Wow

I really don't know what to make of the various forms of obesity surgery. I mean, there's something like a 1 in 600 chance of dying, right off the bat. And lifelong health issues and side effects. But for some, it very well may be the best option. And I have to admit, every now and then I think about it. I mean, I'm 267 lbs., diabetic, etc. Granted, I think with me it's a matter of actually working on it (to be honest, I've never really tried to lose weight for any real period of time. I just go up and down depending on how my life's going and my insulin resistance). A few years ago I stopped eating the things I had allergies to and took my medicine faithfully and went down to 198, felt great, and was a size 14/16 (at least I'm solidly fat). But then I got to a point where someone really was coming onto me strong sexually (I tend to keep weight on to keep people away, I've realised), I was having a lot of issues, and I went off my Glucophage, started eating processed foods, and shot back up.

But now I've gone through counseling, and I feel so much more active and better. When I went out on a date awhile back I found myself not pigging out or eating emotionally at all--in fact, I was cleaning house, taking care of myself, and generally felt completely normal. The one person who tended to put me down for my weight while seeming to understand is gone from my life. Everyone else pretty much accepts me as I am, and no matter how much or little I weigh, it won't matter to them--they love me as I am. I think for a long time my weight has been a way to separate me from the rest of the world, to push people away, and in a way, a passive form of suicide. But you know what? I want to live life to the fullest now. It doesn't matter so much how much I weigh as whether or not I can do the things I want to. I don't want to push people away anymore. I want to connect with people, and I do now, and it's natural and non-threatening. I'm not the shy little girl who used to hate herself. And besides, the rest of America has supersized itself, too, so I'm pretty much part of the norm now. :)

So, I have to admit lately that I'm feeling that it's time to get a handle on my health, to work on my energy, and the best way seems to be working on my body as a whole. I've always been very wary of 'dieting'. My mother went through so many when I was a child, and it wreaked havoc with her health at times. I can remember her on one in the 70s (Atkins or Pritkin, I can't remember which), where she looked anorexic. And as someone who can gain or lose 20 lbs. of water weight in a couple of weeks, I've never really understood obsessing over a pound or two at a time. But I want to become more active, and I want to feel better, and so I think it's time to put all that theoretically knowledge of nutrition, etc. into practice.

That said, I was reading one of my lists and saw an announcement of a woman who had lost 167 lbs. There was a link to a great little journal that shows the ups and downs of having such a gastric procedure. Not that I'm anywhere near going under the knife (I think that's definitely a last resort for me, and frankly I've not reached a point where I hate being fat more than I fear surgery). But her story was very inspirational, and maybe I could use her as a role model. For all the people who fail at losing weight, there are those who do make it. There's no reason I can't be one of them, right?