Today's Blogsticker: Thinking

: Silence of a Friday afternoon. Quiet. Nice.
: Content

Ever stop to think, and forget to start?

Being terribly sleep deprived (2 hours night before last, 7 last night, don't you love insomnia?) I thougth I might as well poke fun at my somewhat eccentric short-term memory/ability to form rational English speech (Lisaspeak being my first language), which has been even fuzzier the last couple of days.

What I've been up to:

1. Having flashbacks of being beaten as a child that floored me. A friend and I were play fighting and it just came out of nowhere, with all the shock of ice water being thrown onto me. It's one thing I've always held on to...yes, there was emotional abuse. Yes there was sexual abuse. But no one ever really hit me, so I'm just a big wuss who can't stand anyone touching her, right? Of course, that fails to take in the fact that most of my childhood (with the exception of a few times when I was playing with friends and I felt safe) is a giant blank to me. With a lot of my issues, I've had to put things together like a jigsaw...where you start with the straight borders and work your way in, and you do as much by what's missing or by the pieces around it than anything else. I have been reluctant to 'own' surviving some things because whilst I suspect them and have vague memories, there wasn't anything I could be sure of. No, this was very clear, of being punched and dragged, and I know exactly who did it and, I suspect, why. I was a child who adults felt that as long as my physical needs were met, everything was fine, and there was no sense in being emotionally or culturally nourishing. I was really bright, and should have been encouraged in several areas where I had talent, but instead I was resented, partly because my birth had changed everything...marriage, military service, etc. were all brought on by my existenct, and partly because it couldn't be tolerated to have a child who was too smart. I remember how when I got my IQ test scores and I was 2 points above this person--trifling on a test with margins of error--and was resented for it. The same person single-handedly killed my love of math, although he didn't manage to put down my love of learning. I went from being a 5-year-old interested in 3rd and 4th grade math to being berated for every little thing when he tried to teach me algebra at age 9 and I learned to absolutely hate logic. I wound up someone whose self-esteem was linked to her smarts (because I got positive feedback in school) but who would unconsciously say or do the stupidest things to get a negative form of attention, who was afraid to give an answer because it might not be 'right', who tended to have idiosyncratic definitions of words because I learned most of them on my own, as an early reader. And now I think I finally understand, and I'm coming to issues with the fact that I grew up in an environment where my brains were not merely discouraged but punished.
   
2. On a brighter note...payday means...
   
   
   
   • Groceries! Nummiest: Limited edition pumpkin ice cream that tastes like pumpkin cheese cake, but colder.
     
   • Cat litter and air freshener and laundry money/clean clothes make for a nicer environment at home.
     
   • The animals finally have Frontline and fleas are dying in droves. Last night I slept better than I had in months because no one was scratching.
     
   • I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 1/2 months of free samples for my meds, set up an appointment with the hand practice for the carpal tunnel surgery, and verified my weight loss, nearly 30 lbs total, about 20 in three months since I last went to him.
     
   • I now have a glucose metre that works with both fingerprick testing and on the arm, and my insurance will cover part of the cost on the strips, and I can get reimbursed for what I did have to spend so then I can funnel the money into some more meds for the animals (eating fleas=tapeworms).
     
   
   

What can I say, it's the little things in life. There are some new job openings, too, and I've been doing a lot of networking with the other librarians in the system and getting a lot done at work. I also watched the funniest 'Angel' I'd ever seen yesterday...Angel as a puppet. Literally. A brooding, frowning vampire puppet who nearly gets to be a werwolf's chew toy. I love Joss Whedon's sense of humour.

Now if I can just get some sleep. Oh, and I'm driving home to Danville tomorrow and on to Lebanon (next county over, Kentucky having many (120) smallish counties) to pick up some houseplants offered through FreeCycle.

Okay, that's all for today, folks. Have a great weekend.