Sometimes I wonder why people do the things they do...

Four things made me sad when I went to the Chinoe Kroger for cat treats. In order of sadness, they are:

1. One man was sitting in a BMW cocked across a handicapped spot without any placard. Now granted, the car was standing, not parked, so it was ambiguous as to whether he should be there, but still...
2. A giant truck was stretched halfway into a handicapped spot and halfway over the line into a regular spot. It was parked that way. If it had a placard, it may have been on the driver-side dash rather than the rearview mirror, which is fine per the law, I just couldn't see. But regardless of that, folks, if you can't park your humongous truck correctly, don't buy one. Or at least park at the edge of the lot.
3. When I came out, there was a small cart straddling the other handicapped space next to mine and also a regular space, so no one could park. At first I got in the car and turned it on. Then I turned it off, got out of the car, and walked the 10 steps to the cart corral. Now, it's possible the person who used the handicapped spot did it, and couldn't make it to the corral, but if that's the case, put it next to the sign. And no one walking by had bothered to take it to the corral or into the store. My faith in humanity is waning.
4. Saddest of all (but before that last bit), the lady ahead of me in the fast lane and I chatted about cats because she'd seen my treats. Her order came to $74.01. She gave the cashier a hundred-dollar bill and a penny. He hit the button without putting that in. And then he fumbled for a minute or two, finally pulling out some random change. She tried to explain that he'd given her the wrong change (although she didn't say it was $26 even), and he just directed her to the customer service desk. It is the main aspect of his job, but he couldn't make change--not because he was stupid, I think, but because he'd never been taught to, and that's just sad. I've cashiered many times. It just boggles my mind that many today honestly can't do it if they don't type in the right amount and let the register tell them how much to give the customer. He didn't really seem embarrassed, just inconvenienced. He was probably about 24 or 25 years old. We have done such a disservice to students in the last couple of decades. Don't even get me started on cursive.

My journey so far...

In November 2021 I was at my highest weight in my life with a BMI of 58.1 kg/m², had just gone into a 4x in women's clothing, and was miserable. My liver specialist had just added another diuretic because despite being on Lasix, my feet and ankles swelled horribly. I lost 20 lbs. of water weight that month. You heard me. 20 lbs just from fluid retention.

In December I got with a weight management doctor at the University of Kentucky. She put me on Ozempic at that time, which helped with my appetite, and while I was somewhat sketchy about when I ate well and didn't, and my weight fluctuated, overall I went down, sitting at the 60 lbs. total loss mark for awhile, going up and down 10 lbs. Last October I had to go off the Ozempic (which I'm actually on because of my diabetes--the weight-loss version is Wegovy), which was impossible to find. I tried _ten_ pharmacies. I was off for a month. My blood sugar soared. She then put me on Mounjaro, a different drug in the same class for diabetes (the weight-loss version is called Kepbound). What I found was that for me, the Mounjaro has been more effective with appetite with fewer side effects. I went down to 60 lbs lighter total.

Anyway, due to being off the meds and the holidays, I wound up soaring back up to the 40-lb loss mark in January. I managed to lose 10 lbs before my surgery in late February. Since then, I am officially 70 lbs lighter than my original high weight, according to the records at my doctor's office last week. That's mainly because I've been eating much better, I was home with my roommate's cooking, and have reduced my use of the vending machines at work, which is a real struggle because I stress eat at work.

So why is this all important? I desperately meed a knee replacement. Not only are imy knee joints bone on bone, my left patella is even shifted completely out of alignment. But understandably, my knee specialist [lthe same orthopaedist who did my rotator cuff surgery] is concerned about my weight. He won't do a surgery if the BMI is above 45, and prefers it to be under 40. My current BMI is 44.15 kg/m²--greatly reduced from what it was, but in the danger zone still.

However, when I did the calculations the other day, I am about 27 lbs from reaching a BMI of 39.9. We think that's doable. So we're starting to talk about doing the surgeries and I got a pamphlet on what to expect from them at my request. I am excited about the possibilty of reduced pain and greater mobility. Also, if I can do that, I will have officially lost over 100 lbs and have a total BMI reduction of 18.2 kg/m². It obviously won't happen tomorrow, but that gives me some time to prepare for the surgeries.

It was never about looking good, it is about health, and for that matter losing weight actually ages your face and makes you saggier, but I really want to do these surgeries and be more mobile. I'm only 57, too young to be as decrepit as I am. I've had trouble with my knees since high school. It's time to help them. Oh, and here are the obligatory photos. The first one is from September 2021. The other one is from yesterday. PS Shoutout to Dr. Stephanie Rose [women's health/weight management] of UK and Dr. Janak Talwalkar [orthopaedic surgeon] of Baptist. They've both helped me tremendously.

PS Both of those shirts are 3X, and the pants on the second picture are 3X. 70 lbs and I'm still in that size for the most part. Women's clothes are weird. But I was going into 4X and I think I'll be able to transition to 2X soon...I have one pair of pants already. And of course the shirt is mainly due to my bosom. :)  

[Update: I gave blood today and got a shirt for donating. They didn't have any in size 3X, so I took a 2X because I figured I might be able to wear it in the future. When I got home, I tried it on. I won't say that the line is perfect in terms of the cloth's drape, but I can wear it, and it's comfortable, even if it shows my belly roll a bit. I'm a little proud of myself. I could be doing better in my eating, but I'm apparently doing some things well.]

Something to remember

The monkey is from my therapist, a reminder to calm 'monkey chatter' when I'm anxious. The post-it was given to me by my supervisor the day before my surgery when I had a massive panic attack. I need to remember to be mindful. It works for autism meltdowns, too, I'm sure.

Totally unrelated, my to-be-read pile of library books

 I did get some reading done on Belle Brezing, the famous Lexington, KY madam today.

Well, that could have gone better...

So I was really disappointed today. Seven years of keeping up with the 2024 eclipse, making sure I was off work, getting glasses and solar filters over a month ago, planning for things like sunscreen and a tripod, and researching settings that would allow me to take pictures on my cellphone--all gone to nought due to the weather. It was fairly clear this morning, but then it clouded up a little ahead of the eclipse and got worse while it was going on. A couple of hours after the thing was done, it was bright and sunny, not a cloud in the sky.  First is the sky during the eclipse. Then is the sky afterwards, and the black with a tiny orange bit is the best I could do with the few seconds I had a couple of times to try to get a picture with my solar filter on. I did look up once (without the glasses) and caught a glance at the sun with the moon almost covering that was being filtered by the clouds, and that was beautiful. But otherwise, the whole thing was a dud. I would have liked to see totality, but I would have had to drive to Indiana or Paducah, and I have major driving anxiety, so I just couldn't do it, plus I hadn't prepared. Post-surgery, I thought I wouldn't be driving yet, as it's been just a bit over five weeks.

Cloudy, cloudy

After the eclipse was over

Well, I tried

So, there you have it. It did get fairly dark and windy, and the birds sang like it was morning. That was pretty nice.

Once I came in, I waited till the end looking for a break in the clouds to no avail. Then I just climbed into bed, threw a couple of pillows in frustration, and I was really upset. I realise now that it was my autism that basically had me hyperfocusing on the whole thing and then melting down when it didn't go to plan. I am still new to the concept of a meltdown, but it perfectly explains my behaviour at times of my life when I couldn't deal with stimuli, emotions, or especially frustration.

I did try to watch the NASA coverage and got to see this (I think it's from Maine, although I also saw the one from Kerrville, TX), but the running commentary over it just annoyed me to no end, so I only watched it on and off. Here's a snip of that:

I just wish I'd been able to see it in person. :( The next one I might see won't happen till I'm 78, in 2045. [There is one in 2044, but it'll just hit Canada and three northern Midwest states]. Here is the path in 2045:

I may have to live out of sheer spite to see a total solar eclipse, therefor, although I will have to travel to do so because while it goes coast-to-coast in the US, it does not go near Kentucky in terms of totality.

Hey!

Click on Google's Doodle for today...you won't be disappointed. It looks like this:

Eclipse Day!!!!

When it's 7 1/2 hours till the spectacle of an eclipse and you're off work, but you wake up early anyway because you're just that excited.

Sixteen

I'm going to count this even though it's very short.

16. Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village by Maureen Johnson and Jay Cooper.

It's delightful.

Again, here's hoping

I have sunscreen for both face and body, a chair, a tripod, my cell phone (not the best camera, but still), a solar filter for the camera, and I've tested my eclipse glasses. All I need now is good weather.

If you are in Lexington today or tomorrow morning, I do have three extra glasses. Eclipse glasses are pretty much good for three years, so they won't make it 20 years till the next good one. Just message me or comment if you want one if you can come over here and get them.

Here's hoping

*fingers crossed*

WARNING for you all in Lexington

UK issues warning after campus libraries accidentally handed out fake eclipse glasses

I'm intrigued

I was looking up a historical figure (James Graham, 1st Marquess of Montrose, a Scottish general who was hanged, beheaded, and quartered for supporting Charles I during the War of the Three Kingdoms in 1650)--Battlefield Band has a song called 'Montrose'. Going down that rabbit hole, I found a book by John Buchan [novelist and former Governor General of Canada] called Witch Wood, which sounded promising and put it in as an interlibrary loan request with the Lexington public library. Montrose only makes a small appearance in it, but the story sounded compelling, the story of a clergyman who discovers Scottish witchcraft/paganism being practised and suffers from ensuing politics in the 17th century. It'll probably come from the University of Kentucky, as their library has it. I have a UK library card, but for residents of Kentucky, they expire after a year, and mine is likely expired. The thing I'm most interested in is that in the over 300-page story, a lot of the dialogue is in Scots, which I am interested in, having a lot of Scottish ancestry.

Almost time!!!

[CAVEAT: Some of the information on this post has been gleaned from reading various articles regarding eclipse safety. I'm not a medical person. Don't assume I'm right, although I do truly believe it's a good summation. Make sure you make your own informed choices by reading reputable articles. And if all else fails, view the eclipse indirectly by creating a shadow through a pinhole. Be safe]

On February 26, 1979, when I was 11, our seventh-grade teachers took us outside for the solar eclipse with pinhole cameras. It was total in the Pacific Northwest and Canada, but partial in the Mojave desert, where I lived at Edwards Air Force Base. It captivated me, even though we missed totality. I have always wanted to see a total solar eclipse.. It's one of two things on my bucket list, and the other is seeing the Aurora Borealis (Northern Lights).

In 2017 I really wanted to go to Western Kentucky to see the totality, but my driving anxiety wouldn't allow for it any more than it will this year. For that matter, with the surgery, I didn't even think I'd be driving yet. I remember they handed out glasses at work and those of us could go out to the parking lot got to view the spectacle. We weren't in totality, but it was about 95% coverage, which was still pretty cool but not really that much of a difference in the light or anything. At that time, I had already looked up the 2024 eclipse, swore I took off, and hoped I could travel three hours into totality by going to Indiana or some such place.

But you know, clouds appear everywhere. I didn't want to spend a lot of money to get somewhere only to see nothing. I still don't know if the weather will work for us, as we have scattered thunderstorms in the forecast. I took off from work because in my current job it is busy when the eclipse is supposed to happen I wouldn't have been able to go outside. I'm going to watch it from my own yard, or perhaps the park near here. I have my glasses for me and my solar filter for my phone camera (do not take pictures without one). You will regret it. My roommate does not plan on participating. He's of the old belief, along with certain peoples such as the Hopi and Navajo, that it's a time to go inside and avoid the eclipse altogether, whether solar or lunar. Monday's eclipse will be about 96% coverage in Lexington. Be sure you get authentic glasses or use a pinhole in paper, cardboard, or aluminium foil to view the shadow of the moon over the sun. That's how we did it during the 1979 eclipse, casting a shadow on the light stucco walls of our school. It was still great, and safe. If you're near trees, watching the shadows through the leaves is also fun.

Glasses should definitely say ISO 12312-2 and be printed on them. Use a reputable company's glasses, such as those on this website here. I got some from Amazon and they are Celestron, a maker of telescopes on the approved list. But since anyone could print that, be sure, while inside, you try out the glasses and see absolutely nothing. Then try outside during a normal day and you should see only really bright reflections of the sun, like in a mirror--nothing else. The solar filter I have for my camera I didn't research, but later found out is compliant. It's called VisiSolar. Again, if in doubt, use the pinhole method, as it is safer. Also, if in the path of totality and you do get to take your glasses off for a couple of minutes while the sun is completely covered so you can see the corona, be sure to put them on very soon. The totality time varies. In Mexico it will be over four minutes; in Maine it'll be two. Any sun shining through as the moon moves from covering the sun can damage the eyes. Unlike sunburn, you can't feel pain in your eyes as there are no pain receptors in the retina, and you can't tell how badly you've damaged it. Do not look through magnifying instruments such as telescopes or binoculars without the solar filters meant for them. Be safe.

Still, if you take precautions, it'll be fun, weather permitting. If you can't see it due to the weather, be sure to check out livestreams on the Internet such as NASA's.

According to the Lexington Herald-Leader, Lexington is expected to see a partial eclipse between 1:51 p.m. and 4:24 p.m. The eclipse is expected to be at its peak around 3:09 p.m.

Enjoy!!!

Here's hoping it all goes to plan

So, tomorrow's Easter, but being Pagan, I don't celebrate, and we're just having a quiet weekend. Tuesday is my birthday, and while normally I'd really be looking at the weather for that (I hate it when it rains on mine, but on the other hand I am currently not bothered by the forecast for thunderstorms). No...I'm concerned about April 8th.

We are not, unfortunately in the path of totality for the Total Solar Eclipse of  2024, being about 96%, and I'm not able to drive 3 hours somewhere to see that, which is a pity, as the two main things I would like to see in the sky are a total solar eclipse and the aurora borealis (Northern Lights). But I'm ready nonetheless. I have Celestron eclipse glasses, one of the brands that are advocated as safe, a solar filter for my cellphone camera, I'm off for the day. I just need Mother Nature to cooperate.  So far we've gone from AM showers to mixed sun and clouds. Here's hoping!

Well...

I like this programme, and the ones where you can read off your fines, but our local library, Lexington (KY) Public Library eliminated fines altogether a couple of years ago and that has meant a great deal, they also automatically renew an item unless it has specifically been held by someone else. As someone (a trained librarian who worked for 20 years as a medical librarian) who always had trouble getting her books back on time, this has been a game-changer in how, and how often, I use the library.

US Libraries Accept Pictures of Cats for Book Fees

I do not think that means what you think it means, to paraphrase Inigo Montoya

I really do not care for genealogical genetics. I believe they promise you conclusions based on dubious assumptions so that you'll feel a sense of belonging, when most people, including myself, don't understand the intricacies that can go into genetics beyond simple Mendelian inheritance. I don't think the conclusions they reach regarding people are any better than the companies who purport to tell you what breed your dog is.  Beyond that, there is the matter of how utterly stupid it is to freely give a for-profit company your genetic material that they may monetise later.

Population genetics are a different matter, though, so I find this fascinating, and I loved the following quote:

In any given population, the number of lines in your family tree that reach any specific medieval person is about the same between you and everyone else who belongs to the same population you do. In other words, everyone alive today is equally related, genealogically, to all medieval people from that population.>In any given population, the number of lines in your family tree that reach any specific medieval person is about the same between you and everyone else who belongs to the same population you do. In other words, everyone alive today is equally related, genealogically, to all medieval people from that population.

 

DNA says you’re related to a Viking, a medieval German Jew or a 1700s enslaved African? What a genetic match really means

Interesting

Interesting read on the relationship between climate change, the earth's rotation, and how we measure time

Climate change is delaying world clocks' need for a 'negative leap second'

Fifteen

15. Self-Care for Autistic People: 100+ Ways to Recharge, De-Stress, and Unmask! by Megan Anna Neff

Fourteen

14. Asperger's Children: The Origins of Autism in Nazi Vienna by Edith Sheffer

I saw a great t-shirt the other day

 It said, "Don't follow me--I walk into walls." I need this shirt.

This is an excellent portrayal of the threat facing libraries--especially school and public libraries

‘Burn the freaking books:’ Alabama libraries under fire from witch hunters

JD Crowe - Alabama Libraries Under Fire - AL.com

Please consider donating

If you're on Facebook, you know that they always suggest that you do a fundraiser for your birthday. This year I am doing one for the Lexington Humane Society, our local animal shelter. I'm very much an animal lover. I believe animals love us unconditionally in a way no one else does. They enrich our lives, become part of our families, and deserve to be loved and taken care of. Lexington Humane Society takes in animals that for whatever reason have been abandoned by others. They help them get adopted through training, getting their pictures and descriptions posted, and taking care of them on a daily basis until they are adopted. They also provide medical services and have a pantry for people who may not otherwise be able to feed their animals. If you wouldn't mind, consider donating to this very worthy charity. If you don't want to go through Facebook, there are other ways to their donate. They have an Amazon wish list where you can buy food and other items that are needed. You can also link a Kroger card to the Lexington Humane Society so that they get a percentage of what you buy there,

I'm including a link below to my fundraiser. I set the goal only at $150, to start small. Every year I choose the charity, and every year I don't quite make it. I think this is something that many people can get behind because they love animals too. I've made my own donation to start things off. If you do donate thank you so much.

Elisabeth's Facebook fundraiser for the Lexington Humane Society

Fourth meditation

Let it be thy earnest and incessant care as a Roman and a man to perform whatsoever it is that thou art about, with true and unfeigned gravity, natural affection, freedom and justice: and as for all other cares, and imaginations, how thou mayest ease thy mind of them. Which thou shalt do; if thou shalt go about every action as thy last action, free from all vanity, all passionate and willful aberration from reason, and from all hypocrisy, and self-love, and dislike of those things, which by the fates or appointment of God have happened unto thee. Thou seeest that those things, which for a man to hold on in a prosperous course, and to live a divine life, are requisite and necessary, are not many, for the gods will require no more of any man, that shall but keep and observe these things.

It is so very difficult for me to act. Part of that is that I have ADHD, so it is very hard to concentrate on any one action. I think of something else, and it's gone. The thought evaporates, and so the action never comes. That's not all of it. I overthink every action and choice I make. That is the anxiety speaking--the monkey chatter as my therapist likes to put it. In this meditation, Marcus Aurelius basically says you have to get rid of all that and focus on the task at hand without all the different things that go with it. You can see a very simple task to be done right then once and forever, and then move on to the next task. I once said a long time ago that I was a multitasker, which was totally untrue. My friend still makes fun of me for that.

On the other hand, I get into trouble at work, for not multitasking enough to produce the numbers they want,  even though they can't explain why the numbers are lower than those of others. Basically, because I know that I lose an action so quickly even though I mean to do it, I do it right then or at the very least make a note so that I can go back without losing that idea in my head and not performing the action. Apparently, other people do three things at once. The Emperor is on my side I think. What he says is to do not only the action without all of the trappings of overthinking of hypocrisy,y of self-aggrandizement but to do it in a true and unfeigned gravity. In other words do this in a pure state of mind without any distortion in terms of what others want, what the Gods want, how you think about it, that's the thing. It doesn't mean not talking about it or thinking about it.

It just means that you should do the action for its sake without all the monkey cheddar. Which I think is very wise. I hope to include that in my future actions, and not try to multitask but rather do one action as quickly as necessary, move on to the next action or notate it so that I can come back to it, but most importantly be one in the moment of that action.

Thirteen

13. Asperger's and Adulthood: A Guide to Working, Loving, and Living With Asperger's Syndrome by Blythe N. Grossberg

Ten, eleven, twelve

10. Adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Understanding Your Diagnosis, Finding the Best Resources and Support Team for Emotional Regulation, Self-Advocacy, and Obtaining Employment by T.G. Alexander

11. Essential Art Therapy Exercises: Effective Techniques to Manage Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD by Leah Guzman

12. Asperger Syndrome: A Comprehensive Guide For Understanding, Living With, And Treating Asperger Syndrome by Frank Ryan

Numbers eight and nine

8. Looking After Your Autistic Self  by Niamh Garvey

9. Autism and Asperger Syndrome in Adults by Luke Beardon

Yay!

So, I have had a long dearth of reading for several years now. I've skimmed books, even maybe finished a few, but nothing impressive. I find my attention has been very short--probably a consequence of my ADHD and scrolling through the internet. So this year, I've decided I want to get into it again, as I have been a librarian who no longer reads. On Goodreads, I've joined the 2024 Reading Challenge in an attempt to read more. I set a reasonable goal, of 36 books, to try for.

I am happy to report I'm ahead of schedule, having read seven books so far this year. They're all non-fiction (I'm going to shoot for both fiction and non-fiction, print/e-books, and audiobooks. We'll see how it goes.)

Here's what I have read so far:

1. Shoulder Treatment: Guide To Recover From Shoulder Surgery: Typical Shoulder Surgery Recovery Timeline by Jaime Knecht
2. An Adult with an Autism Diagnosis: A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed by Gillan Drew
3. Very Late Diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome by Philip Wylie
4. The Shoulder Patients' Handbook: The Rotator Cuff Tear Guide by Paul B. Roache
5. How to Recover from Shoulder Surgery: Safe, Effective Recovery: A Physiotherapist Shares 40 Years Experience Rehabilitating Shoulders by Bruce Paulik
6. The Ultimate Guide for Shoulder Surgery Recovery: Your Complete Guide to Recovery, Tips, Strategies, Diet and Essential Must-haves to Speed Up Shoulder Surgery Recovery Time by Morgan Gray
7. Shoulder Surgery Recovery: Over 100 Tips and Strategies to Make it Much Easier by Anne Talmage Cooksey

Currently reading:

1. Looking After Your Autistic Self  by Niamh Garvey
2. Autism and Asperger Syndrome in Adults by Luke Beardon
3. Pandora's Jar: Women in the Greek Myths by Natalie Haynes
4. Asperger's Children: The Origins of Autism in Nazi Vienna (audiobook) by Edith Sheffer
5. Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

This explains so much

So recently someone I know had me read an article he'd been looking at due to a friend we have in common who has high-functioning autism, formerly called Asperger's Syndrome, He'd originally wanted to understand the friend better, but when he read the article, and the symptoms, he decided it might be good for me to read, too, without his comments or indications, but just to read. I didn't really know much about autism, or Asperger's, but once I read the article it was clear that there was a chance it applied to me, which was a surprise. I did seek to be assessed, but the one centre that diagnoses in the area has a five-year waiting list and gives priority to students of that university (Eastern State University, in a nearby city). The two universities in our city do not appear to do this. They did suggest local resources, but the only therapist on it that did assessements charges a lot of money and I just didn't care for the vibe of her website.

I reached out to a Facebook on neurodivergency and was pointed to a website called Embrace Autism, run by a psychologist and another person who is an autist, which contains the same validated tests used to diagnose. The website has the scoring built in, and while it does not provide an official diagnosis by any means, I took six of the tests, five of which are validated by research and are used professionally, and I came out as autistic on all of them, which kind of surprised me, and one, on emotional quotient, indicated much less awareness of appropriate emotions and empathy than I expected. One of the tests asks questions regarding your childhood vs. now, and it was stronger as a child but still clearly within the area of being autistic as an adult. I am pretty highly functional by the test results, and before the diagnosis of Asperger's went away to be included as part of Autism Spectrum Disorder, I would have been considered a person with it. I am more functional than our friend, for example. But this explains a lot of the issues I had a s a child, and one of the tests measured masking and assimilation as an adult in trying to seem more 'normal'.

So I've been reading a couple of books on self-care for those with autism. And I recognise several aspects of the MRI issues today to be directly related to sensory integration problems (found in autism, though it can be a separate issue as well).

In addition to the tests, the website has a lot of resources for people who want to learn about autism or who have it. I'd really recommend it. And the main book I'm reading right now is Looking After Your Autistic Self: A Personalised Self-Care Approach to Managing Your Sensory and Emotional Wellbeing by Niamh Garvey (ISBN-13: 978-1839975608).

Anyway, for what's it worth, it does really make a lot of my life more understandable, and it would explain a lot of my sensory integration and anxiety issues. I just wish I could get assessed officially.

I don't like MRIs, and this is why

 Today it took everything I could to finish my annual liver MRI/Elastography. [My mom died of non-alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver/fatty liver disease, and I have a fairly mild case of the same disease that we're monitoring and trying to improve.] I'd gotten a Valium to take a little before it to take the edge off of my anxiety because I'm claustrophobic. Because of that, I took the bus to UK rather than drive, since I couldn't drive back. Usually, I'd ask someone for a ride, but I'd asked them if I could go home by bus instead, and they said that would probably be okay.

I meant to wake up early, take a shower, and go in without too much trouble. I overslept, giving me twenty minutes to throw clothes on and brush my teeth in order to catch the bus. I couldn't even put my contacts in, which is okay because when I'm in an MRI machine I don't want to see it, and while I usually close my eyes, a fuzzy machine is better than a clear one. I didn't take my anxiety or allergy medicine, which became an issue. By the time I got there on the bus, my mouth was so dry I could barely talk because I couldn't have any liquid or food for four hours prior.

I got taken back to get into the gown and  I did have to get other patients to help me tie and untie the gown since I can't raise my arm or put it back without pain, and the tech had left me to undress and later, dress.

But then it came time to do the test. The techs were so good. I told them about my injury and they positioned me so that I'd be comfortable on that side, or at least as much as possible. I never felt any different from the Valium I'd taken as directed before. I'd had an MRI last month on another part of the body and there was a sort of floating-head sort of thing that lasted just long enough to get through the test. This time, nothing. To get the abdomen, you have to go really far into the machine, as the centre of the body has to be in the middle of the machine. I've been stuffy the last few days (no Covid, but a really light cold) and I'd woken up with no congestion, so I thought I'd pretty much gotten over it.

If you've never had an abdominal MRI focusing on the liver, a voice tells you when to breathe normally and when you should exhale and inhale then hold your breath. I found that in the tight space, lying down, my congestion built up and I could barely breathe through my nose. By the end, I was having to breathe through my mouth only and barely kept from hyperventilating. They have changed the protocol so the test is much longer. I wound up counting numbers to distract me and get through it.  You particularly need to hold your breath when the paddle hits against your abdomen for the elastography, which measures the pliancy of the liver. It got harder and harder to do, and the period of holding my breath was about at my limit with the breathing issues.

They asked me how I was doing because I think they knew I was breathing hard (I coughed at one point) and I asked how much time we had left, and it was about five minutes, some of the longest minutes I've experienced. By that time, I was in a state of moderate panic, although I did finish it. I'd arrived at 8:30 AM, probably started the test about 9 AM or shortly thereafter, and got out at 10:40. I immediately bought some water and then realised I had to get down from Chandler to Kentucky Clinic for my follow up in just a few minutes. When I'd made the appointment a year ago, they'd been on different days, but they had to change the appointment a couple of months ago and had put it on the same day. I'd been dubious that the results would be read in time, and that was true.  My time with the PA was spent talking about my health in general, but she'll have to get the results to me later through the portal. We will change to another drug next year. I then had to go back to Chandler on the shuttle to get my insulin from the pharmacy, then caught the city bus to the transit centre. I brought some paperwork my PCP had signed to allow me to get a disability ID so I'd pay less for bus passes and fares, since I'm coming up on a time when I can't drive and will have to go into work on the bus for four weeks. So I got the ID and pass and then caught the bus home.

By the time I got home I was exhausted by the noise, the lights, the people, and all the other stimuli on the bus, at the hospital and clinic, and mostly the MRI. I came home, changed clothes, and immediately went to bed with some soft music on, and slept for three hours before venturing out of my room.

I am so glad this is a once-a-year thing, and that I took off from work due to taking the Valium. But it was a difficult day. :(

[Update: I got the results through UK's portal. The images were fine, but the elastography did not give usable information. So the whole thing was a wash. :( The physician assistant gave me three options:

1. Repeat the MRI/Elastography in a year.
2. Repeat the Elastography itself 
3. Take a biopsy of the liver to see the amount of fibrosis.

I decided on the first. I'm not sure how the elastography without MRI works. I've had an ultrasound elastography and it had me in a much worse condition, giving erroneous results. And as far as the biopsy...no.]

Third Meditation

From Marcus Aurelius' Meditations:

Book I. XVII.

Whatsoever proceeds from the Gods immediately, that any man will grant totally depends from their divine providence. As for those things that are commonly said to happen by fortune, even those must be conceived to have dependence from nature, or from the first and general connection, and concatenation of all those things, which more apparently by the divine providence are adminstered and brought to pass. All things flow from thence: and whatsoever it is that is, is both necessary, and conducing to the whole [part of which thou art], and whatsoever it is that is requisite and necessary for the perservation of the general, must of necessity for every particular nature, be good and behoveful. And as for the whole, it is preseved, as by the perpetual mutation and conversion of the simple elements one into another, so also by the mutation, and alteration of things mixed and compounded. Let these things suffice then; let them always untoo then, as thy general rules and precepts. As for thy thirst after books, away with it with all speed, that thou die not murmuring and complaining, but truly meek and well satisfied, and from thy heart thankful unto the Gods.

One passage from the Hays translation is: 

Even chance is not divorced from nature, from the inweaving and enfolding of things governed by Providence. Everything proceeds from it. And then there is necessity and the needs of the whole world, of which you are a part. Whatever the nature of the whole does, and whatever serves to maintain it, is good for every part of nature.

Given the present-day concerns for climate change, we should remember that humankind cannot be divorced from nature, but that we are a part of it entirely. What is good for nature is essentially good for us, therefore. This is the situation for everyone.  But as a Pagan, I feel that it is especially important to tie ourselves to nature, both in the enjoyment in it and the maintenance of the world around us so that we are part of that circle of life/global organism.

Keeping it short tonight, but that's how that meditation speaks to me.

So I didn't quite make it daily, but here is the second one

 From Marcus Aurelius' Meditations: 

Book I. XVI.

Whatsoever I am, is either flesh, or life, or that which we commonly call the mistress and overruling part of man; reason. Away with thy books, suffer not thy mind any more to be distracted, and carried to and fro; for it will not be; but as even now ready to die, think little of thy flesh: nerves, veins, and arteries; think no more of it, than so. And as for thy life, consider what it is; a wind; not one constant wind neither, but every moment of an hour let out, and sucked in again. The third, is thy ruling part, and her consider; Thou art an old man; suffer not that excellent part to be brought in subjection, and to become slavish; suffer it not to be drawn up and down with unreasonable and unsociable lusts and motions, as it were with wires and nerves; suffer it not any more, either to repine at anything now present, or to fear and fly anything to come,, which the destiny hath appointed thee.

So reason is what should be valued most, as that which should rule the body and spirit, and which also must be cultivated so that it does not become distracted with emotional desires, or for that matter, I think he would agree, minor matters of no consequence.

This is so hard for me, especially because I have a mood disorder. Without my medicine, I become very labile. And beyond my ADHD, I get so distracted by what is happening in my present life, as well as anxiety for the future, that I don't actually think things through a lot. I have a fairly high IQ (149), and I used to be good at recitation and learning, and I certainly learned critical thinking (mainly studying history at university), but I don't apply them to my life. I've always compartmentalised my theoretical knowledge and actual real-life applications. As a whole, I do much better at theory than practical/applied actions. And I hate that, but I've gotten used to not really thinking much. And that is sad. I'm trying to read more to stimulate my brain (although he specifically values reasoning over learning from others, including through books). I need to really start considering subjects, ruminating upon them, and coming up with reasoned outcomes, hence these exercises.  There you go, that's how this section applies to my life, and I need to take it to heart and really improve my thinking, which will, in turn, improve my life.  In short, I need to stop being lazy in my thinking.

Exercise

My roommate suggested that it might be useful, especially given my struggles with anxiety, to read the Meditations of Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, a Stoic philosopher, a meditation a day, as one would read a devotional [I'm pagan, so I guess it is]. I think this will be good. I should then think about it and relate it to my own life.

 
Today is the first day. I will be reading from two editions, one an Elizabethan translation by Méric Casaubon [or rather, a comparison of the 1634 and 1635 editions as put together for modern readers by an unnamed person], the first English translation available in England, and therefore in the public domain and available on Project Gutenberg's website.  The second is from Modern Library, translated by Robert Hays, which is presented in modern style.  It is available on Amazon.  Neither is a literal translation but rather put in the colloquial style of their times. However, in introducing my thoughts I will include the Casaubon translation here since it is in the public domain and can be used freely.

I'm skipping the first bit, which my friend referred to as a speech thanking the Academy, whereupon he thanks his family, teachers, and the Gods.  I may circle around to it. I've already noticed certain differences in the translation, most notably omissions in Hays that do make things clearer, but also delete interesting information.

So, for now, I'm starting with Book I, Meditation XV, titled 'In the country of the Quadi at Granua, these. Betimes in the morning'.

say to myself. This day I shalt have to do with an idle curious man, with an unthankful man, a railer, a crafty, false, or an envious man, ab unsociable uncharitable man. All these ill quealities have happened unto them, through ignorance of that which is truly good and truly bad.  But I that undersatnd the nature of that which is good, that it only is to be desired, and of that which is bad, that it only is truly odious and shameful: who know moreover, that this transgressor, whosoever he be, is my kinsman, not by the same blood and seed, but by participation of the same reason, and of the same divine particle; How can I either be hurt by any of those, since it is not in their power to make me incur anything that is truley reporachful? or angry, and ill affected towards him, who by nature is so near unto me? for we are all born to be fellow-workers, the as feet, the hands, and the eyelids; as the uppper and under teeth: for such therefore to be in opposition, is against nature; and what is to chafe at, and to be averse from, but to be in opposition?

Recently I was in a situation where I was brought before my manager for a minor thing (not written up, but it was essentially a verbal warning) that nevertheless had bothered a co-worker. Instead of telling me directly that it made her uncomfortable, she had taken it to my supervisor, who had then taken it to my manager, who had then taken it to human resources.  It was concerning something I had little control over, and the co-worker had been the one who had first treated it with humour, so it became a running joke for us, I thought. Instead, I suppose, she was treating it with humour because it was an embarrassing thing, and so never told me it bothered her.  I, on the other hand, tending to take people very much at face value, did not realise I was causing any trouble.  Both the action and that are on me, of course, but I was very hurt and angry because neither the person I considered a friend, neither my supervisor, who also fit that category, saw fit to say anything to me, but involved my manager and HR, for something that is an embarrassing bodily function brought on by a medicine I am taking--something they all knew, and that we had laughed about it. (Remember--she was the one that started that).

As far as reading Marcus Aurelius, I came to two ways that this passage can be related to this situation. 

1) My co-worker, who no doubt hid her embarrassment by trying to find humour with it, and who brought this situation to a head, did not understand that the best way to deal with it was to speak to me directly and even bluntly if need be, rather than involve four other people and embarrass me further. Neither did my supervisor. They were not so much malicious, but they caused a reaction to the issue that 1) hurt and embarrassed me, 2) blew it way out of proportion, 3) blamed me for something that I had little control over and therefore could not excuse myself quickly, especially while doing my job--something medical at that, and 4) brought to my attention that I had misplaced my trust, and 5) brought to my attention that perhaps I do not read people's reactions in a way I should. [I think I have written here before that I am seeking testing for autism, although that is another post entirely, as my area has a reasonable programme in another city, with a 5-year wait, or individuals in my city that charge almost $2000 for the testing.] But they did not think that those things would happen, because they were essentially ignorant of anything beyond 'this is something' that bothers me'. It has broken the well-oiled machine-but-still fun approach she and I had in our work, and I am trying not to hold it against them, but I am glad that my co-worker has gotten another in another part of our department on another floor, so I will not have to deal with the fallout so much.  In the meantime, I am trying to do what my manager asked, to the point of pain at times, but I have changed medicines and taken other medication to help, so hopefully that will improve the situation.

2) None of the people involved actually have the power to embarrass or hurt me. It is my reaction to the situation that caused it. I cannot control the actions of others, just myself. Also, it does not benefit me to hold a grudge for what I see as a hurtful thing; and I of course can understand why they were annoyed, I am just sad that it came to what it did, and that a relatively minor thing that shouldn't have affected our work did indeed. And I do have a difficult time holding grudges anyway; I was very quiet with everyone for a couple of days but slowly talked again and it was almost like before, though not quiet.  I won't forget, nor have I quite forgiven, but I at least can interact. I do not, however, consider them friends, but rather co-workers. I have fallen into that trap before, and will probably again. I perhaps trust too much, and it's hard for me to read motivations for actions. But I will try to do that less while recognising that people have their own emotions, agendas, and motivations and that they do not necessarily pair up with mine.

I love this

Sent to me by my friend Tammy:

A small sample, but interesting

A groundbreaking study shows kids learn better on paper, not screens. Now what?