I wish

I wouldn't be terribly stupid because my psychology kicks in and refuses to allow me to perform simple tasks because somewhere inside I don't really want to succeed. I wish I'd stop passive-aggressively 'forgetting' things that make me uncomfortable or that I don't want to deal with almost from the moment it happens. I wish I'd stop resenting other people for pointing out my flaws. I wish I had some control over my emotions.

I wish for a lot of things. Maybe this new therapist will help. I see him starting Tuesday.

And I find myself angry at my family for teaching me some of those tricks, pushing me to others through neglect from both my parents and downright hostility in my father's case.

I was a bright, eager child. I deserved a lot better than I got. I've made up for it some as an adult, but I have a long way to go.

And missing a couple of days of Abilify didn't help either. I'm back on track now, but I'm still recovering from a lot of blubbering where I felt totally stupid and unloved. I know that's not really the case. But whenever anything negative happens I assume the worst, because it's what I came to expect growing up.

I hate my psyche sometimes. It really needs to get a life and stop plaguing mine.