Yesterday, for the first time in a good long while, I had a bad panic attack. I'd been antsy all weekend, which had allowed me to get the house to a state of near-perfection only to destroy it by pulling out all the books out of the closets and sorting and shelving. The good thing about all that is I reclaimed my hall closet for what it's meant for, coats, the vaccuum, etc. But with everything tossed about it only added to the anxiety. I didn't get much sleep or really eat or take my medicine, either; I just seemed to have all this pent-up energy and tried to funnel it into the best things possible. I did crash on Saturday afternoon, sleeping for about five hours in the recliner with one dog and two cats, meaning I woke up stiff and groggy. My blood sugar had gone up, making me feel tired and sort of hung over. So I ate a little something to get the insulin flowing and then I went to the gym, figuring that during a UK Wildcats game it would be fairly quiet. I really enjoyed it, and even got to go to the pool for some exercises I can't do as easily out of the water, like push up against the pool walls (can't support weight due to my hands) or leg bends (bad knees). Then I basked in the sauna for a bit. I came out even more energised.
But the next day I felt crappy. I'm premenstrual and just overall the anxiety hadn't abated. I managed to put it aside during most of the game, although I still got up and paced and overate. I was heading for another crash, ever so sleepy, but stayed to watch Charmed. Then, as I was getting ready to go home, I just freaked. I couldn't stand to be touched, I couldn't stand anything around me, or the TV noise, or the radio on whilst I drove home. I just wanted to take the car up to 100 and who cared about the consequences...I wanted to escape. Since I managed to do this around other people, at least in the early part, I majorally embarrassed myself and may have damaged their view of me or hurt their feelings. And the thing is, it came out of nowhere.
I know part of the problem. I had an ovarian cyst earlier this month, and whenever they form and break my hormones get screwed up more than normal, and my anxiety goes up. I know someone who has similar experiences. But I really hate the idea that my hormones are mucking with me, and after all, in the end, I'm responsible for how I act. The other thing is these attacks last about a half hour max...then I'm tired and emotionally drained, but otherwise okay. I was having them right and left before I entered DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy). Then things got much better. Since one of the things I found in the process of dragging the books out was my DBT manual (oddly enough, it was already on a bookshelf in its place, so it's no wonder that I couldn't find it...everytime I clean I lose things, because I give them places and then forget what I did with them).
The frustrating thing is that I did take my meds like I was supposed to and this still happened. It left me frustrated and confused. Does anyone else have these kinds of attacks, or am I just a freak? (Well, I suppose that could go both ways.)
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