Today is the first day. I will be reading from two editions, one an Elizabethan translation by Méric Casaubon [or rather, a comparison of the 1634 and 1635 editions as put together for modern readers by an unnamed person], the first English translation available in England, and therefore in the public domain and available on Project Gutenberg's website. The second is from Modern Library, translated by Robert Hays, which is presented in modern style. It is available on Amazon. Neither is a literal translation but rather put in the colloquial style of their times. However, in introducing my thoughts I will include the Casaubon translation here since it is in the public domain and can be used freely.
say to myself. This day I shalt have to do with an idle curious man, with an unthankful man, a railer, a crafty, false, or an envious man, ab unsociable uncharitable man. All these ill quealities have happened unto them, through ignorance of that which is truly good and truly bad. But I that undersatnd the nature of that which is good, that it only is to be desired, and of that which is bad, that it only is truly odious and shameful: who know moreover, that this transgressor, whosoever he be, is my kinsman, not by the same blood and seed, but by participation of the same reason, and of the same divine particle; How can I either be hurt by any of those, since it is not in their power to make me incur anything that is truley reporachful? or angry, and ill affected towards him, who by nature is so near unto me? for we are all born to be fellow-workers, the as feet, the hands, and the eyelids; as the uppper and under teeth: for such therefore to be in opposition, is against nature; and what is to chafe at, and to be averse from, but to be in opposition?
Recently I was in a situation where I was brought before my manager for a minor thing (not written up, but it was essentially a verbal warning) that nevertheless had bothered a co-worker. Instead of telling me directly that it made her uncomfortable, she had taken it to my supervisor, who had then taken it to my manager, who had then taken it to human resources. It was concerning something I had little control over, and the co-worker had been the one who had first treated it with humour, so it became a running joke for us, I thought. Instead, I suppose, she was treating it with humour because it was an embarrassing thing, and so never told me it bothered her. I, on the other hand, tending to take people very much at face value, did not realise I was causing any trouble. Both the action and that are on me, of course, but I was very hurt and angry because neither the person I considered a friend, neither my supervisor, who also fit that category, saw fit to say anything to me, but involved my manager and HR, for something that is an embarrassing bodily function brought on by a medicine I am taking--something they all knew, and that we had laughed about it. (Remember--she was the one that started that).
As far as reading Marcus Aurelius, I came to two ways that this passage can be related to this situation.
1) My co-worker, who no doubt hid her embarrassment by trying to find humour with it, and who brought this situation to a head, did not understand that the best way to deal with it was to speak to me directly and even bluntly if need be, rather than involve four other people and embarrass me further. Neither did my supervisor. They were not so much malicious, but they caused a reaction to the issue that 1) hurt and embarrassed me, 2) blew it way out of proportion, 3) blamed me for something that I had little control over and therefore could not excuse myself quickly, especially while doing my job--something medical at that, and 4) brought to my attention that I had misplaced my trust, and 5) brought to my attention that perhaps I do not read people's reactions in a way I should. [I think I have written here before that I am seeking testing for autism, although that is another post entirely, as my area has a reasonable programme in another city, with a 5-year wait, or individuals in my city that charge almost $2000 for the testing.] But they did not think that those things would happen, because they were essentially ignorant of anything beyond 'this is something' that bothers me'. It has broken the well-oiled machine-but-still fun approach she and I had in our work, and I am trying not to hold it against them, but I am glad that my co-worker has gotten another in another part of our department on another floor, so I will not have to deal with the fallout so much. In the meantime, I am trying to do what my manager asked, to the point of pain at times, but I have changed medicines and taken other medication to help, so hopefully that will improve the situation.
2) None of the people involved actually have the power to embarrass or hurt me. It is my reaction to the situation that caused it. I cannot control the actions of others, just myself. Also, it does not benefit me to hold a grudge for what I see as a hurtful thing; and I of course can understand why they were annoyed, I am just sad that it came to what it did, and that a relatively minor thing that shouldn't have affected our work did indeed. And I do have a difficult time holding grudges anyway; I was very quiet with everyone for a couple of days but slowly talked again and it was almost like before, though not quiet. I won't forget, nor have I quite forgiven, but I at least can interact. I do not, however, consider them friends, but rather co-workers. I have fallen into that trap before, and will probably again. I perhaps trust too much, and it's hard for me to read motivations for actions. But I will try to do that less while recognising that people have their own emotions, agendas, and motivations and that they do not necessarily pair up with mine.
