything with a stronger dose of pseudoephedrine because of my ADD medicine, which, while not really a stimulant, might have reacted. She also had me go on Diflucan and I have to swish and swallow this thick-looking liquid three times a day for 17 days that looks particularly nasty. But a Candidiasis infection can go down your throat to your organs, so best to do it. One reason I went ahead and got tested for strep was that I planned to go visit my mom in Danville's hospital, and it's best not to bring strep with you to visit someone in the ICU. My throat infection isn't contagious per se--it's an overgrowth of a yeast most people already have. So I was given the okay to visit. Ironically, it turns out that there were contact precautions in place there for Clostridium difficile, a particularly nasty bug that cause terrible gastrointestinal distress. I had to use a gown and gloves. So I'm probably more at risk for infection than she is. But I did wash my hands thoroughly.

But she knew me and could talk some. That was good. I stayed an hour-and-a-half and then headed back to Lexington. The only problem I encountered was some cardboard in the road that had to be straddled and sort of obstacle-course-driven. It could run someone off the road, it was substantial enough, but I got home okay. I drove exactly 100 miles today--I put my trip odometer to zero this morning when I started out and was on my gas light, and then kept it going after I got gas. I took YKWIA to a couple of appointments and we stopped at the pharmacy to get our respective medicine between trips. I took him by the store and Jin Jin, then dropped him off and headed to Danville about 7:30 pm.

Now I've eaten and I should think about taking the scary looking stuff (I can't eat or drink for 30 minutes afterwards) and heading to bed.

Good night.

It's just starting

To unfurl... :)

Whew!

Reading goal met and I finally finished my audiobook of The Cave and the Light: Plato and Aristotle and the Struggle for the Soul of Western Civilization by Arthur Herman,  all 31 chapters totaling 25 hours and 26 minutes,  and over 700 pages.  Very interesting read spanning 2,500 years of Western thought,  and relevant to our 'post-fact' world; I highly recommend it. Very thought-provoking.

Feeling a little better today

When I started work this morning I was very behind. I managed to get caught up on my charge entry, do the charge reconciliation, and finish an audit. I didn't manage to fill an interlibrary loan, which I'll have to do Monday, or much of anything else on the library side except for helping with equipment and filling the copiers, but overall, it wasn't a bad day. My orchid is starting to open just a bit, and should be flowering Monday at full colour, which makes me happy. It's hard to believe that just yesterday I had to resist the urge to destroy the almost-open buds as part of my foul mood. But I did resist, and they're blooming today. Yay!

A wants a ride to the store later this evening, so I can't really start on my laundry yet. I think I'll work on that book review in the meantime. Yes, they said that it could be submitted for the next issue, but I'd like to go ahead and do that. I've already finished the game notes, and we play this weekend, especially if I--long story--finish that book review first.

I'd like see the movie Sing while it's still in the cinema, and had thought of using my free tickets for it with YKWIA tomorrow. But I'll have to see what plans may be in the offing.

I'm also almost finished with the book The Cave and the Light: Plato and Aristotle and the Struggle for the Soul of Western Civilization by Arthur Herman. I'd like a paperback version. I've really enjoyed it as an historical survey through Western thought, philosophy, theology, and science. It makes me think of my major professor when I was in the history programme, E. Randolph Daniel. As far as I know, he is alive and well, but last night I dreamt of his funeral, only it wasn't him, just someone with the same name. It was a weird dream. I'd like to send him a note to thank him for being a great teacher. I've meant to send it for awhile. He's been retired for about 16 years; if I want him to get it, I should send it soon. But I loved having him as a professor of Mediaeval history, and he put up with my issues, especially while I was going through my divorce.

Okay, time to read the book for review. It's a book on communication and having difficult conversations in the workplace. Considering my fear of confrontation, I think it would be a good read for me.

I should be doing laundry tonight, but

I've been letting the stress of life really get to me lately; things have been harder than normal with the impending job loss and half a dozen different stressors knocking at my door. Two separate people asked me how I was doing today. I'm having a bit of a breakdown. I know it. I'm not coping with the stress in some misguided belief that I won't have to keep dealing with things, according to my best friend, and I think he's right. That's my messed up brain chemistry trying to cope ineffectively. I'm slipping into the depressive side of my Bipolar Disorder II, after a long remission, and I recognise that I'm on the cusp of relapse. I see my counselor Monday and my doctor in twelve days, so perhaps they can adjust my therapy and/or medication. But in the meantime, I'm going to take a hot bath, take the night off to try to relax, and get some rest, because that's the first step to meeting stress full-on rather than just curling up in a ball and hoping it goes away.

Eilir and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (with apologies to Judith Viorst)

I started my morning with my account overdrawn due to a cascade effect caused by the bank's algorithm, a very unsatisfactory call with the bank representative, who kept talking over me, and a determination to switch back to a credit union, which at the very least isn't interested in making money off my misery like some soulless machine. I went to my allergist appointment all upset, red-faced, and crying, still managed to do my pulmonary tests well (and my blood pressure was just 107 over 60-something, which was amazing, as I thought I'd die of apoplexy while on the phone), then went to work, where I continued to be upset and had a difficult time getting pretty much anything done properly. Then it was over to YKWIA's to take him to an appointment. He took pity on me, bought me a salmon salad at Captain D's (what can I say, he's Jewish, he feeds people to comfort them, and it is greatly appreciated), I took him to the library and grocery, and then we watched an episode of 'Shadowhunters'. Now I'm home. I feel like a wet rag someone's wrung out. I'm going to try to get up early in the morning and deal with life a little better, so I'm going on to bed. Good night.

I don't know if I mentioned it

But last week I found someone's driver's licence in the parking lot of a local store and since it isn't smart for a single woman to just drop by a stranger's apartment,  I sent it back to the owner via mail.

I'd pretty much put it out of my mind until I got a message via Facebook Messenger today from the young man thanking me for sending it to him.  I'm glad he got it okay (I was afraid his address had changed,  or he'd gotten a replacement already,  but he got it fine and was very happy.)  So I felt better and was happy,  too,  to have done something that helped another person out. Between that and the car,  it's been a good day.

And there was much rejoicing

Well, it took $601.43 total, but:

1. I have working rear brakes that are safe and happy...
2. My ball joints were fine (take that Tire Discounters, who tried to get me to pay for a replacement), but my ignition coil was causing all the engine misfiring, and that was fixed...
3. I got an oil change, which was overdue, and they threw in a new stopper, replacing the old one, which was threaded...and
4. My windshield wipers, which basically shredded, were replaced.

Tire Discounters quoted about $800 for the first two alone. Thanks Kenny and the folks at Mitch's Auto for the great service. I've gone there for years, and they're very straight-shooting and reasonable. And thank you to YKWIA and A, who helped out by paying half of the bill, since I give them rides quite often. And thank you to Jackie, from work, who came and got me and took me into work and then brought me back, so I didn't have to ride the bus and take time out from my workday. It drives like a new car. :)

After I got the car, I went over to YKWIA's, had dinner (it was very yummy) and took A to a meeting. Now I'm home, and I have my choice of:

1. Laundry,
2. Kitchen, or
3. Book review, or
4. Some sort of combination of the above.

I also told A I would do some checking on the computer for him. So there's definitely that. I also want to listen some more to my audiobook (I'm five chapters away from finishing). If I did laundry and went over to the facility here, I could listen and work on the computer, too, and even work on the book review, perhaps. On the other hand, the kitchen really needs help. So we'll see. Right now I'm going to change into comfy clothes and wind down a bit, without actually relaxing to the point of sleep. I'm thinking of putting on some peppy music. :)

I stayed pooped

The kitchen will have to wait.  I'm feeling congested and achy again,  even with the meds.  Tomorrow a friend from work is picking me up at the car shop so I can get some work done on it but not miss work either. So, I have to go on to sleep. A's safely home and I'm in bed. Good night.

Tree is down

And I am not ready to tackle the kitchen quite yet.  In fact,  I'm pooped (well,  I have been sick,  after all).  So I'm going to rest for awhile and try in an hour or so.  Whew!

My poor neglected blog

Okay, folks, I'm really not trying to let this blog die. The holidays were insanely busy, and now I've been ill, and yesterday, when I was working on the game notes, was the first time I'd plugged the laptop into the monitor/rest of the system on the computer desk in probably six weeks. Really.

Friday I was able to go back to work at 1 pm, and I got caught up on my charge entry. One good thing about being sick with pinkeye, though, is I am temporarily being treated as a plague-bearer by friends, and so Friday night was all about listening to my audiobook and resting. Saturday I went in early to work (with permission to work on Saturday) and made up some hours and finished the policies I had to edit). I then took YKWIA to an appointment, but wasn't allowed to touch anything in his house. He rode in the back seat of the car, and when I picked him and another friend up, they remained in the back. I took the one to the Women's March here in Lexington, drove the other by the store and then home, and returned home. Again, there was plenty of 'reading', rest, and I did tackle the bathroom, including details like the shower and the hair catcher that sits in the drain that, while not bad on hair, had some soap scum on it that was preventing it from draining properly. It took an hour, but I got everything but the floor taken care of (I'll mop the kitchen and bath later, when everything else is taken care of).

Today we had planned to play the game, although the one wanted me to wear gloves, because he really did not trust the '24 hours of drop rule', so from 7:30 pm to 11 pm I did game notes. It included a lot of investigation, you see, so it took longer than normal. Then I picked up the one friend from work at 1 am (he sat in the front). This morning I was up at 7:30, although I'd planned to sleep a little later, since I didn't have to clean for the game, and went to Kroger and fortunately managed to the Stahist AD that Chinoe had not had, and some Mucinex, and that was about $30 altogether. But I feel much better than this morning. I thought I'd have to call the game off, but then my friend who is the game master called and he was not well either, and wanted to cancel, but wanted me to come over (with gloves) for a quick grocery run with my other friend who is strong and can lift big bags of dog food and large cat litter boxes. I called Brenda, left a message, and then at the appointed time went and got A and the card and we went to the grocery, brought in the stuff, and were getting ready to leave, when Brenda came driving up, having not gotten my message. After explaining to her what was going on, she turned back for home, I took A to work, and then went on home. I was kind of tired, so I ate something and laid down for what was going to be a half-hour nap that turned into two hours. I remember vaguely blessed sunshine coming in through the window (it's been grey and gloomy, with rain, for days). Now I'm up, I've fortified myself, and I have two goals tonight: to clean the kitchen thoroughly and take down the Yule tree.

Yes, it's still up, with the decorations on and everything. The wreath is still on the door, but actually two of my neighbours still have theirs up, too, so either we're all having a difficult winter, or it's more acceptable. I mean, my wreath doesn't have Santa Claus or anything like that--just greenery, fruit, and pinecones. So it's still 'wintery', I suppose. But it's all coming down tonight and getting packed away. I did manage to get around the tree and do some plant watering yesterday. Some look pretty peaked; I think I'm going to have to go through a cull. On the other hand, I've got two orchids at work getting ready to rebloom, and a whole slew of plants at work that are going to have to come home in two months, so there is that.

Okay, I'm going to go blow my nose and get some more caffeine. I think I'll start with the tree. I'll try to write later, and get in the habit of writing more. I need to pick A up at midnight, but otherwise need to get up early because I'm dropping the car off at the shop tomorrow and meeting a co-worker at 7:30 so she can be at work for an 8 am meeting. Those brakes need fixing, and it's definitely time.

PS I'm getting ready to start chapter 26 of The Cave and the Light. Only five more to go, and one is an afterword, I think, because it's only 2 or so minutes long. :)

Using my eyes to read is a little painful

So I listened to chapter 19 of 'The Cave and the Light: Plato and Aristotle and the Struggle for the Soul of Western Civilization'  by Arthur Herman (the one on Gallileo), and then followed that up by listening to Meteora by Linkin Park (right now it's 'Breaking the Habit'), an odd combination,  I admit. One's very cerebral,  one's pure emotion. They both have their place.

So we've reached the miserable stage

I don't just have a cold. That's gotten worse, and last night my throat was hurting so badly that I could barely swallow. No, I have pinkeye, too, and got sent home from work since it's so contagious. I managed to see my nurse practitioner this morning (I had a wellness exam scheduled for tomorrow, so they just moved it to today). She put me on sulfa drops, which I have to be on for 24 hours before I can go back to work. She was ready to give me a note that would have me coming back on Monday, but I have very little PTO, so I asked her if I could go back tomorrow afternoon and she said yes. My boss (who's also the employee health nurse) is going to let me work from 1-5 pm tomorrow so I can catch up on my charge sheets. She's also going to let me come in on Saturday to make up time so I can work on the policy editing. Yay.

I came home about 9 am, slept for a bit since I'd had almost none the night before, had my appointment at 11:30, then went and got the prescription and a few groceries. By the time I got back home, I was tired again. I went back to sleep from about 2 to just now, about 5, and took my medicine again. I have to take it every three hours while awake. I have absolutely no energy. I'm finally home, able to do things around the house, and am too sick to do so. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll feel better, and can tackle some of it.

So I'm listening to Pandora (the OneRepublic channel, which has that, Imagine Dragons, 3 Doors Down, The Script, Shinedown, and Matchbox Twenty, among the others. I feel somewhat mellow as a result. I just feel physically 'meh'. I'm blowing my nose a lot, washing my hands a lot, and generally feeling achy and feverish. My throat isn't as bad today--and thankfully, they did a strep culture, which was negative, so there's that--and that's a blessing.

Okay, I'm going to go to get some orange juice and then pay a bill that I forgot. T-Mobile didn't cut me off, at least. :) I meant to make a payment arrangement and totally forgot to. So I'd better pay now. I'll probably write later.

Sick

My cold is getting worse and trying to settle in my chest.  My throat and head are hurting.

Mom's back in the Danville hospital.

I have stuff to do tonight,  but no energy. So I'm going to go to bed early and try again tomorrow.

I'll also keep this brief.  Good night.

Feeling a little better

I went to my counseling session yesterday evening, and I feel much better and have some ideas for reducing my stress levels, taking care of the things that I can take care of, and trying to let go of the things I can't. The hoarding issue can wait a little; I've got to get a handle on how I feel, the panic I've been under lately. Meanwhile, my friend YKWIA and I have had several discussions, and he's right, I let things build up over and over again, only to blow up emotionally and melt down. There's actually an analogy he mentioned, taken from Transactional Analysis and entered into popular psychology, where you 'save up stamps' like people used to do when they went to the grocery store. Unlike the prizes that you could get through the stores, this allows you to save up until you're ready to blow, and all the little issues justify the blow up. Of course, if the person does so around someone else, that's really not fair to the other person, and that's what happened the other day. I've been so busy keeping things together in other arenas, like work, that I let go around someone I felt comfortable with, and caused an issue.

So, I obviously need to work on my emotions and on taking a proactive, not reactive role in meeting problems head on rather than letting things pile up. It's like emotionally I'm doing the same thing as my house--pushing the stuff around, at best, not dealing with it, and then it piles up and causes me problems.

My mom, who had been back in the hospital, seems to be on the mend, so that's one stressor down for now. Work is going well in general, although the end of that run is quickly approaching, and I'm having a lot of anxiety over that. My counselor made some suggestions for the running to appointments issue as well, some alternate means of transportation that we need to find since when I find another job, I will 1) not have PTO to burn at all and 2) most places will not be as understanding about my taking someone I'm technically not related to around to various appointments. So we need to find a good alternative. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Our local partnership between the local bus system and the Red Cross, Wheels, is apparently meant to be a transient service when a person is getting used to being disabled. I'm going to check out a service called ITN, which my counselor suggested, as it is more of a subscription-to-ride sort of service, and can take him anywhere in town, not just doctors and grocery stores. But it's meant for seniors and those with certain disabilities, so he may not qualify. Oh, and Uber and Lyft are not tenable, as you need a smartphone for that, and he doesn't even have a cell phone. Cabs are prohibitively expensive and, in our town, rather unreliable.

So there's that. In the meantime, I'm doing some things to try to get things back on an even keel. I'm trying to get more rest (although I only got about three hours' sleep last night because I made the mistake of taking a cold medicine with pseudoephedrine in it, and couldn't sleep after 2 am). I'm reading or at least listening to an audiobook for at least 30 minutes a day, possibly longer. I'm still making my way through The Cave and the Light: Plato versus Aristotle and the Struggle for the Soul of Western Tradition by Arthur Herman. I just finished chapter 18 out of 31. They are long chapters, and of course the material is rather dense, although not exceedingly so. But each chapter lasts about 50 minutes of recording. So I'm doing half a chapter to a chapter a day.

I've also exercised a little. Last week I spent some time on the exercise bike in our fitness room at the apartment complex, then walked on the treadmill--not for long, but enough to get a start. Tonight I'm doing laundry in the same building, and they have Wi-Fi, so I'm writing this from the laundry room, but before sat down to the computer I put my laundry in the washers (three loads!) and then went over and biked for a few minutes and then tried the elliptical, which I do not know if I am coordinated enough for that. I lasted three minutes total on the elliptical. 1) I have a tendency to go backwards, and 2) it's not supposed to hurt my knees, but does, mainly, I suspect, because I don't use my knees correctly enough. I bend at the back rather than my knees (yes, I know that's bad) because I have hard problems with my knees since I was a teenager. I also have to be careful if I stop with the elliptical because it practically throws me off. I'm glad no one was in there. But I'll keep trying, anyway. I'm also using Habitica, which I've mentioned before, to help with the stress-reduction, reading, and de-cluttering. I reached level 121 as a mage and have used the Orb of Rebirth so that I have been 'reborn', so I'm a level 9 warrior at the moment. I think I'll stay a warrior this time; you can work your way through all the classes, including rogue and healer. It really is helping, though, and I'm questing with others, which keeps us accountable and more likely to take care of our daily tasks. In other words, it's helping with my resolutions to de-stress and de-clutter my life.

Okay, I promised a friend who doesn't have a computer that I'd upload his résumé and help him apply for a job listing. Time to be productive. Have a good night.

Naan and popcorn for dinner

Technically I do have basmati rice to go with some prepackaged Indian food  and some pasta and sauce,  but both of then require boiling the rice or pasta.  I don't feel like even doing that amount of cooking,  small as it is. And I'm not very hungry. I'm starting a cold--sore throat, headache,  runny nose,  cough,  achiness,  and wheezing.  I have some Mucinex,  some Stahist,  Ricola, two kinds of cough syrup--all left over from May's bronchitis--some ibuprofen,  and the Albuterol for the nebulizer (which I just used). That should help.

I went to counseling tonight and while we didn't tackle hoarding,  which I've barely worked on with all that's been going on,  we did discuss my stress levels and how to bring them down so I can cope. I feel better as a result,  although I'll have to do  proactive things to improve my stress that will war with my need to do everything.

So now I'm listening to Pandora,  drinking water,  and eating just a little.  I have some things to do tonight,  but right now I'm taking some time to myself. I need it.  I also want to read (or at least listen to my audiobook),  go online and help a friend apply for a job,  and pick a chore to work on that is small but will help with the house.  Actually, I may just create a plan,  given my schedule for the week.  I have a list of what I need to do,  but I need to assign times so I'll actually do them.

Okay,  back to Pandora.  I may write later.  If not,  have a good night.

Obviously I've been having a rough time

and last night I was actually the furthest down I've been in years. Too much stress, probably weird hormones, and funky brain chemistry are conspiring to make me less resilient than usual. Ironically, I started back at the Family-to-Family class that I've taken and taught, this time as a resource person, and I'm finding that maybe my friends should be taking it rather than me, because I seem to be having issues and it's hard, maybe, to be around me just now. This is the first time I've actually been on the laptop rather than my phone in quite some time, attempting to write something a little more substantial than I have lately.

Stressors the last few weeks have been:

1. I'm losing my job as of March 31st. I have an entire library to shut down before then. I've been applying and interviewing, and it's becoming desperate.
2. My mom's been very sick. She's back in a center right now that will hopefully get her back home, but it involves a lot of ups and downs.
3. I've had appointments or places to drive to (either for me or for my friends) almost every day for at least six weeks. On the rare days that I haven't been busy, I've been so tired, I crashed.
4. I'm very low on personal time off as a result, and while my bosses have been very understanding, I've been short on my pay at a time when my finances have been difficult.
5. I really need to get my brakes fixed on the car, and don't have an emergency fund to tap into. Friends can help, but my half is taking awhile to gather, and I'm already behind on bills.
6. I've been trying to be there for months for a friend who has been going through a very difficult time, but I don't have any other real network of my own to help me when I get overwhelmed.
7. I'm going through perimenopause and have had some issues as a result, and a possible cancer scare, and my health in general has suffered over the last few weeks, because my eating and diabetes care has become more haphazard, and I always seem to be running somewhere. If I sleep, I sleep poorly, and usually no more than four or five hours, because I'm trying to make up hours, get things done, take care of all the things I feel I should

So last Sunday, I broke, and finally told my friend that while I wanted to help out, I hated doing my Sunday cleaning list every week. So he said I don't have to do it anymore. Seems good, hmm? No, because now he feels like he can't rely on me at all, I think, and it also means that he had declared that I can't do any of those things for him any more, and he's not really up to doing them at the moment. So I feel like I let him down. Funny, he always quotes the phrase, 'the truth shall set you free', but I don't feel that way at all. I should be happy that after fifteen years or more of coming over on Sundays and cleaning for five to six hours, that I should be relieved. I feel unwanted and miserable. He actually referred to me as the lady who took him to appointments, and I felt like that meant that was all I was to him, after nearly thirty years of friendship. I may be reading stuff into it, but I know he's unhappy with me, and he's pretty much my world. I've focused my life around him for decades. And I'm seeing that as a major problem. I've never found the balance of living my life and being there as a friend, too. And with all the stuff going on in my life lately, everything--my emotions, my housework, my handle on my health--have totally fallen apart. I feel like such a screwup. I'm not sure where I even start putting things back together. But here's what I'm trying to do:

1. Exercise helps stress. I did some earlier this week in our fitness centre at home. But I have to do it very early to be assured I can get it in, and that cuts in on my sleep a bit.
2. I'm trying to sleep for at least six or seven hours, shooting for eight.
3. I'm trying to read (a pleasurable activity I enjoy greatly, and stimulating) at least 30 minutes a day, including listening to audio recordings of books being read.
4. I'm trying to be better about checking my blood sugar, taking my meds, and eating, using a couple of applications to keep track of meals, glucose, medicine, etc.
5. I'm going to try to write more. Writing is a release for me; I've gotten out of the habit, and while my days are not always fascinating reading, it helps to put the words down of what happens and how I'm feeling.
6. I'm going to try to spend time with my friend doing things that are fun for both of us, and help him without sacrificing my own needs.
7. I'm going to see if I can move up my appointment with my psychiatrist, which is three weeks away.
8. I'm going to work on small discrete projects, like taking down the tree (no, I haven't begun to do that, yet), laundry, watering plants, cleaning the bathroom, etc.
9. I"m going to try to breathe and enjoy life as much as I can right now. Because the last few weeks, I haven't been living so much as reacting to problems that arise in life.

It's a start, I guess.

I feel

Terribly unloved at the moment.  I'm not sure if it's actually the case,  but it's how I feel.  I hate that feeling.  :( I'm actually beginning to question the whole point of it all.

It's been a very rough start to 2017

My mom is back in the hospital. She spent six days in a rehabilitation centre, fell, showed major confusion, and wound up back in the university's emergency room. Thursday we had our first snow, which, while minor, wreaked havoc with the roads, followed by single digit and low teen temperatures. It took me two and a half hours to go from work, make a quick stop at Kroger, pick up A, take him home, and then go home myself. I got home about 7 pm. My stepfather barely got back to Danville, as I think they had more snow. That night, my mom's potassium was very high and they wanted someone there who was family, because they had to put in a central line and put her through dialysis to get it down, so about 10:30 pm I went over there, and she was coherent and awake, and we talked, and despite the fact that she was very sick and in the hospital, had a good visit. At one point there was a problem with the central line and they asked me to step out of the room for about 15 minutes, which stretched to an hour. I was in a small waiting/consultation room, and it was dim and quiet, and I nearly fell asleep. I finally got to go back in, and stayed a little while. But by 2 am, I'd been up for 22 hours straight and was afraid I wouldn't be able to drive home on the nasty roads if I stayed much longer. So I headed on home and went straight to bed, got about four hours' sleep, and went to work. I was struggling all day to stay awake. On Friday night I picked A up from where YKWIA was helping him job hunt. I took him home, and went and visited my mom in the observation area. But whe mostly slept, and when she id waken briefly, she didn't know I was there. The nurse did get her to drink her medicine, but beyond that she was unresponsive. I came on home about 11 pm and was very discouraged. My stepfather and I texted back and forth about DNRs and letting go. I updated my aunts. That sort of thing. I was pretty down.

Today I spent most of the day doing errands with friends, and instead of going over to visit my mom, I told my stepfather (who'd come over to find her awake and doing much better) that I would visit in the morning. I then proceeded to crash for four hours. I got up after 8:30, went to Kroger for a few things, where the checkout lane totally shut down and wouldn't scan, so we moved to another lane, and then I somehow didn't get a bag of bread, an apple, and bananas home with me, so I guess it got lost in the shuffle. :(

I feel stressed and anxious. I'm sad and angry and conflicted; the way my mom has bounced back and forth to various extremes is heart-wrenhxhibg. I've had a lot of responsibilities lately, a lot of appointments both for myself and YKWIA and I've been doing some extra projects at work, so I've been going in early. I think last night, when I slept for 8 hours, wa the most I've slept in over a month and a half. I've been averaging 4-5 hours a night, and it's been very broken sleep.

I should work on the house, which is reflecting all the inner emotions right now. Instead, I'm trying to calm myself down by listening to the Bastille Pandora station. It isn't helping. I feel bad for not seeing my mom today, although the rest did help a little.

A is going to call me later so I can pick him up at work by 1 am. BUt I think I may take some time to rest some more. I'm just not up to anything else, right now. Hope your new year is off to a better start.

Hmm

A day or so before payday,  and I'm looking in my fridge and freezer,  and find insulin,  hummus,  sour cream,  eggs, naan,  and a giant box of soft pretzels (the latter was a 25-pretzel manager's special for $3.99). Can you tell I live by myself? I guess it's better than a bunch of takeout containers,  but barely. The food in the pantry is a little better,  at least, so I'm not in dire straits or anything.  But when you have more medicine than food in your refrigerator,  I think it says something.

Quote of the day

'Iron rusts from disuse; stagnant water loses its purity and in cold weather becomes frozen; even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind. So we must stretch ourselves to the very limits of human possibility. Anything less is a sin against both God and man.'--Leonardo da Vinci

Happy New Year!

May 2017 be a really great year,  even though it looks a little sketchy.