Sorry, I didn't mean to fall off the face of the planet...

Last week was a little busy, and hard.  So on Tuesday night, I had my talk with the behavioural therapist through the AbleTo programme my insurance is partnered with.  I spoke to her about things about my childhood and my family I haven't told more than a handful of people, and it was very intense.  It's actually a programme with modules for helping depression, but she asked a couple of questions and I guess I opened up. A lot. She called my case complex, but apparently, it was in line with the module to explore some past issues that were causing problems today.

The next day I could not get out of bed. I felt bad. My stomach hurt really bad, and I think that was a result of going up on my Ozempic because the side effects always hit about two days after I take the injection I got it on Monday and took it that night. But I just couldn't drag myself out, and I felt real blah and off.  My friend, who used to work in psychiatric care, said that often you can get a 'therapy hangover', and it's the best description I can find for it. I wound up calling in to work. I've never taken a 'mental health day', but I just couldn't function. I spoke with my boss later and she understood.

On Thursday, I had the five appointments plus errands to do.  The telehealth with my psychiatrist went well because, despite Wednesday's issues, my depression is much better. We have another appointment in three months. I also had my gel injections in my knees, and those went well.  At midday, I had the PT evaluation.  The therapist thinks that part of the issue is benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) is a problem in the inner ear. It is the most common cause of vertigo, which is a false sensation of spinning or movement. It comes from calcium crystals that build up in the inner ear and get into the wrong area of that. It can be treated with a certain manoeuvre that resets where they are so it can be absorbed. This works in most cases. I had a slightly postive test, so he did the exercise for me and set up and appointment to follow up tomorrow at 7:30 am. A greater part may be vestibular-ocular reflex (VOR). It is a reflex that helps stabilise the visual field during head movements. It occurs in response to head movement and leads to the eyes moving in the opposite direction to maintain a steady gaze. That was more positive. He doesn't think they explain the whole problem, though, and I told him I have a neurology appointment on Tuesday for a workup as well. He'll also see me Friday after the neurologist gets a chance to do his thing.

I dragged a friend to that appointment and he read in the car, because then he had a dental appointment I was taking him to and we weren't sure there'd be time for me to come and get him otherwise.  I got out earlier than they expected, so we went on and I read while he had that appointment.  Then we got some Cajun food for an early dinner. At 7 pm I had a call with the behavioural coach from the AbleTo people and that went well.

Friday I went back to work and it was Sabbath.  Saturday was restful. I did a couple of errands and the game notes, and that was about it. I got the notes done by 12:30 pm, which is a record.  Also yesterday evening we went out with friends to Joe Bologna's, an Italian restaurant here. They're celebrating 50 years in business.  They're in a beautiful building with stained glass...it used to be a synagogue years ago.

We were celebrating one friend's birthday and my upcoming one as well. The birthday kids got free desserts. It was really fun, and it was the most social interaction I've done outside of work in a long time.

In the middle of the night, my roommate and I spent two hours talking about various things, a really great conversation.

As a result, I got up a little late, started my chores late.  Our friend we game with called right before she'd normally left. Her son, who lives with her, was exposed to Covid, so they were staying home just to be sure everything was okay. She didn't want to take the chance, and we appreciate it. So I have some more time to finish my chores (I'm taking a longish break right now).

So as you can see, it was pretty busy last week.  Today was also a day I started a weight loss programme that's aimed at improving healthy habits, presented in partnership with my pharmacy benefit with another application-based system.  They sent me a scale and I'm weighing daily. My goal is to lose 20 lbs in 16 weeks.

Okay, I need to get back to my chores. I'll try to write more regularly.  Sorry about that.

So I had two appointments scheduled

for the 23rd.  So I got off work because they were far enough apart, what would be the point of coming in late.  Then I realised a friend had a dental appointment and needed a ride. So that was three.  Then I wound up with two more.

So...8 am psychiatry telehealth to follow up on my depression and monitor changes, 10:50 am gel injection in my knee, 12:30 pm physical therapy evaluation for balance issues, 2 pm friend's dental appointment, 7 pm behavioural coach telephone call. Whew! We'll see how that goes.

This appeals to the geek in me

I got my first Atari computer in 1984 and learned to program it. I had a tape drive, a single-density floppy drive [later got a third-party double-density drive], a dot-matrix printer, and joysticks. It got me through the end of high school, all of my undergraduate years, and into my graduate studies, as well as my marriage and divorce before it finally died. I still have the original word processor, BASIC, and games on ROM cartridges, and I went on eBay a few years ago and got another computer so I could relive the thrill that it gave me. I also have a Nintendo that isn't one of the first that came out, but it is the original system, just a slightly smaller version. I thought I was doing well. But nothing like this Gen X compatriot. Were you a Commodore person, or Atari? Do any of you have any older models, either leftover from your life in the early days or found again?

Apple, Atari, and Commodore, oh my! Explore a deluxe home vintage computer den: Brian Green re-lives the 1980s with dozens of fully operational vintage PCs at home.

So I've been through the first few chapters of the Beck book and three days of CBT exercises

And apparently, in March, since I started it, I have lost 7 lbs. Yay! I'm hoping it will help me get over the plateau I've been on for some time. My weight goes up and down by 10 lbs but doesn't go down past that. This is just under the 50 lbs I've lost since November 2021 (20 due to a diuretic, and 30 lbs with the help of diet and Ozempic). The book doesn't contain a diet plan--that's not what it's about--but rather you can choose any healthy, nutritious diet. She has you choose a primary and secondary so you have something to fall back on if the first doesn't work out for you. My primary diet is the DASH diet, and the secondary one is the Mediterranean one, as both are highly rated for efficacy, easy to understand, and close to how my roommate, the main cook in the house, prepares food.

Here's a better picture of the book, along with a link to Amazon. Again, if you have Kindle Unlimited, it is included in your subscription.

The Beck Diet Solution: How to Think Like a Thin Person

I'm not crying, you're crying

This was a beautiful cover of the Simon and Garfunkel song. It was also an excellent choice for this episode of 'The Orville'. We've finally been watching season 3, and I must say, the writing and execution of the story so far have been superb. This episode was 'Domino', season 3, episode 9.

A potential solution for my dizziness, or at least an answer

I was complaining on Facebook about falling again, and my stepmother mentioned that she also has trouble with dizziness and falling because she has Ménière's Disease.  According to the National Institutes of Health: 

Ménière’s disease is a disorder of the inner ear that causes severe dizziness (vertigo), ringing in the ears (tinnitus), hearing loss, and a feeling of fullness or congestion in the ear. Ménière’s disease usually affects only one ear.

Attacks of dizziness may come on suddenly or after a short period of tinnitus or muffled hearing. Some people will have single attacks of dizziness separated by long periods of time. Others may experience many attacks closer together over a number of days. Some people with Ménière’s disease have vertigo so extreme that they lose their balance and fall. These episodes are called “drop attacks.”

Ménière’s disease can develop at any age, but it is more likely to happen to adults between 40 and 60 years of age. The National Institute on Deafness and Other Communication Disorders (NIDCD) estimates that approximately 615,000 individuals in the United States are currently diagnosed with Ménière’s disease and that 45,500 cases are newly diagnosed each year.

I have a lot of fullness and fluid in my ears, particularly whichever one I slept on the night before. It itches and I can feel it sloshing about, and it's driving me crazy. I've been obsessively digging at them, and I'm thinking that's part of the problem, as I may be compacting things worse.  I had thought it was ear wax; now I think it's fluid plus a bit of skin from the ear canal that I'm digging at, as the fluid is mostly in the inner ear. I did a quick lookup and it fits. No tinnitus really, but I have the other stuff, have had episodes of dizziness or vertigo that lasted over 20 minutes (one last night, one in the summer where I had to be sent home from work in a wheelchair with someone driving me home because I couldn't move without the risk of falling down). I also had my hearing tested a few years ago and have a mild impairment (but I thought that was just basically ageing). I'll ask my doctor about it and what I might be able to do about it. I'm already on a diuretic, but maybe some of the other treatments and salt reduction could help.

I thanked her for the information; I hadn't heard of it (most of the subject expertise I have as a librarian concerns orthopaedics and paediatrics). I'll definitely take this up with my doctor. And if it isn't that, it may be something similar.

On a suggestion from Beck's book

I made an 'Advantages Response Card' to read at least twice a day, especially before mealtimes.  Here's what's on it regarding why I want to lose weight, including the rating, signified by a number of asterisks.  This is based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) principles:

1. I'll be happier when I look in the mirror. * 
2.  I won't feel so self-conscious. **
3. I'll be in better health. ***
4. I'll be more likely to live longer. ***
5. I'll feel better physically. **
6. I'll like myself more, ***
7. I'll feel more in control. **
8. I'll feel like I've accomplished something important. **
9. I'll be able to move around better. ***
10. I'll feel more confident. **
11. I'll feel better in my body. **
12. I won't hurt as much. ***

 As you can see, most of mine are physical, but with better consequences emotionally as well, especially regarding my self-image and self-confidence.  So far it looks like it will be helpful.  I've put it on an index card, my phone, and my Kindle, and here, to review before mealtimes.

My behavioural coach, plus a milestone

recommended this book, which is not actually a diet book, but rather a cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach to helping people with their relationships with food. I'm five chapters in and I'm finding it very helpful. It makes sense. It's all about changing your thoughts and justifications into healthier ones. The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person by Judith S Beck, PhD, whose father was the one who first developed CBT. If you want the Kindle edition and you subscribe to Kindle Unlimited, it is included for free.  By the way...this is my 12,000th post.  Yipee!  It took a little over 21 years, but it's a great milestone. I'm enjoying writing again.

Trying not to worry

Trying not to worry. So for years, I've had symptoms that were mildly disturbing but all of my doctors have assured me that everything looks normal. They've gotten much worse lately, so when I talk to my PCP Monday about my falling and balance issues, I'm going to bring them up and ask for a complete evaluation. They could actually be related, although I suspect the dizziness has to do with my inner ears, as it happens when my head changes position. I won't go into the symptoms here, and I know you shouldn't Google like crazy, but I did find a disorder that fits my symptoms perfectly, so I'm going to ask about it. Keep your fingers crossed for me that it is nothing or something minor. If I'm right, it isn't at all.

Going through this book

With my in-person therapist, and I have discovered from taking the self-assessment questionnaire between chapters one and two, that I apparently have every anxiety disorder known to man. Sigh. This is going to take a while. 

My therapist and I are concentrating on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy treatment for anxiety and frustration tolerance. The AbleTo counsellor and coach are working with the depression module, using CBT and  DBT for things like my emotional relationship with food and identifying activities to help with the depression.  That, along with the increase of my meds and the light therapy, will, I hope, have a profound effect on both depression and anxiety.  The latter ones are already doing a lot for my depression.  But my anxiety feeds my depression and has a greater impact on my life in general, or at least an equal one, so I need to deal with it as well.  Time to move on to the second chapter.

My AbleTo counselor

Wants me to start doing a gratitude journal, at least three times a week, but with two new things to be grateful about per entry. Here was yesterday's:

Four more posts

I have already exceeded the number of total posts for each year for 2021 and 2022 this year.  It's amazing that during the pandaemic I didn't write more, really.  But...in four more posts, I will reach 12,000 total for the blog.  That's an average of 47 posts per month, or 564 a year. Not bad...

Poor FedEx

They've been trying to get a package to me since 2/27 but the weather keeps delaying it, and they keep pushing the delivery date back. It's saying it will be delivered today, now, but really? Look at the tracking. Sigh. The funny thing is it is of all things a cane flashlight (light that attaches to the cane so I can see when it's dark, like taking the trash out or going to the car at night). Keep trying FedEx, I think I'm going to need it. But a real ETA might be better. I do not hope to see it today. Tomorrow, maybe, if the weather between Indiana and Kentucky holds. Considering it came from Oregon originally, and with the snow and wind storms, they're doing what they can.

UPDATE: Apparently I needed to post about my package, and then I got this text:

Remember

 

Again

Well, if you're going to fall on your face, especially on real tile, it's good to have a pillow in one hand that miraculously fell under your face. My right hand, shoulder and elbow are being iced and I've taken an NSAID. I am beginning to think I should start using my cane in the house as well as outside. I almost fell twice afterwards. I just feel unsteady. Definitely sitting down for a while.

UPDATE:

I'm sore all the way down my right side (it's usually left when I fall). I fell on both hands and elbows primarily, but my neck, shoulder, fingers, hip, etc., are all hurting. Time to ask my doctor is this is vestibular or something. My dizziness only happens when I move, including being on elevators or turning my head slightly. :( I don't think it's just ageing. I'm lucky I didn't break something or hit my head on the tile. I fell in a doorway with tile on one side and hardwood on the other, separated by a small, hard ledge. It was a close thing. Thank goodness for that cushion I was carrying. I got it over my face/head just in time. 

NOTE TO SELF: You're off for a few days next week. Call your PCP Monday about being evaluated for a vestibular order. I am so tired of falling, and I want to nip this in the bud before it affects my work or driving.

I am pleased to announce that I have a working window again

 I was given parking at work (we have five spaces that are given for important appointments or similar reasons when people need to be at the medical centre or leave or come back, and the extras are put into a lottery by last name alphabetically). My manager's husband came at lunchtime and basically took out the bad part and put the new switch in, without having to take off the inner door liner, and it took all of ten minutes.

All of ten minutes. I'd told it would be $50 for the labour. And $150 for the part, which I got off the AutoZone website for a whopping $45.

Thanks to all my co-workers (and their families) who helped me out. Specifically, thank you, Houston, Whitney, Sierra, Feliz, and Frazann. I can now lock my car properly, although there's some stickiness where the double-sided tape was...I may need to break out the rubbing alcohol.