My Week, Redux

Okay, I'm trying again. And doing so with an approaching thunderstorm, I might add. :) I'll break it up into sections this time. (Yeah, I know, I could just save it in a word processor and cut and paste, but that would make my life easier, wouldn't it?)

So here goes.

Today

I slept. That's pretty much it. No reading. A couple of trips out with the dog and answers to the cry of "Thumbs! Feed us!" by the kitty chorus. Oh, and I managed to read my e-mail. The good news is that I seem to be coming out of the creeping crud that's been my life the last few days. I can almost think. Almost. And, thanks to the nifty stuff the doctor gave me (which is just a souped up, time-release form of Robitussin, but is for some reason prescription-only) my head finally does not feel like it's full of snot. Yeay!

Yesterday
I decided to go to work. After all, I'm never sick more than a couple of days in a row, right? I made it halfway there (I should mention I live a block from work) and the car died. Bummer. I was so caught up in getting into the office that I apparently walked off and left my keys in the ignition. Oh, yeah, I was ready for work.

So, after an hour of sneezing, hacking, feeling feverish, etc. (silly me, I wasn't feeling better, it's just my snot-factories hadn't woken up yet) I got one of the nurses to check me out. She said I looked "puny," that it sounded like the same thing that floored her for 2 weeks, and that I should be more reasonable than she (it took her that long to go to a doctor because, well, she's a nurse) especially since I have asthma. So I went back down to the car. This time I coaxed it back to life, went home, made an appointment, and slept. At the doctor's they gave me a prescription for some stuff to liquifey and dry out the drainage, plus a prescritption for antibiotics if I weren't better in a couple of days. More sleeping. Talked to A on the phone and explained that I was still sick. He'd wanted to go to the store but decided that I should keep my plague-carrying butt at home. All of us have sung in choruses, and we have a general rule that people who are sick need not go visiting. You'll find this common among singers. I once had a voice teacher who had a student come into class with strep throat. When she found out, she sent him summarily packing, sent another student down to her office for Lysol, and then proceeded to spray down his seat, anywhere he'd walked, and most of the people around him. Obsessive? Not really, not if you make your living by your voice. And having spent much of my childhood with strep throat, I could only applaud. Technically, I'd already exposed A and D due to a middle-of-the-night emergency (they needed some first aid supplies due to a cooking accident,) but that's not visiting. Besides, D had just had a cold, so I think I got it from him anyway, and A has the constitution of a plough horse. But it's just as well. I've called this the "stupid sickness". My brain just hasn't been functioning. The other day I shampooed my hair with facial gel. I probably shouldn't have been behind the wheel of a car, so instead I read a bit of Caress of Twilight and went to sleep.

Wednesday, April 10th

Ack. Hack. Ugh. Phhttt! Whine.

My entire head felt like one giant bunch of snot. The crud was in full force now. I'd opened the windows and had a fan blowing on me because I felt hot and was running a temperature. It was getting worse as the day progressed. I tried to run some errands earlier in the day, including getting some over-the-counter stuff, drinks, and food that a brainless person could make, but with the exception of these short runs, I slept most of the day. I had a little station set up on the couch where I had a bag for the tissues hanging from my lamp, and everything I needed right there. I felt like such a slug.

The good news is that I got an e-mail from my friend Tracy, who's working on the Mars mission with NASA. She sort of dropped out of our lives when she went away to grad school. I told her I'd write more when I was better, and gave her this blog address and the one for Zabet. That perked up the day considerably.

Tuesday, April 9th

My karma ran over me. I'd had such a beautiful birthday and I took a small delight in the fact that my ex, who is exactly one week younger than I, was due to have rain on his. And lo, I was smote. I never made it in to work--in retrospect I was coming down with some sort of spring plague. At the time I thought it was because I'd missed a day of my Paxil and that can really mess you up (gives me migraines, and problems thinking to the point of being non-functional). D called me that afternoon, after I'd slept all day, called me a slug, and pointed out that I seem to get sick around the time my DBT group goes into the "Core Mindfulness" phase. It's already established that I can make myself sick. I usually don't realise it at the time, and we're talking real sickness, not just all in my head. It's like I emotionally shut down and so does my immune system. He may be right. I just know I felt bad, and I didn't think I would be of any use at work. Then I wound up going into a full virusy feeling by the afternoon. I don't know. I think he has a point. I've been doing better with coping. The DBT is helping. But at the same time, I think I tried to rush things. I was set to take a "mini-medical school" class starting today. For $25 you get to attend 8 weeks of lectures at the University of Kentucky Medical Centre. I had thought about applying for a job at LCC that paid more than twice what I make now. And when I went to Barnes & Noble to pick up my birthday present, I'd found a part-time listing in the children's department that sounded like it would be great fun and could help me save up for a new car.

I think I overshot myself in confidence. I'm still having depression problems, I'm still taking each day one at a time. So far I've managed not to lose my job or something, but it's been a struggle just to do normal things like pay bills, get to work on time, that sort of thing. I don't think I'm ready to expand beyond what I'm doing now. Maybe later, like in the summer or fall. It'll come eventually. But I think this was a wake-up call that I'm not ready yet, that I need to concentrate on doing well with what I have now. That sounds pathetic, doesn't it? Welcome to life with depression. But I truly believe it will get better.

Monday, April 8th
I felt somewhat ambivalent today. I just couldn't seem to work up to any real enthusiasm. Work went okay, but not as productive as I'd like. I felt, oh, disjointed from everyone. I missed my Paxil today; had to get it refilled by taking in a new prescription rather than just calling one in. Maybe that's the problem. DBT went pretty well, although we had a small group. We started the "Core Mindfulness" module that goes between each of the others. It's one of the hardest things for me. I can do breathing, zen-like moments and all that. But to be really mindful of what's going on in my head scares me. For years I dissociated most of my life away. It's harder now that I'm making a conscious effort to remain present. I guess it's because if you're truly aware, then you can be hurt that much deeper emotionally. Of course, if you check out completely, you can be hurt physically much worse.

This probably doesn't make sense to most people. They probably just think I'm crazy. But it was I way I learnt to cope with people and situations in my life that I had no control over. Unfortunately, I carried that coping mechanism into adulthood, and chose the same sort of people to continue to be around. I guess a lot of us do that. I really did marry someone similar to my father, for example. Neither of them cared about anything beyond himself and his 'needs'. But now I'm trying to get myself back fully. I think I'm on the right track. It's just a little harder than I thought. But I guess anything worthwhile is.

Sunday, April 7th
We didn't have our usual Call of Cthulhu game, because both D and B had been sick. So I did laundry with A at the laundromat, then went back and spent some time with D, who was getting over his cold. We watched the movie Evolution, with David Duchovny, Orlando Jones, and Julianne Moore. I laughed so hard that at one point I almost passed out, and I can honestly say that's never happened before. I mean, everything was going black. The line that did it? "Give me back my friend you giant sphincter!" or something to that effect. I wonder how many times they had to do that take. Okay, so I'm a little odd. But it was hilarious!

Saturday, April 6th
I had lunch with Zabet and her hubby, Patrick at Panera Bread. We were supposed to meet a cartoonist but that fell through. Lunch, however, was excellent. Then I went over to meet D and go do some research at the library with him; he was sick in bed, though, so A and I went to the grocery (yeay! for the car) and then I went over to Z and P's house for awhile. We watched the most god-awful movie I have ever seen, but had a good time.

Friday, April 5th
D and I celebrated the return of the car by going to the vet and getting the special diets his dog and my cat need, stopping by the local gaming store, etc. Hey, I lead a relatively simple life. It was nice to get into our normal routine after about 4 weeks of no car and 2 weeks since we'd seen each other. I think that's the longest time I've spent by myself since I was in the college dorms (a frighteningly long time ago now--we're talking 1984. I mean Zabet was in elementary school.)

Thursday, April 4th
Yeay! I got the car back! It was like $330, but at least the wheel shouldn't fall off. Yeah, it wasn't the tie rod after all (oh, no, that would have been a mere $120,) but the lower control arm, which apparently keeps the wheel on the car. I had dropped it off on Saturday, checked on Monday, and had been told they were waiting for a part. Here's how it went late Monday when I called back to check on the progress:

ME: "I wanted to check on the Nissan Sentra."
GUY AT THE TYRE SHOP: "Oh, yeah. Turns out the part is coming from Cincinnati, so we won't get it until Wednesday or Thursday. But you can come get the car if you want."
ME: [pause] "Um...And the wheel could fall off, right?"
GUY: [pause]"Um...well, yeah, it's kinda unsafe. But I thought you might need to get around between now and then."
ME: "Is there any reason it can't just stay there?"
GUY: "Oh, well, no, that would be fine."
ME:"Um...let's just keep it there, then, shall we? I think I can make do until then."

Really. This happened. And you know what? There are probably people out there who would have taken the car, had some terrible accident in which someone got killed, and then would have had the guts to sue the repair shop for damages. Me, I do enough stupid things in my life. I don't want this one on my conscience, too.

Wednesday, April 3rd
I had the best conversation with my mother today. She was off work and home alone and it's a local call for her (but not for me; she has a special calling plan) so we were able to have a nice, long talk. It's been awhile since I've really been alone with my mom, except for some trips to my grandmother's, and some of the issues I needed to cover are just not the sort of thing you bring up when your mom is driving down the road.

We covered just about everything. We both discussed what it was like growing up in our families, and what it was like living with my dad. We talked about how abusive he was. I think I surprised her with some of it, but she knew that emotionally he wasn't able to be a loving father. She is of the opinion that he was scared of me, especially because I was smart, and active, and vocal. I think she may be right. I can remember my dad being put out because I scored 2 points ahead of him on an IQ test (as if they're even that particularly valid). She thought that he felt like he couldn't keep up with me, that he wouldn't know all the answers. That makes a lot of sense. A lot of my problems now are that I've programmed myself to mess up in the most stupid, self-destructive way possible. It's like I'm still looking for his approval, and the only way to get it is to make him look better. Sigh. This is a man I haven't even had contact with in eight years, I might add.

My mom was also worried that some of my psychological problems were her fault. When I was growing up we were very emotionally dependent upon one another, partly because we moved so often that we were the only constants in each other's life. I was able to reassure her on that point. I won't say there were some issues, but I've mostly worked through any we had. I told her I was bisexual. Turns out she'd figured that out for herself. She'd tried to tell me, a little, by saying things like, "you know it's okay if you don't have kids and do the whole traditional thing". At the time I just thought she was saying she didn't think I could handle it. (Well, and maybe she's right. I can't even handle a regular relationship yet, after all). But what she really meant is that I shouldn't feel like I needed to do the normal thing to feel fulfilled; that as long as I was happy with myself that's what mattered. That's a great thing to hear from your parent. Even the most understanding of parents have dreams for their little boys or girls from the moment they're born, and it can be difficult to let those go for what's truly best for the child. My mom's had a lot of ups and downs in her life, and now, in her 50s, I think she's finally happy. I think she's had enough experience to want me to do what's right for me. We also talked about how I'd fallen in love with my best friend (who's gay, and taken, so that's not so productive, but hey, we don't really have control over whom we love and how). She'd figured that out, too, and when I thought she was expressing disapproval of him, it turned out she was more concerned that I not get into a similar situation as that with my ex (he's gay, too--me, threatened by heterosexual men? :) Hmpfh.) Anyway, it gave us both some closure to some uncertainties. And I was able to verify some of my ideas about my father. It felt like my mom and I were finally interacting like two adults. I guess it's about time.

April 2nd--my 35th birthday!

I was a little worried about this one. You see, when my parents divorced, they were 35. I was 15, and I remember how OLD they seemed. (Funny, now my mom just seems a little older than I am. I guess age is somewhat relative in terms of perception.) But I must say this was an absolutely great day. It was 77 degrees, sunny, with a light wind. My boss gave me an entire flat of yellow pansies and a cheesecake sampler. (Have I mentioned how great my boss is?) My mom gave me the money to fix the car. I've got to love my mom. In my birthday card she wrote "welcome to the middle ages". She can't believe I'm 35. (After all, what does that make her? She said "I guess that means I'm in the old ages".) Hmm...not hardly.

It was one of those shining, perfect kind of days. Work went really well; I was able to help several people with some problems. The cafeteria had a vegetarian lasagne entree (see it's those little things you appreciate). I wish I'd had the car, but things went well otherwise. D and A wished me a happy birthday over the phone. Z and P let me borrow the car to pick up my present to myself, Elizabeth Peters' new Amelia Peabody novel, The Golden One, which had come out that day. It's book 14 in a series that traces an Aegyptological family's detectival adventures where "every year, another dead body" seems to crop up. I dearly love these books, which are devilishly addictive. Then we went over to their house and they put candles in the cheesecake and sang "Happy Birthday" to me. Z is going to help me make sense of my finances (ha!) for my birthday present. P contributed to a growing collection of items he believes no librarian should be without, of which the latest certainly is the greatest. D had told me not to get any books by Laurell K. Hamilton. Turns out he'd ordered Narcissus in Chains and Caress of Twilight from the Science Fiction Book Club for me. In one fell swoop, several items off my wish list were taken care of. Librarians love getting books, of course, as well as those "essential items". ;)

Well, that's it for the update, assuming I hit the right button this time. I think it's time to find something to eat. I'll try not to get so off track next time.