Babies, babies, babies

Tonight we had a shower for one of the girls at work who is expecting her first child. This is the second shower I've been too in a couple of weeks--my first ones. I think I know how D felt going to showers when she was trying to conceive. There was a pang of regret in that I'm not sure I'll ever have a child. Part of me is fine with it, and I don't think I could handle such a responsibility (I'm lucky if I take care of myself!)l, plus the idea of passing on my health problems is not particularly pleasant, but part of me really wants children, and unless I miraculously get in a position where I'm financially stable and have a partner, I don't see that happening. I turn 40 next year, so the biological clock is definitely ticking. There's one other woman about four years younger than I am that's probably better off in some ways (she owns her own house, etc.) but has no man in the picture, and definitely wants children. I suppose what's meant to be will be, but it's a little painful. Of course, if I am ever financially secure I could adopt, I suppose. Part of it too is that I see these women and they're mostly quite a bit younger than I am and they just seem to have it together financially and personally. I feel very much like an outsider sometimes who's looking through a window rather than really participating.