Sleeping in

Okay, I don't know if it's officially sleeping in if you get up at 7 am to get someone from work, but the fact is that other than that, I had nowhere to be at a certain time this morning and slept until almost noon. My dreams were very vivid and nearly psychedelic, ones that I've dreamt before and always have an intensity that leave me pretty well-rested, but kind of frenetic, too, and if I woke up I'd only have to close my eyes and the images would be there, and I'd go right back in. I'm wondering if I weren't a little manic last night--I blogged a lot and got pretty keyed up. Even this morning when I went to get A I was somewhat frantic--the phone startled me and it was on a different side of the bed, charging, so it confused me as I got out of bed and ran around to get it rather than just turning over. That's a little odd.

Also, on the way to get him my thoughts turned to someone who had been my friend but basically used me to get through her battle with infertility and then dropped me like a stone once her son was born. When I went to the doctor the other day, he asked about her and whether she had managed to adopt a child and I just said I didn't know. The doctor had known her from working with her years before and sees her as a patient. He just assumed I knew she was doing that. I only do because she spends time telling another woman in one of the nearby cubicles who is the process of adoption hreself. Maybe when she manages to adopt, she'll drop her as well. I know, there's obviously some unresolved emotion there, but it was odd that it surfaced days after going to the doctor at a time when I should have been focussed on driving and getting my friend.

She did help me get over my 'I can only really be friends with one person at a time' thing, and it was nice to have a girl friend and get together. But I certainly deserved better--at least a 'I don't want to be friends with you' talk rather than pretending to be friendly but just engaging in small talk. Even when L went insane and broke off our friendship on her blog nastily, I knew where I stood, though it hurt. This friendship just died from lack of care, as I tried to give the new mother space and she put me off for months, then years with being 'too busy'. I know she thinks she's very caring and focussed on other people, but just like the rest of us she's caught up in her own life and although I'd like to think there just wasn't time for me after the baby was born, I know that's not true, because she made time for people who had children or were trying to. I think I make her nervous, because she is well aware that she dropped the ball and she and her husband have behaved very badly in relations with someone they met through me. (As in, husband getting drunk at a dinner, running around screaming 'tallywhacker!' [apparently due to some latent homophobia regarding the host], then throwing up all over the place, and then her promising to make it up by buying dinner and never bothering to fulfill her promise. That kind of thing. She never seemed to understand why my friend might be upset by both the behaviour at the dinner and the lack of follow up to make things right.)

I guess the moral of the story is that some friendships, no matter how solid they may seem, are only there for a short time for as long as they are mutually beneficial, or at least until both parties realise there's no point anymore. And I was too passive and didn't demand to be treated better. On the other hand, I have one friend of 21 years and another of 12 with whom I know where I stand and whose friendships are deeper. But I do miss having another woman to spend time with.