: 'Fell in Love with a Boy' by Joss Stone
: Tired. Very tired.
D's reception went off without a hitch, so far as I could tell. Snapshots in my mind:
- The sheer happiness on her face that finally, she could truly celebrate, and the relief evident
- The collages; one of D and family members as she grew up, one given as a gift to show her how terribly proud they were
- The interesting blend of people she knows from all areas
- E explaining to a small child that D was opening presents because it was her 'school birthday' since 'graduation' was over his head
- All the babies on the periphery in D's life, and my hopes for one of her own
- The beautiful setting, which wowed everyone but put them at ease, too
- Knowing virtually everyone even though I hadn't met most of them because D's talked about them and they're so important to her; knowing that some loved ones were absent but there in spirit
- A colt playing with a horsie chew toy and then chasing N up and down the fence
I also realised that with all that's been going on I hadn't taken my Paxil but that I'd gone through an intense job interview, the impending eviction, and a party of dozens of people without a lot of anxiety. I hope D did okay at the party, too. She certainly seemed to be doing great. I really think without the trigger of classes, her anxiety issues may fade. But she never let her struggles with emotional and physical health, the death of her beloved brother, the fertility issues, nursing home fiascoes, etc. during school ever keep her down. She's the first in her family to get a master's, and she earned every bit of it. She is an extremely strong and classy lady, although I'm not sure she realises that. I'm very grateful to have her as a friend and I'm proud of her accomplishments. I only hope now that she has a little more time for self-nurturing.
After the reception I spent some time with friends. We were all in the kind of mood where you just sort of bask in each other's presence and don't really 'do' anything. If it were winter, it'd be great to have had a fire. As it was, we had dogs on a mad frolic. I had a face massage, and some of the tension I'd built up over the last week fell away, and it felt wonderful. Eventually we turned on the TV and some of that tension returned. We saw part of a CNN special on the sex trade involving children in Romania. It was very disturbing. I don't have words to describe my feelings, watching it. As much as I felt I should watch it, I was relieved when another show came on and they turned the channel. You never really appreciate what a basic wonder it is to be able to live life without exploitation and abuse. There is no way to truly punish those who would steal a person's childhood and manipulate their affections. We had the option to change the channels. A lot of these kids and young adults don't. They're either tricked into prostitution and kept in line through threats of violence, virtually slaves, or treated like a commodity to be used and discarded. This is wrong. It makes me also appreciate someone I know who went to Romania and adopted a child who might otherwise have wound up in this sort of situation, or like the kids in another programme I once saw whose lives were so utterly hopeless that spending it stoned on inhalants was better than trying to live life. How do you tackle such a monumental task of restoring stability so that kids can be truly be kids?
Now I'm home in the room of boxes--some packed, others providing a wonderful playground for Spock, who had been sliding down inclines and riding small boxes down to the ground after launching them from the table. He's draped on the computer now, his head hanging down to the CD player, completely relaxed now that I'm settling in for the night. Cerys, meanwhile, seems to recognise the impending move. I think I'll take her over to stay for the rest of the move with friends. She gets terribly worked up, especially once the bed gets taken apart, and I get into a sort of moving frenzy and it makes it hard to spend any real quality time. This way she'll be in an environment she knows well, with people she loves, and won't have to deal with the chaos.
I have to admit, I'm tired and a lot of it is actually just from the intensity of the situations around me. I wish I knew for absolute certain that I had a new place. I don't think it will be a problem, and I found out that there is one first-floor apartment (good for my knees, good for the move) and not just second-story ones. But I've done a lot (and so has my mom) to ensure that it comes through, so at this point all I can do is pack, and hope, and wait, then contact them first thing Monday and go from there. I also went ahead and listed one of my co-workers who lives there as a referral and if everything works out we would each get $25 off the rent. Yipee.
The thing is, I know that a week from now I'll be even more tired, but Gods willing, so long as I'm still on the planet, I'll have survived that uncertainty, and ready to start anew. If I can get this job, things really would be looking up for the first time in so long, and I've come to realise that I really do deserve some stability in my life, that I've put in my years of rat-infested apartments, Ramen noodles, and never quite knowing if I'll be able to make it. For years I was underemployed because I couldn't admit that I deserved to be treated better. This is an opportunity to have financial stability, but even more importantly, to be in a collaborative environment with other members of my profession, to have the institutional support to develop professionally, and to do something that I'm very good at AND love dearly that has the benefit of helping others every day. What more could you ask for in life?
That would be even better than winning the Powerball, which I have to admit with everything going on I was actually enticed to shell out a dollar for a ticket. After all, as they say, 'someone's going to win...it might as well be [me]'. And I did actually match 3 of the numbers, and would have matched a 4th except I went with a friend's current age rather than the age after this year's birthday...which was my first impulse. Not bad for a rank amateur. :) Oh, well...at least I didn't do what the guy ahead of me in line at a gas station did--he bought $55 worth of tickets; I've known of others who literally play the lottery with hundreds of dollars a month, and these are people who make even less an hour than I do. People, you're really not upping your chances considerably by blowing that much money on such a longshot. Still, I must say, it was worth a buck for the thrill of potential.
Well, it's late and I'll have another full day tomorrow. Hope things are going well wherever you are, and D--congratulations again. I'm so glad your hard work and sheer persistence paid off. You and E have both overcome huge obstacles in your lives and I hope your road gets a little easier from now on. 'Night.