TGIF

1. Explain why you started to journal/blog.
A good portion of it had to do with dealing with some really difficult physical and mental health issues. This is the first time in my life I've been able to consistently "journal" because I've always been such a perfectionist/OCD kind a of girl that when I don't keep up on print journals I constantly have to tear out pages and start all over. Yeah, I know. :) Also, I wanted to show that librarians aren't the bun-toting prigs that everyone seems to think they are. It was also a good way to keep people posted on how I was doing. (See next question).

2. Do people you interact with day to day or family members know about your journal/blog? Why or why not?
Actually, yes. That way when we get together we don't have to spend time rehashing the week's frustration and can just concentrate on interacting at the time. It's helped me stay closer to friends.

3. Do you have a theme for your journal/blog?The mad librarian.

4. What direction would you like to have your journal/blog go in over the next year?
I'd like it to hopefully turn to a brighter side as I seem to be getting better.

5. Pimp five of your favorite journals/blogs.
1. What was I doing again? (and no, I don't know what's happening with Zabet's site. I don't know if there's a problem with Blogger or if she got hacked. But she is not the spiky haired chick who wants to blow her brains out whose weblog I keep pulling up.
2. Open Escape
3. Librarian Avengers
4. Abbie the Cat
5. Sean Biggerstaff's Official Webpage Adorable. Scottish. Hilariously funny, especially for an up-and-coming "star". What more is there to say?

PS I was a little surprised that according to iMood the Internet felt "loved" (it's normally "tired"). Then I suddenly remembered that it's Valentine's Day. (Having been single for about 12 years, I kind of forget). The high point of my day was getting an anti-Valentine card from Zabet from notsosoft.com It featured a picture of Cupid with the caption "Fat. Naked. Dangerous". :)

Sad news on the technology front. Salon.com has announced that it may not stay afloat past February. Apparently it hasn't been able to pay it's $200,000 rent because advertising dollars have not been enough to keep it afloat. Hopefully they'll make it. They're a great alternative to standard news. I don't get a chance to read as much as I should, but they've got a very faithful following.

I got a picture of my friend Tracita and her future hubby in e-mail today. She looks great! He looks great! Gee. Tracy is one of those models of how hard-work and a head that screwed on right can take you far in life. I wish I'd had half her sense in my 20s. She's not just pursuing her dream of working for NASA; she is working at the Jet Propulsion lab in Pasadena. Go Tracy! (And yea! we've managed to exchange three e-mails in a week. Maybe we can actually keep in touch. This Internet thing is so nifty. I wish we'd had it when I was an Air Force brat and moving every other year.)

I know I haven't blogged much this week. I've been doing a lot of cleaning at home (I was quite literally being taken over by books and paper). I had my perrformance appraisal at work. My boss stressed that I'm doing great now but that she had to score me for the whole year. I came out 6 points (out of a possible 400) away from getting a 3% raise, so it'll only be 2%. That sort of sucks. I'm usually a hard grader on my self-assessment, but I gave myself 30 points more than she did. I think part of it is that while everyone else at work seems to think I do a great job, my boss and her boss tend to think I'm doing nothing unless I specifically point it out. So, where I agreed with the couple of things that I "occasionally didn't meet standard"--my attendance back when I was so sick, which wasn't missing days but lateness and having to take off for so many doctor appointments, and communication with the doctors and my boss--I had more actual operational and interdisciplinary cooperation items that I occasional exceed standards. My strong points have always been working with different groups within the hospital and my skills at searching, getting articles, and core library skills. She only rated one as exceeding standards. A friend was shocked. She sees what I do on a daily basis, and she's missed way more than I ever did with her health issues, but she has a more understanding boss. She was particularly concerned that even though I improved months ago it didn't the scores didn't really reflect it. And her boss thought it sucked that I was so close to another % raise. As far as she's concerned, I'm probably the least appreciated person in the hospital. It doesn't normally bother me that much. But, well, it does sometimes. And I've always gotten the max before--I've worked really hard at taking the library from a dusty collection of outdated books to a full range of services, and updated and useful collection that attracts a lot of use, and reaching out to the families and patients through the resource room. Considering I spent a year and a half suicidal and managed to come in every day, keep everything running, did the updates, created the resource rrom, and still managed a department (and come to think of it, I was president of a professional organisation during that time, too), so I think that's the important thing. And even more important, I'm still around, and I feel I'm finally back to myself. I guess I'm just still living with the consequences of my illness.

When I did my self-assessment I broached the problem of feeling like the change of supervisory styles has been a factor. I realise that I just don't get her in the way that I did with K. But when I got into the meeting with her, I just didn't feel talking about how I felt with her. I don't it would matter, really. She's such an abrupt person, and a little patronising, and well, I think it may just be better to focus on finding a position where the management understands librarianship and can make a better judgment of my skills.

Anyway, I was a little discouraged yesterday. I just put my energy into scrubbing my shower. :) It'll get better, I suppose, but I really need to find another job. I could deal with the low pay so long as I had the library to build up. But I can't really expand services further, I can't go up in the structure, being the only librarian, and I have yet to make $24,000 a year when entry-level librarians in town start out at $32,000. I simply don't make enough to support a car or maybe someday get a little house of my own. But more importantly I don't feel like I'm going anywhere career-wise, and unfortunately, I can't even get my professional needs met through going to conferences, etc., because frankly despite all the education I've given them on the library profession, it doesn't matter. I couldn't even get my boss to approve a suggestion box for the new family resource centre because they couldn't see any reason for the families giving us direct feedback rather than walking all the way back to the back of the building and putting in a card as they went out. Never mind that six months ago I could just order the damn box myself. Or that all the clinical departments and the cafeteria have them. I guess I'll just make one myself.

At least I have gotten past feeling like I'm a failure and realising that I'm just in a position, where quite frankly, things are set up for a "failure to thrive". All in all, I've done amazing things compared to what it was like when I came in six years ago. Unfortunately they probably won't understand until I leave. It's not that I don't think someone else could do as well--but at what they're paying, and even they now list my job as MLS-preferred rather than required like when I came, they'll be lucky to get a library science student to do the job, much less an experienced professional. And as far as I'm concerned, that's what they deserve--because that's what they seem to want. I'm tired of giving 110% for no good reason. I'd rather put my resources into a job where I can buy into the mission AND be given the tools to implement it. :)

Well, I guess that's enough for now. I came in tonight and just slept for a few hours, so I'm going to play a little Sims, take a break from cleaning, and start enjoying a three-day weekend. (No, we don't get off for President's Day--but I decided to take it off and recharge. It seems I needed it.)