Is it a girl thing, or am I just psycho?

I'm realising more and more lately just how hard it is for me to ask for anything. A day off. A cookie. I just look at a person with this puppy-dog-begging kind of way, even when I really am trying to be a responsible adult. Earlier tonight, I had taken the bus out to Walmart and ran into Zabet and her hubby, and after we'd talked a bit, I just sort of stared at her, trying to get up the courage to ask for a ride home, no doubt looking stupid. She had to say, "I suppose you'd like a ride?" Now this is the same woman who just braved plague for me, mind you. I've known her for years. I know that I can usually depend on her. And the worst she could have said was no, she couldn't, and I'd take the bus like I'd planned to begin with.

It's like I feel that I don't have a right to ask for anything, or that in saying no, someone will be literally rejecting me. That may be the borderline personality talking. I dunno. I know I never seemed to be able to get my dad to notice me when I wanted him to--he certainly did when I didn't, except when I was really little and cute. Momma says that once I got old enough to talk to and it was obvious that I was intelligent--well, he just never felt comfortable with me, because he was afraid he'd fail, that his answers weren't good enough, that he'd be wrong. (Gee, that sounds familiar, too, although I'm scared of really little kids before you can have a conversation with them and they just scream). The sad thing is all my life I've felt overlooked, underappreciated, etc., etc., but I've been helping that whole thing along. And maybe Daddy did too. I mean, it's silly to resent people when you don't even give the chance to give you what you want, hmmm? But I've done that my whole life, and I think he has, too. And while I've got a lot better (I do actually ask for help now, and unless I'm emotionally warbly, I'm usually okay). I think part of the problem tonight is that by running into them, my plans were changing, and I don't shift gears easily.

You probably wonder how I can even be a professional librarian. I do too, sometimes. Thing is, I'm good at it, and with a few exceptions, I'm pretty flexible. But in my personal life, well, I'm still working on it.

My point being is even though I'm...well...a bit rabid...mad...rabid...I'm also a girl, and women in general seem to do this a lot. Are we trained to? I mean my mom was pretty passive with my dad, too. I dream of a world where women can be assertive without being afraid of being agressive. Funny how if you're so caught up in that fear, you just come off as a bitch. If you're self-confident, you just come off a capable.

Oh, small note among the revelations...I came out as bisexual to two of the most conservative people in the hospital today, at once. We were having a discussion about a gay couple here who have had quadruplets through in vitro fertilisation (with one partner as biological parent) and a surrogate mother. They're both Catholic, and the children were christened. Anyway, in the midst I had a small breakdown because while actually one does believe "you're born gay" and both believed that regardless of the parents the children should be christened, that thrice-damned phrase "gay lifestyle" kept coming up again and again. Now, I recognise that there is a gay subculture. Ha--I married into it, of all things. But it is not the end-all-be-all of being gay. Most gays I know don't even participate in that aspect of bar-hopping, gay-pride-parading, chorus-singing, whatever you want to call it. They'd all be nicely married if they were allowed to. (And in fact, most gay and lesbian couples I've known have been together longer than most heterosexual ones I've known). Even my ex and his partner have been together longer than my parents were married. But they don't count, right?

Anyway, I went into a "what is this gay lifestyle?" mode. I asked the woman if she had a heterosexual lifestyle. She said, well, no, actually as a new divorcee, she really didn't jokingly. See--it's synonymous with sex, not subculture, in that mindset. I said, you know, I'm bisexual, so you'd think I'd have quite a bit of "lifestyle". But I haven't dated since 1994, and I haven't had sex with a guy since 1991. But that doesn't change that I'm bisexual, it's just a small part of what I am. Same for gays.

Jeesh, that'll make it through the hospital. I think the stomach problems did something to my mouth. I also read out the side effects of Pepto-Bismol. That's sure to get me comments and strange looks. (Ah, you gotta love the folks at Procter & Gamble, who not only got the domain www.pepto-bismol.com, but also http://www.diarrhea.com/, assuming anyone can spell it. Well, unless you're PETA, since P&G has mostly, but not completely halted animal testing of their products.) And just for the record, I generally admire PETA's goals but sometimes think...well, they outrabid this Rabid Librarian. I recognise that some animal testing may be necessary, especially in medicine. (I give you the movie The Fly as evidence). I mean, where would diabetics be without pigs? Now we have human, and I think, synthetic insulin. For years, though, it was pig. I try not to impact the animal kingdom beyond what I need to survive. Certainly for years I think the general view of need was up there with Dr. Seuss' "The Lorax" thneed-obsessed rather than real, basic need. And certainly I think the worthiness of animal testing should be examined on the same level as human testing. "Will it give us reliable, new information?" "Does it subject animals to unreasonable pain or suffering considering the results". However, the other day I considered the Pepto-Bismol a godsend, and I notice that the info site I found did not list animal safe alternatives for over the counter medicines, and you can't depend on the generics either. I remember when Gillette was still being boycotted as one of the bad guys, and they're touted on that site.

Anyway, back to the pink stuff. I was looking to see why I felt all sweaty and greasy (I already knew about the little item they print on the bottle about turning your stools black, thank the Gods). But this was so great I read it out loud--and I am not making this up--(emphasis mine):

Anxiety; any loss of hearing; confusion; constipation (severe); diarrhea (severe or continuing); difficulty in speaking or slurred speech; dizziness or lightheadedness; drowsiness (severe); fast or deep breathing; headache (severe or continuing); increased sweating; increased thirst; mental depression; muscle spasms (especially of face, neck, and back); muscle weakness; nausea or vomiting (severe or continuing); ringing or buzzing in ears (continuing); stomach pain (severe or continuing); trembling; uncontrollable flapping movements of the hands (especially in elderly patients) or other uncontrolled body movements; vision problems

And with that, I bid you a fond adieu. Go easy on that pink stuff.

PS Why is it that the little finder on the address line of Internet Explorer seems to keep the &*##^&(*^*& typos??? I always have rabid-librarian.blgospot.com come up when I try to access my site. Oh, yeah. Microsoft. Did that come out of my mouth..um..fingers? I think Zabet and her hubby have been splicing Mac subliminal ads into our Friday night videos!