Today's Horoscope is Unfortunately Right On....

There's something in your life that you've been neglecting, and now is the time to take care of it. Others may be celebrating their independence, but Aries begins to fall deeper and deeper into a bad habit. Self-consciousness only increases your discomfort, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you're unhappy with how things are, this is the time to change them. Procrastination is indeed one of your worse vices at the moment -- but it can be overcome.

(c) 2002 Kelli Fox and Astrology.com (TM). All rights reserved.

I can't tell you right now how mortifyingly right this is. I'm still dazed and confused. I'll write more later, probably edit this entry.

---------------------------------------------
Okay, having been restored by Mediterranean food (more on that later), many phone calls, etc., here's the skinny: on Wednesday I got a call from a collection agency explaining to me that I had $96,000 in student loans in default and was there anyway I could whip a payment of $70,000 (the actual amount needed, the rest being fees, etc.) to them by Friday. If not, they were talking wage garnishment, refund freezes, and possible litigation.

If you keep up with this blog, you know that I can't even afford a car that works on a regular basis. As Zabet put it, if I had $70,000 laying about, I'd probably be in Aruba. They asked for info like how much money I had in the bank, what kind of car I drove, what my medical costs were. I think the woman I talked to realised that I was not going to pull this money out of any existing resources.

This whole thing floored me, because in the last few months I've actually been trying to become fiscally responsible by (finally) consolidating my student loans. The amount seemed suspiciously close to the amount I was supposed to have consolidated and upon which I have begun repayment.

So...on Thursday I called the Department of Education (be sure you do this on a speaker phone when you can do computer work, etc. during the wait). The consolidation people verified that my loan had been consolidated to the tune of $86,000 (there were some Perkins loans in that as well). Then I found the people who deal with defaulted loans, and they agreed with the figures. Apparently the Perkins loans were paid off, but the consolidation people had not sent the money for the Stafford loans, or some sort of thing. So, tomorrow, I need to check back and see what the problem was, and in the meantime, everyone's sending me a copy of the paperwork that shows what got consolidated, what's left (there are still a couple of other agencies from where the loans need to be consolidated). Once everything's consolidated, everybody should be happy, and since it's linked to my income, I can still live in something other than my ratty car. At one point, I tried calling the number the woman gave me and it came up a dud. I was beginning to think maybe someone was trying to do a scam/identity theft (ha! as if that would get them anywhere with mine!) but it turned out to be okay; I was just so rattled I'd taken the number down wrong.

My advice to students out there: if you borrow, borrow as little as possible. Look at me...I owe as much as many doctors and I make just above $22.000 a year. I am a poster child for someone whose master's degree should pay them more but the job I found didn't. The full amount I borrowed never really seemed real, especially during those years where I was working two jobs and making $2000 a year during school and honestly couldn't have eaten otherwise. If you do borrow, keep up with where your loans are assiduously. I've had loans sold from one company to another down a chain of five or six. There is a place now for you to check your loans online, at http://www.nslds.ed.gov. You need the PIN that they send you to get access (I have to hunt that up, too). That's a huge improvement over the years of paper I've accumulated.

After the woman called (I was at work, it was towards the end of the day, the time you start wrapping up things) I was so stunned I had to go outside for a bit and try to do some breathing exercises/run through all my DBT skills. I mean, all I could think of was that I had no future (she'd stressed several times that if I couldn't come up with the money, I'd basically be having my paycheque taken away from me forever), and those loans all get cancelled if I die. Not the best of thoughts, I know. I'm sure they're used to having to take a pretty hard line with people who default on loans, but for someone who's been dealing with depression and anxiety issues, normal bills can seem overwhelming. This seemed hopeless, even more so, because if I had tried to explain my reaction, it would have just seemed like a dramatic or lame excuse. Somehow I don't think asking them if suicide is an acceptable settlement will work. But, I refused to give in, and then I made the call that brought the problem to light. Facing your fears is sometimes the only thing you can do. I really didn't like the alternative. I'm still scared by the situation (hey, emotions, you can't necessarily prevent them, just deal with them), but at least I feel like I'm in a little more control, which is good.

I know that some of you out there are thinking, hey, that's so pathetic. Well, I hope you're never really in a situation to understand. A few of you may really understand what it's like to feel like your world is crashing down on you at any given moment. I hope things are okay with you. I hope that this will slowly get better for me, now that I am trying to get some control over it.

Thanks to Zabet and Hubby for taking me out to eat (hey, sometimes it's bad to eat emotionally, but shocks are best handled with some food in your system) and cheering me up. We decided to try a place near my house called Aladdin. It's a little hole-in-the-wall Mediterranean restaurant and it was W O N D E R F U L. I have never tasted such great falafel. I got a vegetarian sampler and had to bring most of it back home for later--moussaka, hummus, stuffed grape leaves, cabbage rolls, an eggplant soup, faroush (I think that's what it was called--a wonderful salad with olive oil, mint, and spices), and baklava--you can't ask for a better meal. The restaurant was clean, the service was great, the waiter was cute, and we wanted to take the beaded chandelier home with us. It is now our 'new' place to eat, since our 'old' place, the late, lamented Taj Mahal (Indian food, obviously) went out of business. If you're ever in the Lexington area. They're in the phone book, at Woodhill Centre, and they do takeout as well!