having a small bout of depression...

I'm not sure why. Maybe there isn't a reason beyond messed-up brain chemistry. Maybe because my year of DBT purgatory is about to end, and while I feel ever so much better, and there will be an advanced class to go to...I guess I feel sort of let down. I mean, it's working--don't get me wrong. But it'll mean moving on to something new, and so I'm anxious, and I'm going from being a fairly put-together fish in a small pond to a unknown quantity in another one, where I know some people, but not others. I guess I'm nervous. I feel like I'm backsliding. I skipped DBT last week, and tried to get my car back and all again, even though it's really just dead, dead, dead. I bought a hideous blouse that three people all hated, and I don't even know why--I guess it was back to impulsive behaviour. And I feel like I'm being a burden on people. I feel like I should be more competent than I am. I feel that I go along a straight path for awhile, and then, when I get the least bit like I think I can ease up, I mess up again. I feel like I am working reallying really hard at life and taking of myself and helping others when I can but I'm not sure it really matters. On one hand I feel like it's time to take full responsibility (past time, really) for really living my life. But I seem stuck in babble-motion instead. I feel like I'm only superficially connecting with people and even though I am doing better, I'm not sure it's enough. And I guess I feel that people put up with me rather than love me, even though I know that's not true. I'm sitting here at a public terminal and crying for no good reason other than that it's apparently how I feel. It's nothing I can blame on hormones. I guess I still don't know what I want out of life, but I know I don't have it. I want to be loved, and to love. I know that. But that just seems like something so far away. I think it's really just the depression rearing its ugly head. There are always good days, and bad days. But last night, and today have been bad ones.

The thing is, I know I'm a competent person. Even with my breakdown, I'm still in an apartment, with a job, and animals that love me, etc., etc. I've got a better relationship with my mom than ever before. And I have friends; even if I act like a stupid idiot around them, they seem to like me anyway. But it's like I have to take that--hold that in my hand, just like the childhood magic, and concentrate on it, or it vanishes.

Does everyone else have days like this? Have I spent all my life just trying to be a little special that I've only achieved specialness through delusional thinking? I don't know. I'm not sure what I know anymore, or who I am. 95% of the time I feel connected to myself; the rest of the time I feel adrift. And I think I fit into life around me maybe 40% of the time, which is up a lot from a year ago. :) But today I feel like someone deconstructed me, put me back together, and left a piece or two out. I used to feel that way all the time. I'm trying to remember if I've taken my medicine regularly; maybe I haven't, maybe I've slipped up--it happens. Or maybe it's not working as well anymore. But I hope it's not coming back. Maybe it's just a speedbump. I hope so. Here's to a better tomorrow.